Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Kettlehead Revealed

2009’s never-quite-douchey enough-to-become-legend assclown, Kettlehead, has finally revealed his eyes for all the world to see.

And he’s Will Ferrell.

Boy, that was a letdown, K-Head.

Put the glasses back on and celebrate the singular eyebrow once again. Margie agrees, the mystery was way better than the reveal.

Unfinished Tatt Guy

UTG’s favorite classical composition is Schubert’s Unfinished Symphony.

UTG’s favorite videogame is “Half Life.”

When UTG commits to something, he promises to “give 50%.”

When UTG swears he won’t give up, he promises to “work at it 12/3.5.”

UTG signs all his postcards to friends and family by writing “Having a great time, wish.”

When someone sneezes, UTG says “God.”

Oh, Sandy. Your perfect lithe and taut stomach beckons my tongue to flickedy lick upon your ab muscles like a spastic oyster with lupus.

Or, put in a way that UTG would understand, “I would like to.”

Veg Armstrong’s “Army of One”

Veg Armstrong wanted to come by and say that he approves of Lenny being mocked, and Pauline’s Germanic construction being approved, as our HCwDB of the Week.

Actually Veg Armstrong just wanted you to know that his douchey friend, “The Bradster,” is currently shtupping Miranda. Since Veg has no need for carnal relations, he takes pride in his friends’ accomplishments.

Veg Armstrong's "Army of One"

Veg Armstrong wanted to come by and say that he approves of Lenny being mocked, and Pauline’s Germanic construction being approved, as our HCwDB of the Week.

Actually Veg Armstrong just wanted you to know that his douchey friend, “The Bradster,” is currently shtupping Miranda. Since Veg has no need for carnal relations, he takes pride in his friends’ accomplishments.

HCwDB of the Week: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina

A tough, tough vote, with Lenny barely overtaking Shower Long, and with the tatttastic Mopey nearly coming in a surprising third based on a strong write-in campaign (and perhaps earning a slot in next week’s Weekly). But Middle Aged Old Sag takes the Weekly. The voters speak:

Douche Dastardly: At first glance Lenny’s Gladiator photo could be quickly labeled as some simple Old Bag Costume party one time thing, but those ab tatts and flaming basketball quarter arm sleeve tell us this is not Lenny’s first time at the rodeo. Walnuts is right. Lenny is definitely an asshole, but first and foremost he is a douche. Lenny FTW

Musicman: Lenny and Paulina FTW….While I give major props to oldbags who want to keep seeing women…However, when you dress with nothing but a leather underwear, it’s goddamn scary. Making me look it him more makes me want to take two pencils, and shove them in my eyes. At least the pain from that is better than seeing Lenny dressed like that.

Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: “Death B4 Dishonor”, Lenny? How ’bout just “Death”? Maybe by being impaled by large rod-shaped object in an area of great discomfort? Eh, forget it, he’d love it. Even with the delicious East-German version of Ana Faris right there. Mmmmmm.

Vin Douchal: Gotta go with Lenny/Paulina FTW on the basis of he should know better but he doesn’t.

Jimmy: Being as the end is nigh, it takes a special breed of douche to really become memorable. So when mild mannered accountant Lenny decided to sell his soul at the crossroads for his ripped body, Lucifer himself created the horrible visage we see here.

Baleen: Lenny ftw. After looking at him, shit sputtered out my ass like paint balls exploding in the toilet in a series of toxic splats that forever will be encrusted on the porcelain.

Troy Tempest: Lenny wins because he’s old to know better. And his GSR caused me such gas I left a skidmark on the sofa.

Douchelips: Lenny’s and Paulina simply for the best showing by an oldbag in ages. I mean look at that outfit! The tatts, that hated 2010 bag signifier the groin shave reveal, and for looking like a trustworthy salesman, Lenny deserves the win (loss). Now if only Lynn wants to come over and have a sleep-over party with me, we can eat gummy bears and watch Friday the 13th while I gently rub her thigh…

Mahatma Gandouche: I was in a Starbucks this morning and heard a young girl scream out in horror… DAD? and then ran out the door in tears, leaving her laptop on the table I glanced over to see she had this picture of Lenny on her screen and felt sorry for her. I decided a vote for him would only prolong his 15 min of fame.

tall guy: I vote Lenny. The chance that he’s not already been of his complete and utter doucheness is, at best, remote, but I make an allowance for the strong probability that he’s been running with a pack of similarly hideous types and availed himself of strength in numbers.

