Monday, May 17, 2010
Your Humble Narrator on the Adam Carolla Podcast Tomorrow
Your humble narrator’s time spent riffing with Mr. Carolla at his garage studio in North Hollywood on all things Grieco and douchey will go live on the Adam Carolla Podcast tomorrow (Tuesday), so be sure to checkitout and let me know what you think.
And how’s about voting in the HCwDB of the Week? Yeah you. I didn’t wake myself up early, hung over and stubbley, to write that thing, just for you to sit back and skim the site passively. Get to work. ‘Bag mocking is a collective and active experience.
New USC mascot?
This dick has been on here before. Vanilla Ice hair, vest and tie? Way too much douche for one guy. Arm bands or big watch on his wrist? Dark haired girl needs some Tommy the trout in her life.
Swifferhead? Should I watch the podcast before or after my MRI?
A button.
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That’s what she’s as cute as.
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Doubt she’s every heard a single song by Run DMC, though.
Fucking Ginger has no soul
His head is completely empty. I bet if I punch a hole in his skull, I could use his head to vacuum the stairs. His hair would help me get into the corners.
I sat across from an all-purpose douche on the bus today. Ed Hardy, gnarly arm tattoos, star shaped bling, TDHT, beard designs, and he was a ginger. No hottie, so not worth taking a picture.
Quasi-celebrity Nicole “Snooki” Pollizi has joined the cast of the new reality show Donald Trump’s Time Travel Scavenger Hunt. In the first episode, the contestants must find a necktie at an English Beat concert.
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Snooki joined the cast when her agent told her she’d need a time machine to extend her fifteen minutes.
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In the second episode, Snooki travels to 2001 to find her own dignity.
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In the third, she travels to 2550 AD and inadvertently saves the human race from a Dalek invasion when she mistakes the Supreme Dalek for her vibrator.
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Fuck me – these Jersey Shore time travel jokes write themselves!
@Baron
You freak me out. The avatar adds to your goolo. I saw the English Beat sometime in the 80’s when I was in Europe. I think I saw them in Canada too but I was stoned back then.
I don’t think snooky could stand looking at herself in the mirror in the bathroom. As far as her trip to save the human race she will have to save it for later.
We are getting old, the douche must die by 2020.
I sit and worry about the future of the world, what with terrorism and environmental disaster on a Biblical scale in the Gulf of Mexico.
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Then I come here and read this site, and realize that, with this generation coming up behind me, it doesn’t matter.
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Thank you DB1.
I apologize to the world for Snooki.
More like the world needs to apologize to us for Snooki.
And you know what, world? Apology NOT accepted! I used to believe in atheistic existential nihilism. Now I don’t know what I believe in any more.
@Jacques
You describe a situation in which you may believe less than nothing. I suggest a cheap sherry or port to get over all 4′-6″ of Snookwhore and send you twenty blessings.
In the fourth episode Snooki travels to 1963 for the grand premiere of “It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World” and is mistaken on the red carpet as Buddy Hackett in drag; two Hackett groupies push her into a broom closet and suck her fat cockk.
in the fifth episode Snooki travels to 1647 and is burned as a witch after she shows up in Plymouth wearing a hoochie mama skirt, 6 inch heels and a tube top that says “will fuck for money or Jesus – which or whoever cums first.”.
–
Here final words as the flames licked her heels was her bitching out her agent on her hands free cellphone. They figured she was talking to the devil. She was.
–
(cut to commercial)
–
At the end, she is still alive and it’s the year 2086. Most of the world is starving to death. She is still reading her agent the riot act “OF CAWSS I dint get burned ya idiot! I’d been fuckin drinkin bud lite all fuckin day! I just peed on the fire. They thought it was a fuckin miracle – stupid shits. So now I’m stuck in the future, and it looks like Irvington, only without the people…get the hell outa here – I want more money if this is the shit I gotta deal with…”
@ Jacques 8:06 PM,
i just blindly feed on other people’s emotions instead of believing in anything.
I believe the children are the future,
teach them well and let them know
things may be all shit right now,
but it gets worse when your old
.
Happy meals and Easter bunny,
great moments indeed
Enjoy it now while you still can
cuz I believe
.
I believe in miracles
and dreams can come true
especially the ones
where your teeth fall out
or you’re naked at school
.
even sleeping brings us pain
we never get no relief
But that’s how it’s meant to be
that’s what I believe
.
