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Tuesday, June 29, 2010
The Spiker Knows
Who knows what lust lies in the heart of gaggles of woo hotties on the dance floor?
The Spiker knows.
Monday, June 28, 2010HCwDB After Dark: Captain Hardy Says “Ahoy!”
Come on in!!
Grab some Hot Pockets in the fridge. Or a tasty Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry.
Pull up a chair! Settle on in.
The mock is a 24/7 operation here at HCwDB, where dozens of skilled web technicians are hard at work generating the images and text to continue our cultural deconstruction. We’ve expanded our operation from my living room over to the couch tonight. And while there’s less traffic this time a’ night, that just means more for you.
Because the moment we relent, the moment Axe Bodyspray releases a new hair gel product.
So we will… not… stop.
Until ‘bags are mocked.
And hotties repent for their sins. By letting me gnaw on their toesies like a morphine addled gila monster on dexedrine.
Monday, June 28, 2010HCwDB After Dark: Captain Hardy Says "Ahoy!"
Come on in!!
Grab some Hot Pockets in the fridge. Or a tasty Dr. Brown’s Black Cherry.
Pull up a chair! Settle on in.
The mock is a 24/7 operation here at HCwDB, where dozens of skilled web technicians are hard at work generating the images and text to continue our cultural deconstruction. We’ve expanded our operation from my living room over to the couch tonight. And while there’s less traffic this time a’ night, that just means more for you.
Because the moment we relent, the moment Axe Bodyspray releases a new hair gel product.
So we will… not… stop.
Until ‘bags are mocked.
And hotties repent for their sins. By letting me gnaw on their toesies like a morphine addled gila monster on dexedrine.
Monday, June 28, 2010Irene Huffs Glue, Dates Mr. Dogpoo
Irene promised herself a thousand times she’d never again date a guy with three strips of tiny ant-lines of chin pubes.
But that’s what huffing glue will do to your long term judgment. Which is why it’s a bad thing.
Remember, kids. Say no to huffing glue.
Monday, June 28, 2010Swifferhead Voted
HCwDB gadfly, The Swifferhead, wanted to take a moment out of pestering lovely Melanie, who deserves better but hates her small town and couldn’t get that student loan to stay enrolled at U. of Michigan, to vote in the HCwDB of the Month.
Have you voted yet?
Monday, June 28, 2010HCwDB of the Month
Booya. Bring the proverbial it. A tough and legit smackdown between Party Boy shoescrape and bouncy hotness is on. And by on, I mean crotch itch.
Here’s your finalists:
HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Lake Crotch Cactii
I just got back from my covert-op trip to Vegas, where the odds on the Cactii taking the Monthly were longer than the wait at the discount buffet for new “Player’s Club” members. Longer than a Dan Fogelberg song getting remixed by Jay-Z. Longer than a Hard Rock Casino day-after-pill giveaway promotion.
Okay, I gots nothin’.
Still hung over.
But the truth is, we haven’t really focused on the smalltown boat riding lakebags who mug their small town hotties in awhile, and TLCC demonstrate an important part of Grieco Virus.
Especially with Jed and Barry pulling off Iceman and Goose, and then Iceman Finding Love.
I take it back. A worthy Monthly entry indeed.
HCwDB of the Month Finalists #2: Four Prong and Assorted K Sisters
Gender ambiguity, party promotion craptastica, and a bevy of hotties makes Four Prong a formidable contender in the Monthly.
The run of itch-worthy arrogance in presence of the ladies continued in Four Prong Plays Pool with Sophie, the Four Prong Posse, Four Prong Spikes His Drinks (with quality Hott Nuzzle), Four Prong Skewers (with quality boob reveal), and, finally, Bikini Spike Lick.
That’s a serious run of hot chickery, with douche activities present in every pic.
But with no single Hot Chick, has Four Prong spread his spikey seed too far to really codify into a toxic HCwDB pic?
That leads us to:
HCwDB of the Month Finalists #3: Lenny’s Midlife Crisis and Paulina
With only one pic to bring to the game, Lenny still is a formidable contender.