Medusa Oblongata: I cast my vote for Lenny’s Midlife Crisis. Why? Because I have labored over too many humid, middle-aged crotches doing shit tattoos like that. I have had to have my mug too close to the junk of too many Viagra-addled creepsters like this, getting these stupid tattoos in a desperate effort to impress their new [potential] girlfriends.

Mr. Biggs: Midlife crisis. All the way, no question, no debate. For eye gouging display of douchebaggery, there is no parallel. His very tattoo is a contradiction because he should have killed himself long ago for such a disgraceful display.

Hong Kong Douchey: Lenny FTW. He needs to hit the bricks ’cause that aluminum siding ain’t gonna sell itself. Lenny needs to get out of the clubs so he can start saving for his 14 year-old daughter’s therapist bills. She and Mom moved back to Kansas after the divorce. C’mon, Lenny, I’m only 40 and know better than to try that look.

Doucheasorus Maximus: Lenny FTW. Did he lose a bet? WTF is he thinking??

Indeed he did lose a bet, D.M. It’s a long story involving greased chihuahuas and a spice trader named Vincent. Coming in a solid second, the ridiculousness of Showy Long and Lynn:

Bagnonymous: I vote Showie Long and Lynn–they’re too perfectly “textbook” douchebag & bleeth to pass up. It’s like they’d fit perfectly on the cover of DB1’s book [insert shameless plug here].

BMC: Showy Long and Lynn for the win. The hot is, well, hot and he certainly is not.

Victor von Douche: I’m going to have to go with Showie Long. The insidious tongue exposure, cocked hat, tat sleeve, Ed Hardy shorts, etc. are all classic douche, he clearly wants it the most.

Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt: Showie’s tongue looks like a professional football placekicker tagged him square in the nads with a full force kick, and with his last bit of life-energy, he let his escaped manhood dribble out of his mouth.

Douchey the Great: Showie and Lynn FTW. He’s pollution in the gene pool (and any other pool he jumps into), and Lynn is unadulterated Stage 4 Bleeth.

Cheesesock: oh Lynn, she of hot tummy suckle and eternal damnation.

Lynn’s bod certainly qualifies for something. Involving lotion and raisins. And in a solid third place, with support for being a Fox wearing pud, was Abe Foxman and Team:

Et Tu Douche?: They both bring the goods. Imho she is sneaky hott the kind that would stun you with her enthusiastic, all things go, playful antics in the bedroom, backseat of car etc, while Abe is pure Douche no matter how you slice it. Just clear your mind and imagine spotting him for the first time now what is the first ting that comes to mind? DB? Choad? pudwank? in my case all of the above. This should be a no brainer.

Ted: So Abe walks into a bar with a fox around his neck. The bartender says “What the hell is that?” The fox then perked up and said “What, him? I got him in Miami, there’s a million of ‘em.”

Pablo Sinatra: Abe Foxman gets the win in my opinion, for digging up my dead dog and wearing him as a scarf. A little respect for the dead, douchebag!

smackdouche: ABE is the obvious choice. He doesn’t acknowledge that there are others in the picture, they are background to his masterpiece. Moreover, he only requires the presence of the mink.

Dex: He is wearing a dog. I don’t know if he fed the dog over-the-counter sedatives to keep it in limp-noodle form all night long, or if he actually took the time out to train his pooch to be his Saturday night accessory. The implications of both terrify me.

Crocodile Dun Douche: I can’t seem to get past the dead vermin draped around that musky euroderp. If its fake thats one thing, but if its real, I hope the rest of that poor arctic foxes family hunts down and gains vengence for this atrocity. Not so much that the fox was killed in the first place, but the act of desecrating the poor animals hide by slinging it around the greasy shoulders of someone whose word for the day calender probably reads ‘date rape’.

my friends call me @$$hole: i gotta’ give it to foxman and the prep cook… firstly, i’d like to extend a notta’ to the prep cook, he’s just a guy in a photo with some girl in some club and his annoying ass friend, he probably calls foxman a cockblock behind his back, but they were friends since the first grade or something… but foxman doesn’t need homies to back him up to take this weekly, he has a dead animal draped over his bare shoulders… if anyone from PETA reads this, do make sure and schedule him for a public dousing in fake blood and quickly…

But Lenny’s “Death B4 Dishonor” gay gladiator look, and Paulina’s confused Aryan beauty were too strong to overcome. Lets let Sergeant Scrote Stain take us home:

Lenny. Lenny. And Lenny. Captain Old Balls is the douche that refuses to give up douching. The other two clowns will eventually grow up to live depressing and unsatisfying lives. Their shame will be second only to the handicaps they suffer on account of their poor life decisions. And that’s just. But Lenny’s slipped through the cracks. He’s one of the few douches who’s been able to buy into every retarded fad yet slime into a comfortable living. His fifty year douchémé is legendary. Paulina appears comfortable enough with this wrinkly testicled asshat to touch his leathery shoulders. That fact alone has given me some disturbingly violent urges. If he even makes it to first base I’m going to stomp on my dog’s nads… And you know what? He’s a good dog.

