Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

There’s a million stories in the naked city of Angels and devils.

Crooked cops like Buzz Meeks and Ed Exley are messing with the kids in the Ravine as they move in on Mickey Cohen’s traffic.

Bukowski wannabes hit the strip clubs and write stilted verse on cocktail napkins, while secretly hoping the job waiting tables at El Campadre will come through.

In-n-Out still only serves three items. But all three are delicious.

And your humble narrator sits on his veranda, feeds gnats to the venus flytrap, milks the alpacas, and gazes at the northern lights in wonder and appreciation for the gift of boobies. And of douche mock.

Here’s your links:

Archie Comics pulls out its long running HCwDB subtext and finally goes literal, in a bizarre tribute to The Jersey Shore.

2009 HCwDB Douchie Award winning Oldbag of the year, The Leatherbag, is still out there, still shirtless and creepy. Even on Halloween.

Speaking of gay, shirtless and creepy, The Three Bromingos dancing, drunk at 4am may be the funniest and gayest clip three ostensibly straight Jersey douchebags could make. Warning: No Hott counterbalance. Do not blame me for retinal scarring. Hilarious fistbumps occur at 1:23.

Denis Leary rants about douchebags with wool caps when it’s 90 degrees outside on last Friday’s Tonight Show. Sadly, the clip got taken down, but here’s June 6th’s wool cap wearing The Loft Pud comments thread (see Wedgie’s Brad Pitt reference and THEONETRUEDOUCHE and MC 900 Foot Douchebag on the wool cap when it’s hot out). Coincedence? Perhaps.

Continuing the DB1’s paranoid annoyance with so many comedians riffing in the HCwDB style, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog will hand out the Douchebag of the Year Awards on Sunday on Spike. Look for HCwDB to introduce “Victory, The Insult Comic Alpaca” in a future post.

Note to Hollywood comedian types: HCwDB is not open source. Please try to remember that. If you wanna riff comedic in the HCwDB style, simply give my site credit. That’s all I ask.

Speaking of humor origins, via The Huffington Post, this brilliant sound test clip for Alfred Hitchcock’s “Blackmail,” in 1929 shows that Hitch invented the “that’s what she said” joke. “Stand this way, otherwise it will not come out right… as the girl said to the soldier” for the win.

Real punk is still alive in the form of one of the most legendary and underrated bands of all time, still touring today, The Dead Milkmen.

And, of course, their classic anthem, Punk Rock Girl. If you don’t got Mojo Nixon then your store could use some fixin’ for the win.

Punk has always had humor, political satire and absurdist farce as the defining core of its performative anarchy. Never clothing or hair style. Understanding this concept is what separates the real from the bullshit.

Large Man goes to Club, takes hundreds of pictures with hot chicks, making exactly the same pose, becomes a douche through sheer dedication to craft.

Okay, it’s Friday. I know why you’re here. It’s not for my writing. It’s for Pear. And I’m feeling generous.

First up, the college life you didn’t experience: Peek-a-Pear!

Second, a flashback to 1980s blonde Christie Brinkley no-tatt hottness with Pear Supply.

And, finally, because I care, Posture Pear.

Feel the curves of a life well lived. Enjoy. Repose. And reflect. For the mock is complete for another week, and this is your reward.

Natalie’s Eyes Could Fuse Carbon

Is Guess Jean-Jacket wearing, ear licking, pudwack, Todd, a douche? Perhaps.</p

But I post this pic for Leopard Print Natalie. Her sultry gaze warms the cockles of my hearth like a protonic nuclear electric nadsack Cambodian torture volt.

Natalie doesn’t like to use two syllable words and orders milkshakes for dinner, but I would find that adorable. I would gaze uponst her eyes, and then, later, after she has three wine coolers while listening to Rihanna, I’d awkwardly paw her bosom like a homeless man dumpster diving for pizza crust.

Natalie's Eyes Could Fuse Carbon

Is Guess Jean-Jacket wearing, ear licking, pudwack, Todd, a douche? Perhaps.</p

But I post this pic for Leopard Print Natalie. Her sultry gaze warms the cockles of my hearth like a protonic nuclear electric nadsack Cambodian torture volt.

Natalie doesn’t like to use two syllable words and orders milkshakes for dinner, but I would find that adorable. I would gaze uponst her eyes, and then, later, after she has three wine coolers while listening to Rihanna, I’d awkwardly paw her bosom like a homeless man dumpster diving for pizza crust.

Iceman Finds Love

Pink, ruddy and pumped up Iceman, he of Tuesday’s The Lake Crotch Cactii finds love on a yacht.

Aww. I love a story with a happy ending, lots of ‘roids, and a skin condition.

Friday Haiku

Crazed Party at Dave’s!

Mack on Ralphie’s sisters.

Animal print girls:

Welcome to the monkey house.

Natty Ice in fridge.

— massengill

Front girl is guarding

her purse from the spiky pud

thieving her tampons.

— Bag Margera

Angelo wonders:

If he squeezes hard enough

Make one good person?

— saulgoode42

Like unwanted blast

Vuvuzela to ear drum

Our day is ruined

— Vin Douchal

Drunk choadwank in back

Assumes crucifixion pose

Who will oblige him?

— The Motley Douche

Axe booze and smokes

Eight guidos in stinky heat

Italy in shame

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

High school grad party

Die hards. Too bad lawn darts are

now made from plastic.

— Mr. Scrotato Head

The bros are paired off,

hair not the only “blowouts”

they’re gellin’ tonight.

— WheezerHCwDB

Thanks to DB1,

I count syllables in all

my Friday emails.

— Bagnonymous

Omaha Goes Gangsta

That’s right bitches!!

Don’t mess with the graduating Senior Class of Westerlake High!!

Off the I-92, take exit 23, go two stoplights and take a left at the Dairy Queen, then go past the Walmart and it’s on your right, next to the Sam’s Club.

They gangsta!!!

Happy Belated Bloomsday

June 16th was Bloomsday. I missed it yesterday. But, hells, why not, we’re celebrating it today.

So to honor the great James Joyce and his brilliant novel Ulysses, HCwDB style, we shall mock these douchebags and lust these hotts in an Irish brogue:

That’s no bag o’ shwag, me ladies!

Not spinning the top o’ schnozzlewoppers with them two skallywag topper thicko shitemonkeys!

That was for you, Mr. Joyce.

Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy

Ronkonkoma Dave and Tangerine Tammy don’t get to leave upstate New York for the big city very often, what with the restraining orders and all.

But when they do, they party sideways peace all up in this bitch.

Maria Who Got Fondled at Coney Island Thanks Us

Maria Who Got Fondled at Coney Island a few weeks ago on the site writes in to thank us:

—-

Hi,

(i have enclosed a photo, proving its me)

—————–

Just doing our part for the larger civic discourse, Maria, glad to be of service in helping your maturation process occur through the art of the mock.

Now go kick ten douches in the nads while singing “Ave Maria” as your penance.

EDIT: Maria responds with more info (and more hottie pics) in the comments thread.

Hurley Luncherson

Hurley’s just so happy to have Amazonian Reese Witherspoon second tier Pear in his presence, I almost don’t want to mock the guy.

Then I realize Hat Tilt + Tribal Garish Tatt = mocktime, “happy to be there” or not.