Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ask DB1: More Nottadouches?

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Hey DB1,

-Musicman

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While I do receive the occasional nottadouche with hot chick, and as hopeful as it can be, posting such false hope on HCwDB may imply the Grieco Virus plague is receding. And while our best efforts are slowing the tide and turning the ‘Bag into an object of ridicule, the mutations continue.

Therefore it is the douche/hott coupling that we must continue highlight and mock if we are to have any hope of social redress.

But for you, I’ll give you one. “Happy Kevin Finds Ass Pear.” Complete with Rareass Yellow Cup. Good for Kevin.

Friday Thoughts and Links

If there’s one thing Ted knows, it’s that, whether you have abs or not, no time is the wrong time for ab reveal.

Your humble narrator finds himself once again in New York, staring at the quality urbane Cityhotts in minidresses. This follows the classic formula that works like so:

Winter Climate City + Dense Urban Population + Global Warming + late July + Excessive Humidity = Ubersexy Minidress Boobie and Leg Reveal.

And betwixt their swishy thighs as they walk to the subway lies an endless hope of dreamland opportunity and alternate lives well lived in service of the imagination of possibility and dreamscape humpty hump.

Here’s your links:

Lets take a moment and welcome the latest sponsor of HCwDB, Sportsbook Review. Any of you online gamers who read the site, check it out. Remember, frequenting HCwDB’s sponsors helps keep the site going.

If corporations can be people according to the Supreme Court, then cars can be douchebags according to HCwDB.

Rick Pitinobag. Because raping the Celtics in the 1990s wasn’t enough satisfaction.

Epic Duckface.

Katy Perry and Russell Brand continue their push for a 2010 Celebrity HCwDB of the Year Douchie Award.

Pro hockey player Paul Bissonnette of the Phoenix Coyotes lets out his inner Vegas ‘Bag.

From way back in 2006, Howard Stern and Spike created a montage of one of the tastiest Ass Pears to ever fall off the Pear Tree.

Douchebaguette Cam.

President Obama: What is a ‘Snooki’?. As much good as I feel that I’ve done fighting the douchebag plague here at HCwDB, I face a lifetime of penance for giving the world Snooki.

Even the Legos are turning into douchebags.

Okay, that’s enough links for a Friday. You know what time it is. It’s time for Pear:

Porch Pear.

Enjoy. Gnaw. And in the immortal words of both Kool, but not his Gang: Yaah Heeww. Or was that the Gang, and not Kool? It’s Friday. Be sure to sow your wild Oates.

Brodie Says “Thanks for the Support Guise”

Workout enthusiast, master thespian, duck hunter and all around cunning linguist, Brodie, updates his Facebook account:

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pretty pleased with what i achieved, used to be a chubby lil f#cka now i like to think i’m doin alright. let me know what you think, drop me a pm if you wanna know what routine i’m on.

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I saw Get Ripped Help open for Bad Brains in 1989 and they were awesome.

Brodie Says "Thanks for the Support Guise"

Workout enthusiast, master thespian, duck hunter and all around cunning linguist, Brodie, updates his Facebook account:

—–

pretty pleased with what i achieved, used to be a chubby lil f#cka now i like to think i’m doin alright. let me know what you think, drop me a pm if you wanna know what routine i’m on.

—–

I saw Get Ripped Help open for Bad Brains in 1989 and they were awesome.

Mandana Morrie

Here’s a classic case of a late stage-1 or early stage-2 ‘bag. Don’t get me wrong, Morrie’s a pudz, to be sure. Wearing the adouchetributes because he thinks it’ll help him get some quality pear, but his heart just isn’t into it.

Shave the chin pubes, take off the Mandana, lose the bling, and go back to trying (and failing) to get a summer job at Carl’s Jr, Morrie, and all will be forgiven.

As to Vanessa, her heaving bosoms and pale lickable Cleavite reveal require a deep and cleansing Windex scrub using only the softest of imported Tuscan toilet paper.

Friday Haiku

Wonderbread lake turds,

No hott, so here’s pear.

Douches forgot their

SPF. God smites them with

nuclear sun rays.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Call Carl Spackler

to get three pieces of poo

out of Bushwood Lake

— dknutty

Overcome by fumes

Burnt by the tanning bed sun

Twin choads flank MILF Hott

— SonnyChibaChoad

Oil slick rises up

Takes a semi-human form

and poses for pic.

— Hot Buttered Poopcorn

Microscope view shows

paramecium party;

single brain cell ‘bags.

— Wheezer

Fart squealching grimace

Proud choads pose with their mom

Won chili contest

— Vin Douchal

Tony’s blue blockers

Can’t stop Tina’s fake knockers

All three are Fokkers

— saulgoode42

Lake trip mem’ries fade

But some things last forever

Like melanoma

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Speedo Mike = Autodouche

I don’t care if you’ve committed no other culture crimes whatsoever.

No Groin Shave Reveal, no bizarre facial fung, no orange tan, no spikey faux, no Axe bodyspray, no tribal tatts, no hand gestures, no popped collar and no excessive bling.

If you wear a speedo, you are autodouche.

No exemptions.

No one wants to see your bits, Mike. I realize you’re a salesman at Best Buy in Reno, and this is your one weekend to let loose, but no excuses. You are ‘Bag.

Carrie and Corrie, I realize both of you need to eat a cheeseburger. But I will forgive you your lack of caloric intake by massaging your ankles with melted garlic and a touch of ginger. Because I care.

Ask DB1: The Plight of the Tattoo Artist

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DB1,

Dex

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Tattoos are not inherently autodouche, but they are an early warning signifier, a “Here There May Be Douche” signpost on the body. Some tatts, however, are tasteful and artistic, and if not displayed obnoxiously, are not automatically ‘bag.

Excessively bad tattoos, however, of meaningless “cool” insignias (tribal tatts, skulls, etc) are a stage-3 uberscrote.

The key is not in the tattoos, but in their display in service of larger douchebaggery.

Biff The Bouncer ‘Bag

We haven’t featured some quality meaty meat bouncer douches on the site in awhile, so here’s Biff, working to pay off his parole one night shift at “Club Pure” at a time.

Even with 1970s porn star chin pube and tribal tatt, I kinda like Biff’s self awareness, so I’m going stage-2. Douchey, but redeemable.

Mmmm… Courtney and Michelle. Middle age ladies should burn and rage at closing of the rope. So do not go gentle into that good VIP section. Rage, rage, against the fading of the tight.

Biff The Bouncer 'Bag

We haven’t featured some quality meaty meat bouncer douches on the site in awhile, so here’s Biff, working to pay off his parole one night shift at “Club Pure” at a time.

Even with 1970s porn star chin pube and tribal tatt, I kinda like Biff’s self awareness, so I’m going stage-2. Douchey, but redeemable.

Mmmm… Courtney and Michelle. Middle age ladies should burn and rage at closing of the rope. So do not go gentle into that good VIP section. Rage, rage, against the fading of the tight.