Well said, S.S.S. and a great round of mock. A split vote simply means a higher caliber of hottie/douchey analytical debate, so kudos to all. And your humble narrator for a Pop Tart.

HCwDB of the Week: Lenny's Midlife Crisis and Paulina

A tough, tough vote, with Lenny barely overtaking Shower Long, and with the tatttastic Mopey nearly coming in a surprising third based on a strong write-in campaign (and perhaps earning a slot in next week’s Weekly). But Middle Aged Old Sag takes the Weekly. The voters speak:

Douche Dastardly: At first glance Lenny’s Gladiator photo could be quickly labeled as some simple Old Bag Costume party one time thing, but those ab tatts and flaming basketball quarter arm sleeve tell us this is not Lenny’s first time at the rodeo. Walnuts is right. Lenny is definitely an asshole, but first and foremost he is a douche. Lenny FTW

Musicman: Lenny and Paulina FTW….While I give major props to oldbags who want to keep seeing women…However, when you dress with nothing but a leather underwear, it’s goddamn scary. Making me look it him more makes me want to take two pencils, and shove them in my eyes. At least the pain from that is better than seeing Lenny dressed like that.

Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: “Death B4 Dishonor”, Lenny? How ’bout just “Death”? Maybe by being impaled by large rod-shaped object in an area of great discomfort? Eh, forget it, he’d love it. Even with the delicious East-German version of Ana Faris right there. Mmmmmm.

Vin Douchal: Gotta go with Lenny/Paulina FTW on the basis of he should know better but he doesn’t.

Jimmy: Being as the end is nigh, it takes a special breed of douche to really become memorable. So when mild mannered accountant Lenny decided to sell his soul at the crossroads for his ripped body, Lucifer himself created the horrible visage we see here.

Baleen: Lenny ftw. After looking at him, shit sputtered out my ass like paint balls exploding in the toilet in a series of toxic splats that forever will be encrusted on the porcelain.

Troy Tempest: Lenny wins because he’s old to know better. And his GSR caused me such gas I left a skidmark on the sofa.

Douchelips: Lenny’s and Paulina simply for the best showing by an oldbag in ages. I mean look at that outfit! The tatts, that hated 2010 bag signifier the groin shave reveal, and for looking like a trustworthy salesman, Lenny deserves the win (loss). Now if only Lynn wants to come over and have a sleep-over party with me, we can eat gummy bears and watch Friday the 13th while I gently rub her thigh…

Mahatma Gandouche: I was in a Starbucks this morning and heard a young girl scream out in horror… DAD? and then ran out the door in tears, leaving her laptop on the table I glanced over to see she had this picture of Lenny on her screen and felt sorry for her. I decided a vote for him would only prolong his 15 min of fame.

tall guy: I vote Lenny. The chance that he’s not already been of his complete and utter doucheness is, at best, remote, but I make an allowance for the strong probability that he’s been running with a pack of similarly hideous types and availed himself of strength in numbers.

Medusa Oblongata: I cast my vote for Lenny’s Midlife Crisis. Why? Because I have labored over too many humid, middle-aged crotches doing shit tattoos like that. I have had to have my mug too close to the junk of too many Viagra-addled creepsters like this, getting these stupid tattoos in a desperate effort to impress their new [potential] girlfriends.

Mr. Biggs: Midlife crisis. All the way, no question, no debate. For eye gouging display of douchebaggery, there is no parallel. His very tattoo is a contradiction because he should have killed himself long ago for such a disgraceful display.

Hong Kong Douchey: Lenny FTW. He needs to hit the bricks ’cause that aluminum siding ain’t gonna sell itself. Lenny needs to get out of the clubs so he can start saving for his 14 year-old daughter’s therapist bills. She and Mom moved back to Kansas after the divorce. C’mon, Lenny, I’m only 40 and know better than to try that look.

Doucheasorus Maximus: Lenny FTW. Did he lose a bet? WTF is he thinking??

Indeed he did lose a bet, D.M. It’s a long story involving greased chihuahuas and a spice trader named Vincent. Coming in a solid second, the ridiculousness of Showy Long and Lynn:

Bagnonymous: I vote Showie Long and Lynn–they’re too perfectly “textbook” douchebag & bleeth to pass up. It’s like they’d fit perfectly on the cover of DB1’s book [insert shameless plug here].

