Thursday, July 8, 2010

    Reader Mail: Meeting Four Prong's Kimmy K

    —-

    DB1:

    I got dragged to a “club” in a Seattle suburb last week, and who should happen to catch me in her smoldering gaze but Four Prong’s Kimmy K. (of Four Prong and the K Sisters).

    Fortunately, there was no sign of the Pronger, but I found a snapshot of her with a BrothaBag just to abide the rules of the site. (evidence in photo 2) At first I was unsure of ‘Bag status, until I saw the tone-on-tone arm fung and dearth of brain function stare.

    Kimmy’s the real deal, albeit paid-to-pose. Not sure if she’s aware of her Internet lore, but I wasn’t letting on. Although I’m certain she’s aware of my affections — the intermittent pitching of woo mixed with subtle weeping should have her avoiding my texts…

    Fighting the good fight in the PNW.

    – The Yellow Dart

    —-

    Always enjoyable to hear from a fellow ‘bag hunter finding a real world H.C., although Brothabag Gabe here earns a clear and unequivocal nottadouche. That dude is stone cold badass. He would make me his prison bitch.

    Kimmy is all sorts of P.T.P. sultry. And for that, I open my wallet and my heart to her “going through the motions” charm.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, July 8, 2010

    Your Thursday Douche Carrying a Drunk Hot Chick with Taut, Squeezable Legs

    But on the plus side, Rite-Aid’s window displays get more and more impressive every year.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, July 7, 2010

    My Roommate the Douchebag

    Sometimes a brotha can’t get no relief.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, July 7, 2010

    Ask DB1: Baby Tagging?

    ——

    DB1,

    I just had a baby boy born six months ago (I’m a daddy!).

    But now I’m terrified he’s going to grow up to be some hip-hop wigga wannabe suburban douchebag.

    If there are early warning signs, how can I spot them?

    — Barnstable Colin

    —–

    Look for the clues, B.C., and they will be easy to spot. Ed Hardy pacifiers. Gangsta hand gestures during diaper changings. Mixing Grey Goose with his Gerber and milk.

    If your baby is ‘bag, you must wait for the toddler years to take any action. Rudimentary language skills are a must for treatment to begin.

    Once your child has a basic grasp of English, you must immediately commence with sarcastic mocking and ridicule until he cries himself to sleep in existential angst.

    Once you’ve broken his child spirit, creating lasting scars and resentment, you’ve completed the first step. Now you must build him back up by buying him as much British comedy on DVD as you can until he recovers.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, July 7, 2010

    We Are the Sum of the Choices We Make

    A friend of mine once said this to me while we were in college.

    We were at a party, witnessing the spectacle of a drunk hottie we both desired to gnaw upon, who stumbled into some bushes. Fell down. And then peed herself.

    “We are the sum of the choices we make.”

    When the early Christian gnostics began repackaging Judaism for the masses, they understood this simple concept. That the Hebraic ambiguity of a God of indeterminacy could never pack ’em in like the Bruckheimer spectacle of epic battle between good and evil.

    Sin and redemption.

    Boobies and pink speedos.

    Dragon tatts and spikey hair in a club that resembles a red satin insane asylum.

    We are the sum of the choices we make.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, July 7, 2010

    Boris

    Challo.

    I am Boris.

    I like, how you say, the boobies?

    Thank you.

    Have a nice day.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, July 7, 2010

    A Giant Steaming Dump

    And Lo! Upon Sinai, the heavens parted, and a light shone down, and the Lord your G-d Adonai, thundered, “Well this is some serious shite.”

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, July 6, 2010

    Mosi Tattattpoo

    Your lazy and hung over author is back in the city of Angels and scratching himself with a mini-lufa.

    But the good news is all pics have been fixed, and the comments threads should be working fine.

    So in honor of Mosi’s tattbelly and Lithe Asian Hottsicle, Jenna Kim, as well as the Hohan going to jail, here’s one line of iambic pentameter:

    I went on a vaca and now I’m drunk.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, July 6, 2010

    The Muggy Bear ‘Bag

    Pointy tip, Douche Shirt and Zombie Stare tell us the truth about Muggy Bear’s philosophical outlook:

    High School is for suckas.

    The Margarita Sisters squeeze my limes and salt my mojitos with a dash of paprika. And for that, I honor their ancestors by stealing their socks from the hamper while they’re at church. And by church, I mean appearing nightly at the “Classy Lady” off Interstate 64, between the Kinkos and around the corner from Bob’s Country Bunker.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, July 6, 2010

    The Muggy Bear 'Bag

    Pointy tip, Douche Shirt and Zombie Stare tell us the truth about Muggy Bear’s philosophical outlook:

    High School is for suckas.

    The Margarita Sisters squeeze my limes and salt my mojitos with a dash of paprika. And for that, I honor their ancestors by stealing their socks from the hamper while they’re at church. And by church, I mean appearing nightly at the “Classy Lady” off Interstate 64, between the Kinkos and around the corner from Bob’s Country Bunker.

    # posted by douchebag1
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