Why?
Groin Shave Reveal on an Oldbag with a Leather Thong = end of societal hope.
Paulina is confused European innocence with a touch of raunch.
For Paulina, Buddhists light incense and fondle themselves.
Together, they make all sorts of wrong.
But wrong enough to knock off our final contender?
HCwDB of the Month Finalists #4: The Sharkbag and Renee
The Sharkpud has had a plethora of pics to build his case for the monthly, including Goose Crotch BJs Renee also appearing as slutty Gina Gershon in ’95 hott, Shark With Boobies and, finally, Sharkbag and Trampy Hott.
That’s a spicey douchebag!
But does quantity build a stronger case for the Monthly?
Does the Shark’s run top Four Prong? Are Four Prong’s spikes just too silly? Can the real world Top Guns of the Crotch Cactii pull off the epic upset? Will Oldsag and Groin Shave Reveal help Lenny and Paulina take the prize?
It’s all teed up for you.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, June 27, 2010Douchebag on the Beach
Off-camera ladies bringing the ‘bag hunting mock makes the DB1 happy on this Sunday morning in Vegas. Even happier, the Vegas ‘Bags do not know that I walk amongst them, mocking as I go.
Saturday, June 26, 2010Jimmy Lets Loose!
Yo go, Jimmy!! You so crazy!!
And while we’re at it, Go Team USA!!
Okay fine, none of us care about soccer.
But we do care about Brazilian Soccer Pear.
Friday, June 25, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Hark! Your humble narrator is off. On the road, Dean Moriarity style. With a dash of P.J. O’Rourke. Headed for a sneak-attack covert ops mission to none other than Vegas this afternoon. Should get there by sunset.
A weekend of research for an upcoming project? Or an excuse to drink heavily away from the City of Angels in the Heart of Doucheness?
I cannot say.
But if I don’t make it back, know that I met my demise in the following manor: It was Swifferhead, in the library, with the Axe Bodyspray.
Here’s your well earned links:
Warning: Ubergay fistpumping ahead: The Guido Fistpumpers I linked to last week as The Three Bromingos, are still up to no good at 4am. Here’s take two. Richard Simmons just watched this and turned straight.
Yet more riffs in the HCwDB style: Piece of Shit Clothing on Funny or Die.
Speaking of ubergay fist pumping, Old School D.B. Ryan Seacrest is still pretending to be straight.
Justin Ross Lee’s Facebook photos self describe him as a ‘Jew Jetting Whore’ with ‘Mileage Score.’ Perhaps Stackhouse could hire him?
Academic studies continue to confirm that HCwDB is a social and cultural phenomenon grounded in genetic bias.
The scariest creature I’ve ever seen begins 1:28 into this YouTube Clip. Warning: Not for the faint of heart. “But I’d rather drink ’em!” = your humble narrator’s sleepless and terrified irrational and primal night sweats.
And, off that creepy-ass commercial, what you’ve been waiting for, and it is quality.
That single pear is plenty for this Friday. Its firm haunches and prime glutes sing the praises of a moral and just universe.
And so should you. For the weekend is upon.
Friday, June 25, 2010Reader Mail: The Miami Choad Machine
(Warning: Minimal Hott Counterbalance to Extreme Dancing Douche)
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Hey DB1 all the way from Sydney.
Long time follower, first time submitter… Here’s a gem/pile of excrement from the WMC 2010 held in Miami every year… he shoots.. he scores at 12seconds… scores what i’m not sure but i was transfixed.. Douche frolicking takes many forms.. all of which are worthy of mock..
Love,
Totes DeBag
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Yikes.
Good catch on the “He Shoots, He Scores” move at :12, T.D. That may be the rankest, foulest ‘bag maneuver I’ve seen in a YouTube clip since the Guido Hair Spike Lesson.
On the flip side, the disinterested ladies wandering through the frame implies the ladies are learning to shun the douche through vag avoidance, which is a great sign. As I have repeatedly argued, it is only when Hot Chick shuns ‘Bag, that we can turn the tide in the war on scrotepud and liberation of the boobies.