BMC: Showy Long and Lynn for the win. The hot is, well, hot and he certainly is not.

Victor von Douche: I’m going to have to go with Showie Long. The insidious tongue exposure, cocked hat, tat sleeve, Ed Hardy shorts, etc. are all classic douche, he clearly wants it the most.

Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt: Showie’s tongue looks like a professional football placekicker tagged him square in the nads with a full force kick, and with his last bit of life-energy, he let his escaped manhood dribble out of his mouth.

Douchey the Great: Showie and Lynn FTW. He’s pollution in the gene pool (and any other pool he jumps into), and Lynn is unadulterated Stage 4 Bleeth.

Cheesesock: oh Lynn, she of hot tummy suckle and eternal damnation.

Lynn’s bod certainly qualifies for something. Involving lotion and raisins. And in a solid third place, with support for being a Fox wearing pud, was Abe Foxman and Team:

Et Tu Douche?: They both bring the goods. Imho she is sneaky hott the kind that would stun you with her enthusiastic, all things go, playful antics in the bedroom, backseat of car etc, while Abe is pure Douche no matter how you slice it. Just clear your mind and imagine spotting him for the first time now what is the first ting that comes to mind? DB? Choad? pudwank? in my case all of the above. This should be a no brainer.

Ted: So Abe walks into a bar with a fox around his neck. The bartender says “What the hell is that?” The fox then perked up and said “What, him? I got him in Miami, there’s a million of ‘em.”

Pablo Sinatra: Abe Foxman gets the win in my opinion, for digging up my dead dog and wearing him as a scarf. A little respect for the dead, douchebag!

smackdouche: ABE is the obvious choice. He doesn’t acknowledge that there are others in the picture, they are background to his masterpiece. Moreover, he only requires the presence of the mink.

Dex: He is wearing a dog. I don’t know if he fed the dog over-the-counter sedatives to keep it in limp-noodle form all night long, or if he actually took the time out to train his pooch to be his Saturday night accessory. The implications of both terrify me.

Crocodile Dun Douche: I can’t seem to get past the dead vermin draped around that musky euroderp. If its fake thats one thing, but if its real, I hope the rest of that poor arctic foxes family hunts down and gains vengence for this atrocity. Not so much that the fox was killed in the first place, but the act of desecrating the poor animals hide by slinging it around the greasy shoulders of someone whose word for the day calender probably reads ‘date rape’.

my friends call me @$$hole: i gotta’ give it to foxman and the prep cook… firstly, i’d like to extend a notta’ to the prep cook, he’s just a guy in a photo with some girl in some club and his annoying ass friend, he probably calls foxman a cockblock behind his back, but they were friends since the first grade or something… but foxman doesn’t need homies to back him up to take this weekly, he has a dead animal draped over his bare shoulders… if anyone from PETA reads this, do make sure and schedule him for a public dousing in fake blood and quickly…

But Lenny’s “Death B4 Dishonor” gay gladiator look, and Paulina’s confused Aryan beauty were too strong to overcome. Lets let Sergeant Scrote Stain take us home:

Lenny. Lenny. And Lenny. Captain Old Balls is the douche that refuses to give up douching. The other two clowns will eventually grow up to live depressing and unsatisfying lives. Their shame will be second only to the handicaps they suffer on account of their poor life decisions. And that’s just. But Lenny’s slipped through the cracks. He’s one of the few douches who’s been able to buy into every retarded fad yet slime into a comfortable living. His fifty year douchémé is legendary. Paulina appears comfortable enough with this wrinkly testicled asshat to touch his leathery shoulders. That fact alone has given me some disturbingly violent urges. If he even makes it to first base I’m going to stomp on my dog’s nads… And you know what? He’s a good dog.

Well said, S.S.S. and a great round of mock. A split vote simply means a higher caliber of hottie/douchey analytical debate, so kudos to all. And your humble narrator for a Pop Tart.

Hot Chicks with Douchebags and Chipmunks

One of Roy Disney’s lesser known dream projects.

High School Sucks

The only way to win is not to play, kids.

Reader Mail: Snowtagging

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Greetings DB1,

– Snowtagger

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As a fan of the 1991 classic, Ski School, I look forward to your submissions, Snowtagger. We need some more winter climate ‘bags and hotties on the site.

Four Prong Plays Pool with Sophie

You could be the one who points out that Four Prong actually has five prongs. But if you do, then you don’t understand the douche power of Four Prong.

Sophie’s hanging on as long as she can to the beauty train. So just agree that she’s 29 when you order your cocktails.