What ever happen to trust?
come on people
It’s what we need
Stop confusing the issues with facts
Cuz me for one,
I still believe
.
I believe in the written word
if it’s on paper it’s true
it’s all gospel as far as I’m concerned
if somebody wrote it
it’s good enough for me
.
why be so suspicious of the ones
who tried to keep you informed?
they give you the things you need
that’s why I believe
in the sixth episode, humanity is on the verge of the technological singularity and Snooki single-handedly reverses the process so that the world then embarks on a path of slow death by ever-aggravating stupidity. but not before her agent commits ritual suicide to a live global audience.
In another day and age, this red-and -black attired boar-thistle-head douchewank would have been the perfect Fuller Brush salesman….
and she the little missy answering the door.
if i must survive the Swifferhead to get to tomorrow’s podcast…
then, well, i guess i must.
In episode 7 while traipsing through the 70’s Snooki meets impressionable young director John Waters who is taken with her and goes on to cast her opposite Tab Hunter, Ricki Lake and Mink Stole in a number of motion picture releases.
Snooki after agitated “pull harder” cries from whatever crowed gathered to behold this obscenity, pulled harder. To her great surprise and with a great big *PLOPP* Swiffers head came off; He was in fact a great Lego douche! And she? She was in a dream. In fact she was still in a bathroom stall choking on orange cock. Instead of reflecting on the moment she continued happily chugging it down.
The End.
Episode 8: 2018 – The BP oil rig blowout is finally stoppd when Snooki fellates the rig pipe bone dry. She also absorbs all the crude, but leaves behind a dank fishy odor that eventually depopulates the Gulf.
are you in silhouette so that we don’t see your ed hardy t-shirt and mori tats? say it isn’t so, jay, say it isn’t so.
tremendous interview, by the way. i am still listening to it. good stuff. listening to the groin shave reveal action.
It would be nice if Carolla would shut the fuck up for a second and not talk over you. His ramblings were seldom interesting. Or funny.
I think he might be a douchebag, if not a “smarmybag.”
It’s less an interview/discussion and more a plea from Carolla to convince us he’s still relevant.
I love you DB1 and support all you do. But associating with Adam Carolla dilutes the venom of our work. Distance yourself from him. His long-winded explanations of the obvious betray his claim to “smart, funny” guy.
Say it clearly, say it once, then shut the fuck up. That is what you did and that is why you are classy.
Living on the opposite side of the continent, I don’t know who the fuck Adam Corolla is. He sounds like the interviewee. Letterman would set the guest up and let THEM have 97% of the conversation.
I peed in a Corolla once. Hatchback.
“…the chicks are the consumers” – Friggin loved that!
@ darksock
I hope your pee reeked of asparagus.
In episode 9 it is revealed that Snooki actually saved the U.S. during the Cuban Missile Crisis. JFK had her secretly sent to the waters off of Cuba by pushing her out of a U-2 spy plane. Upon entering the water, a huge undertow was created which swept all 4 Russian subs into her cooter. One she reached land, the Cuban and Russian were so terrified of her that they renamed her landing spot The Bay of Pig.
Episode 10: AD 39
In an attempt to learn more about her Italian heritage, Snooki travels back to ancient Rome, under the rule of Caligula. Incitatus, the horse that Caligula tried famously to make a Roman consul, pees in Snooki’s butt.
In episode 12 Snooki goes back in time and decides that Neanderthals are kind of cute. She spends a couple of years sleeping her way around Europe and spawning/abandoning kids. That neatly explains how Neanderthal DNA made it into the homo sapiens gene pool and why they went extinct. It was voluntary and purely due to shame.
In episode 13 Snooki goes back in time to find out what happened to episode 11.
Episode 11: AD 28
Snooki, slutting around old Jerusalem was caught in the act of adultery. The scribes and Pharisees called
JC over and told him she had to be stoned according to Moses’ Law. So JC came up with the famous line “let he who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Being the only one outside the temple who had not sinned JC gave her a pass handsign and she was spared. JC said that if Snooki didn’t repent the day is coming when Snooki will be burned.
For the conclusion see Episode 10: Massengill 8:18 and then Episode 5: Troy 9:07. Snooki win.
I think we need a physicist to comment on the feasibility of Snooki’s time travel in regards to general relativity. Has she negated her existence by episode 12? Are their Snookii living in parallel universes. Is my underwear clean? Could Snooki be our mother? Do I need a drink? Hell yes.
Snooki’s gash is so big it is a black hole.
