Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Breaking: Two People You’ve Never Heard of Broke Up

Because we here at HCwDB like to stay current with the always insightful pop culture blogs, some people you’ve never heard of broke up.

You know these two.

They once acted in something or other.

Or maybe they’re singers.

Or they were on that show about the thing with the thing.

And then they did that thing. With the thing. And it was entertaining. Or maybe it was ironic. But either way, it happened.

And then it was written about in In-Style Magazine in 2005. Or 2006.

I’m not really sure.

But then they dated that other person from that thing who was also famous for being in that event. And that’s why they’re famous.

And that’s why you should care that they broke up.

Breaking: Two People You've Never Heard of Broke Up

Because we here at HCwDB like to stay current with the always insightful pop culture blogs, some people you’ve never heard of broke up.

You know these two.

They once acted in something or other.

Or maybe they’re singers.

Or they were on that show about the thing with the thing.

And then they did that thing. With the thing. And it was entertaining. Or maybe it was ironic. But either way, it happened.

And then it was written about in In-Style Magazine in 2005. Or 2006.

I’m not really sure.

But then they dated that other person from that thing who was also famous for being in that event. And that’s why they’re famous.

And that’s why you should care that they broke up.

Ask DB1: Is Christiano Ronaldo a Douche?

JohnDouchePassos writes in:

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DB1,

— JohnDouchePassos

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Talented soccer player or not, Ronaldo is pure 100% Eurocrust.

Computer says yes.

The Lake Crotch Cactii Approve

Jed and Barry, otherwise known as “The Lake Crotch Cactii,” have brought their latest Burning Man Hottie pickups, Julie and Michelle, by to say they approve of Four Prong and the K Sisters winning the Weekly.

You know what would confirm uberdoucheyness for The Lake Crotch Cactii?

If they ditched any pretense of interest in the ladies, got their bros together, and went around wearing “Maverick,” “Goose” and “Iceman” Top Gun t-shirts.

No. Even they couldn’t possibly do that.

That’s too douchey to be accounted for.

D’oh.

HCwDB of the Week: Four Prong and the K Sisters

Some say 4 Prong is gender ambiguous. Others argue that there are five prongs. Still others note that Einstein’s theory of relativity was incompatible with particle/wave duality. But that’s not relevant right now.

The voters voted, and it was a solid win/loss of prongnostication. Seconded by Four Prong Plays Pool with Sophie. The voters speak:

Euripidouche: four prong, for bleaching the hair he intended to later spike, this is an evolved two step douche plan to look that phenomenally stupid.

THEONETRUEDOUCHE: four prong- he has the same black tie and solid shirt signature look- if you work that hard to plan out your doucherobe then he is the weakly

Cheesesock: I gotta go with Four Prong on this one. Two quality, bra-revealing hotts and an uberscrotewank with (yet again!) E-blo’s jizm hair styling gel is the absolute embodiment of the dialectic of hottie/douche co-mingling.

tall guy: Four prong for the win. I mean, fair’s fair: four prongs + blonde tips + those ridiculous fake jewel encrusted sunglasses. Add the untied tie and I think I need counseling. Besides, he’s as close as he realistically should ever be to top shelf rack and all he does is pull a daft face. What a cockneck!

Hot Buttered Poopcorn: Four Prong has 2 hotts and has crowned himself prince of the douches with that stupid tiara-do.

massengill: I gotta give it to the Pronger. I loved the Ninja Turtles, too, but you don’t see me coifing an ode to The Shredder on top of my head. No. You don’t.

armydouche: gotta be four prong. his commitment to the hair is easily 4 times that of anything UFT guy does and in my humble oppinion out douches the hair of frong. i my be splitting hairs on that one… more time goes in to that hair than the average human spends eating and deficating in a week. Prong can also pull some tastey hott and therefore gets my vote.

One for the Choad: Four Prong by a country mile. The most punchable piece of poo this site has seen in many a moon. And I’d give a year’s salary to unsnap Kassandra’s lacy red bra and gaze upon the beauty that is her perfect breasts.

Musicman: I’m voting for Prong…he looks like the annoying douche who would like to tell you he has more money than you… Plus, I vote just to see more Kimmy and Kassandra…you gotta love Kassandra’s smile…I went from 6 o’clock to 12 o’clock so fast!

SloppyJoe: I would mount Four Prong’s head on my make-shift spear to hunt for saltwater fish in hopes of one last meal to keep me alive long enough for the K Sisters to rescue me in a raft made entirely from their used brasseires.

