Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Benny the Roadie Choadie

Count the douche signifiers on Benny:

Duck-bill hat tilt + mandana on forehead. Six pound watch. “Rocker” hand gesture. Chin-pube dribble flying like a Gerber Baby in mid death rattle.

Watch as Benny pulls his “I’m with the band” game on Patricia.

Patricia gives off that seductive, “I’ll spank your bare bottom with a half chewed Fruit Roll-Up while you scream out ‘Surrender Dorothy!,’ then watch Adult Swim with you until you pass out in a puddle of drool on my Hello Kitty pillow” vibe.

And I approve of just such a sequence.

London Bridge is Spreading Communicable Diseases

London Bridge is Spreading Communicable Diseases,

My itchy leggy.

Rachel Orders a Pineapple Head

When Rachel finally managed to ditch her parents by the Siegfried & Roy exhibit, snuck out back by the pool area and asked for a “Pineapple Head” drink off the menu at the Sands, this wasn’t quite what she expected.

Ask DB1: “Psychological Malefunction”

Christina writes in with a rant that says it all:

—–
idk what the hell i’m supposed to write here but this dude is a psychological malefunction. i met him a few days before moving back to the east-coast but he convinced me he was worth staying for (stupid choice #1) 25 yr. old in vegas. jobless. lives with mom. in hopes to be a d.j.. favorite t.v. show = rupauls drag-race. runs his mouth on all his friends & is the oldest in his crowd, probably cause it makes him feel “cool”. the temper of a 17 yr. old valley girl on the rag. cries all the time. lies about things normal people wouldn’t lie about. like his ex-girlfriend dying in a car accident, but in full detail…. and crying about it. (i found out she was very much alive & hit the breaking point). he spends more than 2 hr.s getting ready. transforms from a benecio del toro to a napoleon dynamite in a matter of seconds, when zoned out. he is completely obsessed with himself, when i got my camera back i had to delete like 20 freakin photos of him doing “hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil” faces…

— Christina
—–

“Psychological malefunction” may be the unintended malapropism of the year. Or, to make a meta-mala, I propose the neologism: “malepropism.”

But I digress. Christina’s email offers a deep and profound insight into the mind of both the H.C. and the D.B. that come together. We, as ‘bag scholars, must perform exegesis upon this text. Unpack it’s complex and contradictory signifiers to discover the larger cultural and historical strains at work.

However, the pic featured here is not Christina’s ex, since I didn’t get a pic of this doucher with a hot chick to run. Here’s the actual pic Christina submitted.

Ask DB1: "Psychological Malefunction"

Christina writes in with a rant that says it all:

—–

idk what the hell i’m supposed to write here but this dude is a psychological malefunction. i met him a few days before moving back to the east-coast but he convinced me he was worth staying for (stupid choice #1) 25 yr. old in vegas. jobless. lives with mom. in hopes to be a d.j.. favorite t.v. show = rupauls drag-race. runs his mouth on all his friends & is the oldest in his crowd, probably cause it makes him feel “cool”. the temper of a 17 yr. old valley girl on the rag. cries all the time. lies about things normal people wouldn’t lie about. like his ex-girlfriend dying in a car accident, but in full detail…. and crying about it. (i found out she was very much alive & hit the breaking point). he spends more than 2 hr.s getting ready. transforms from a benecio del toro to a napoleon dynamite in a matter of seconds, when zoned out. he is completely obsessed with himself, when i got my camera back i had to delete like 20 freakin photos of him doing “hear no evil, speak no evil, see no evil” faces…

— Christina

—–

“Psychological malefunction” may be the unintended malapropism of the year. Or, to make a meta-mala, I propose the neologism: “malepropism.”

But I digress. Christina’s email offers a deep and profound insight into the mind of both the H.C. and the D.B. that come together. We, as ‘bag scholars, must perform exegesis upon this text. Unpack it’s complex and contradictory signifiers to discover the larger cultural and historical strains at work.

However, the pic featured here is not Christina’s ex, since I didn’t get a pic of this doucher with a hot chick to run. Here’s the actual pic Christina submitted.

Lenny’s Midlife Crisis

Because, for Lenny, that was just one P.T.A. meeting too many. It was time to throw it all away. Start from scratch. Reinvent himself.

As a naked gladiator.

Meanwhile, Paulina asks herself if leaving Dusseldorf really was worth it in the end.

Lenny's Midlife Crisis

Because, for Lenny, that was just one P.T.A. meeting too many. It was time to throw it all away. Start from scratch. Reinvent himself.

As a naked gladiator.

Meanwhile, Paulina asks herself if leaving Dusseldorf really was worth it in the end.

Sinbag Fails the Seven Seas

Arrrr!!! Ye matey is a douche!!!

Get thy bar wenches away from this scurvy dog, arrr!!!!

The Sharkbag Plucks His Goose

HCwDB of the Week contender The Sharkbag wants this thing bad. So bad, he’s getting auto-fellated with one of the key douche signifiers, Runnin’ With the Goose.

Note the fascination on young Joey’s face as he learns to douche from a true master.

But Star Blazer isn’t taking this one lying down, busting out the classic douche move: The iPhone bathroom mirror self portrait.

Who will win the HCwDB of the Week?

Yup, I’m pimpin’ this worse than a crack ho’ in post-recession Detroit.

Abe Foxman Voted in the HCwDB of the Week

You might not have heard of Abe Foxman.

He’s the head of the Anti Douchimation League, an important New York based non-profit dedicated to making sure douchebags are mocked at all times.

Unfortunately, a large bender in Vegas led Foxman to shave his chest, put on the McBain Goggles That Do Nothing, find adouchey wingman, and hit on Kathy by the slots machines at the Palm.

Another fall from grace for an overhyped moralist.