In episode 14, Snooki travels back to episode and poses as a Buddy Hackett groupie. Fellow contestant Dave Coulier is eliminated when he can’t stop vomiting. Tracey Gold calls him a pussy.
SHIT! *travels back to episode 4*
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(I really hate how this new site has no preview or delete.)
@ Rev. Chad 9:44
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The Snookie Monster has not in fact expired yet. Think of her time travels as the kind Bill and Ted did. Unfortunately she keeps setting her watch 15 minutes fast and that’s why we can’t get rid of her. Now if you talk to a string theorist, they’ll tell you that indeed she is present in 11 dimensions all at the same time and in an infinite number of universes to boot. String theory is to real science what a tire iron is to a mackerel, useless. And not only is it useless, it is also unprovable. So depending on what view you want to take she can either keep time traveling or be everywhere all at once in every universe. Sorry, the ubergeeky side came out again.
Snooki Time-travels face-first into my boot. I dunno how it happened, Officer. I was just standing here.
It looks like Scott Farkus the dickhead bully from the movie Christmas Story grew up to be a Spartan bag…
In episode 15, Snooki travels to 105,000 BC and has sex with Cro- Bagnon Man, unwittingly conceiving a lineage that would result both The Situation and Hep C.
*result IN*
.
FECKKKKK!
In episode 16 Snooki travels back another age to fuck ape men. When she awakes they have found the femur of some ancient mammal and a large orange obelisk. She tells the obelisk that he looks like Pauli D. and fucks it. At the end of this episode she finds herself in the future locked outside the pod bay doors. Hal thought she was a Martian.
he stole my freaking broom head
In episode 17, Snooki travels to the late nineteenth century where her bizarre orange skin made her something of a celebrity in Victorian high society. Alexandra of Denmark, then Princess of Wales and later Queen Consort, developed a kindly interest in Snooki, leading other members of the upper class to embrace her. She eventually became a favorite of Queen Victoria. On 11 April 1890, she passed away unexpectedly. Her death was apparently caused by the accidental dislocation of his neck during sleep – Snooki, unable to sleep reclining due to the weight of her hair, may have tried to do so in this instance, in an attempt to imitate normal behavior. Her preserved skeleton remains in the pathology collection at the Royal London Hospital and was later bid upon my the late Micheal Jackson.
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Her death during time travel garnered Donald Trump’s Time Travel Scavenger Hunt it’s best ratings eve. Trump returned to Victorian England in episode 18 and posthumously harvested enough bone marrow to have eight Snookis made in 22nd century China. One Snooki clone (aka a “Snooki Dupe” or “Snoopi”) completed the Scavenger Hunt, six were killed in Trump’s all time ratings record holder special, Six Snooki Snuffs LIVE!, and the eighth Snoopi filed for emancipation from Trump and married Kirk Cameron Mark IV.
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The death of the Prime Snooki also generated an alternate reality where Ryan Seacrest defeated Al Gore in a controversial U.S Presidential Election in AD 2000.
Baron for the win. That was some crazy time travelling Snooki thread. Or was it?
I peed in a physicist once. Except that it wasn’t a physicist and it wasn’t pee.
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And can we not be subjected to Adam “my life and career peaked in the 90’s” Carolla again. Please? thanks.
If he tilts his head just a little more south he can clean my garage floor. He’s good enough for that.
That Adam Carolla is a nasal, braying, blowhard unfunny self-aggrandizing doofus, and DB1 sounded like he was doing his best to wiggle up into Carolla’s rectal antechamber with all that “yeah, ain’t THAT the truth!” shuck and jive. Otherwise, good interview.
^Wasssup DarkSock!
@Dr Bunsen
Any theory with proponents that justify its grant proposals with “But hey, it is the only game in town” is not a theory, nor even a hypothesis. It is a cult. I dabbled with it back in the nineties and now I am kind of like an ex-smoker with regards to it – twice as vehement and opinionated on the subject! That’s a thought – ISTR Dicy being a physics major? You’d better send her a shot of the vaccine before they get to her. And I mean the vaccine, let’s not have a repeat of the unfortunate pee in a syringe joke.
On another note: Episode 18.
Snooki travels back to the Big Bang and says “Call that a big bang? I’ll show you a big bang!” Her following actions could not be broadcast but if you are very brave and want to know where the missing antimatter is then I’d suggest firing a gamma ray probe into the lead and magnet lined containment vessel formerly known as Snooki’s Truck Stop.