Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ask DB1: More Douchebaguettes

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DB1,

– Merv Griffinbag

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As you wish, M.G.

Normally I prefer to keep the HCwDB formula gender specific, but here’s a pretty good case of a Stage-4 Bleeth. Orange, kissy lips and whatever genetic benefits of boobage, lost to the ways of the scrotefung.

Andrew Ridgeley, however, never should’ve left Wham.

Sophie’s Bad Choice

Two of the worst tragedies in all of human history:

The Holocaust and this.

Sophie's Bad Choice

Two of the worst tragedies in all of human history:

The Holocaust and this.

Tony Bolero: King of Ft. Lauderdale

Tony B. knows how to rock all the granddaughters of the residents of the “Resting Palms” gated community in Margate, Florida, just outside of Ft. Lauderdale.

Yes, even Sunny. Who’s just down from Hibbing, Minnesota, for the weekend. Visiting her beloved Grammy Henderson. Who keeps calling security on Tony Bolero for crashing their jacuzzi/pool area near the mahjong table at the clubhouse.

Sunny doesn’t mind Tony B’s douchey attention. For Sunny knows her perfect marshmallow body of taut curviture and ubersucklethigh causes nearby pelicans to upchuck half-eaten whitefish in regurgatory appreciation for perfect swollen boobage.

Armani Exchange Arnold

Anyone who thinks douchey Armani-Exchange t-shirts and Kissy Lips have been expunged from the HCwDB lexicon of signifiers needs to think again.

As Carley and Lynn learned the hard way.

Guy Too Old To Be At The Party Guy

PIC DELETED

Guy Too Old To Be At The Party Guy sure loves his beer.

And his six pound watch.

And his rapidly receding faux/mullet thing, that neither Rogaine nor Sy Sperling can save from a premature death spiral.

But Guy Too Old To Be At The Party Guy is just gonna hang back and let the kids dance while he chats up Leanna. With questions like:

“Yo, you on Facebook?”

and

“I just got the new Beck CD!”

Not gonna work, GTOTBATPG. Thirty five year old bartenders just don’t carry the cultural cache they once did. No, not even with a tribal tatt.

Four Prong and Company Voted

Last week’s HCwDB of the Week winner, legendary spoker, Four Prong, brought some serious A-List blonde Paid-to-Pose hotties, a quality brunette drink of hott water (who may or may not be K Sister #1), and some douchey middle aged Oldbag riff raff, and voted in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

It’s a Long-Island-Palooza of a weekly. Three very similar cuts of ‘Island hott/choad. The last Weekly before the Monthly, as the summer holidays fast approach.

Bring it, Vuvuzela style:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy

Dave works hard for the weekend.

Tammy likes to tan.

They don’t leave their small town that often.

Because Tammy’s gotta work the Tuesday shift at “The Clam Bake” by the shore, and Dave’s busy bussing tables at the nearby Applebees.

It’s a hard knock life. But they get by.

Except, every so often, when it’s time to party. And Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy get their hottin’ and douchin’ on.

But enough to win the Weekly? That leads us to:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Troy Khan’s Chest Reveal and Angie

Khannnn!!!

Yes, it’s true, Star Trek 2 references will never die. It is the Citizen Kane of the 80s. “Citizen Khan,” if you will. A masterpiece of an innovation of a genius wrapped in an earwig. May it live forever in cinema history.

Troy is just your average chest-shave revealing superpud.

He is to be mocked and derided by Spock and Derrida.

Yup. No idea what I’m saying anymore.

Angie is our second trashy Island humpty-hump, but underneath that curvy objectified exterior, there’s a sweet princess who just longs to be free.

And by princess, I mean large baby bagoombas.

Because I’m sensitive to the literature like that.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Lake Crotch Cactii

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Is Pink, Ruddy and Pumped Up enough to win an HCwDB of the Week? Jed and Barry, aka “Iceman” and “Goose,” sure think so.

This pic has spike, mandana, and, the markings of true HCwDB, Ubiquitous Red Cup. On the right, The Iceman certainly has a strange, creepy inflated ‘tude that is pure “douche aura.” And Michelle is quality lithe gnaw. She certainly brings the coquettish Kelly McGillis in an inverted dive with a MIG polaroid smile to the game.

But can The Crotch Cactii win simply on the basis of secondary information, like Iceman’s homerotic posing with his bros? Or The Iceman Finding Love on a boat?

Just missing the cut, Hurley Luncherson, who was just too happy to be a finalist (and Amzonian Reese Witherspoon just didn’t bring the hott), the tough guy prom hilarity of Omaha Goes Gangsta, the blazing hottness of Natalie’s Eyes, Dr. Jorge Mendoza for writing in with one of the douchiest emails of the year (see you at the 2010 Douches, Dr. Doza), and The Hebro, eliminated for being a pro-bag porn actor.

Them’s your three.

Only one coupling is wrong enough to earn the Monthly. Which is it?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Neither Hip Nor Hop

I just saw a hamster castrate himself with a pocket knife and a protractor.

Your Saturday Vinny

I sorta like Vinny. He’s got three quality gnawable ladies and yet looks relatively benign. But the hair is greasy and the shirt is silkscreeny.

What say you?

Should we hand out a nottadouche on this Saturday?