Accurate, deadly and prongy eviceration, well argued, team. The ambiguity of gender is confounded by miscounted prong power. And Kimmy’s shoulder requires my suckle. More appreciation for Kimmy and Kassandra is needed. Coming in second, Unfin…:

Tudacious: UTG with his waterproof zirconian encrusted watch, his hat ” that i’m sure if you switch some letters around” will say Asshat. He turns his hat around so nothing is covering his eyes and then wears no sunglasses WTF! I bet he forgets to hold his breath when he goes underwater.

Southern Scrotic: I’ll have to go with Unfinished Tatt Guy paired with Unfinished Boobjob Girl. Their matching knotted strings make them the couple of the week.

Claude Douchenburg: I said it before and I will say it again, I didn’t go to enough underwear parties in my day.

Deltus: Don’t be fooled by his not mugging for the camera. UTG’s got a dumb hat, a half-of-his-body tribal tatt underway, six pound watch, and oh sweet baby Jesus, he has nipple rings that I just noticed! UGH! Sandy brings the AGA (love that one, boss), and A-Game Ass (hmm, AGA squared?), and a face that makes the angels sing for it’s sweetness. She looks fresh and unblemished, and his poo is going to infect her, and that makes my inner child weep.

End the Haberdouchery: I want to follow him around every second of everyday, blowing a vuvuzela until he blows his brains out with a shotgun.

Douches Wild: He is simian, dimly aware of others, redolent of assumed entitlement with a high slappability quotient. Sandy’s modest boobage insures that she will go that extra mile to make sure his prostate does multiple back flips, like a precocious chihuahua.

Well argu. And coming in third, with solid support, The ginormous Faux and Boobies of Frong:

Bag Margera: I vote for Frong. Besides the hair, he has what is known as the douche-aura. The look on his face leads you to believe he is very proud of himself and his life choices. He expects us all to be impressed with his hair and his and his half-way hott. They look related to each other, and no, I am not impressed. Not. One. Bit.

Bob the Bag Hunter: Frong is the winner. Anyone guy that puts that much work into their hair is douche. Plus, those fun bags next to him look damn good. Frong is the WINNER.

Wedgie: I’m going with Frong because my kids like yugioh cards.

Frong represented, but this was the ambiguous gender and uncountable prongs, plus double bra hott K Sister time to shine. Lets let Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky take us all the way home:

My humble vote goes to Four Prong. Not only for the ridiculous hairstyle that has surely never been and never will be “rad”, but because the K sisters are a unbelievable potent double barrel hotgun of fwap-ability. Even with that stupid Spider-man tatoo. I’d let her shoot my web. I’m not sure what that’s even supposed to mean. Seriously… that hair is douche-tastic. And the sunglasses? Please, someone put him out of my misery.

The Prongster earns the next slot in the HCwDB of the Month. Good work to all who voted, and your humble narrator for a Honey Bunch of Oat.

Dr. Jorge Mendoza Wants to Be Famous For Being a Douche

Dѓ. Jorge Mendoza writes in with an appeal for me to cast him on Season #3 of Is She Really Going Out With Him?:

————-

Make me Famous!

Trust me, they’ll give u that “look” with their eyes.

————-

It’s like a glimpse into the mind of an autistic savant. Only instead of math expertise, he smells like Axe Bodyspray and week old pizza.

Hoverbag Tim

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times.

If you interrupt a moment of spontaneous sapphos breaking out in front of a camera by either grinning, gesturing or “woo”ing, you are an autodouche.

There are no exceptions.

It doesn’t matter what else you’ve done in your life. You could volunteer for Greenpeace, the United Way, give blood every six weeks and clean oil off pelicans on weekends, you are still an autodouche.

No one cares about you, Tim, or your chin fung. Get out of the picture.

Hot Chicks with Florida Governor Charlie Crist

The stimulus package is working!

Although probably not on Governor Crist.

Reader Mail: The Goth Douche

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DB1,

– F.W.S.

—–

While I agree with you that Gothbaggery has taken a turn into the realm of the purely emulative, rather than authentic, in a bid for hott conquest, be careful not to slip into “back in the day”-isms.

Pretentious douchewanks have always been polluting movements by emulating them, and today’s Gothbag is nothing new.

That being said, enough with the guyliner, Gothwanks. It looked stupid in the 80s and it looks stupid now. Only 80s-era Morrissey may or may not get a performative nottadouche for this sort of thing, and even he’s a whiny emo beyoch.

EDIT: Swapped out the pic for a more accurate Gothbag.

Pre-Med Students Who Should Know Better

Jen, Kara and Michelle are bored by the antics, Thom and Sean.

Now put down the Ed Hardy and bling, and get back to that stupid Smirnoff game that everyone already hates.