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Saturday, July 3, 2010
Gino the Ginny Hits Jones Beach
Gino’s been around for awhile, and is trying to cash in on the “ironic” douchebaggery in the wake of The Jersey Shore, but this is still kinda amusing, with quality editing genius, on this weekend holiday with so many ‘bags at the beach.
Friday, July 2, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
As we wind down the vacation week of July 4th here in the United States, your humble narrator heads for the beautiful rolling hills of rural New Hampshire. Which is newer than Old Hampshire. But not as new as New New Hampshire.
I’ll mostly be drinking, carving figures from birch wood, hiking the Appalachan trail of my mind and percolating on my inner glow.
I plan to meditate on gender normativity. Contemplate the perfection of boobal primacy. And eat a crapload of Twinkies.
Here’s your links:
The greatest invention of the 21st Century, by far: Poo Trap.
A “Duckface” montage for those who like mocking Bleeths.
HCwDB non-legend, Kettlehead, posts the classic iPhone Douchebag Self Portrait on his MySpace page.
My nomination for most underrated great comedy of the 1990s: Bill Murray’s brilliant “Quick Change”. “It’s bad luck just seeing a thing like that.”
More Quick Change genius: Whed-har-to?
Via Failblog, HCwDB legend Poo has a long lost twin sister, Princess Pooia. She was hidden so the Empire wouldn’t know of her affront to 19th Century minstrel shows.
And from a Star Wars reference, we come to the real crux of the situation. And it is this:
Perfect, suckleable mounts of glutteous pristineous. Cabana Pear is not actually in a cabana. Or is it?
Mull this quantum question of the metaphysical, and rejoice. For the holiday weekend is here. And your humble narrator is drunk and lost in the rural.
Friday, July 2, 2010The Tang and Soshanna Run With The Goose
Do I smell an HCwDB of the Week finalist in this unholy pairing between sweet college student and Tang Douche? Yes. Yes I do.
Oh wait. That’s just my socks.
Stupid laundry detergent. That most certainly does not smell like a summer breeze.
Well. Maybe a summer breeze in Cleveland.
Friday, July 2, 2010Friday Limerick
Your humble narrator is traveling this Friday morning, headed up to New Hampshire for the weekend, so won’t be able to update the Haiku Mainpage.
So instead, here’s a Friday Limerick:
Big Bob was a pro tattoo inker,
With ladies boobs he did love to quite tinker,
But Tammy thought twice,
Before taking Bob’s advice,
And extensively playing with his sphincter.
Thursday, July 1, 2010Ask DB1: Temptation of the Douche Side
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Hey DB1,
I greatly admire all your work in mocking douchebags. But I have to wonder if the constant exposure to toxic scrote ever starts to wear down your soul.
Have you ever had a moment when you thought to yourself, “Screw it! I’d get a lot more pussy if I spiked my hair, got a tribal tat, soaked myself in Axe bodyspray and behaved like a misogynistic prick towards all the ladies. I’m gonna get my douche on, Stackhouse style!”
Wes
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An important question, Wes, and one worth keeping in mind as we move forward. We all struggle with what I describe as The ‘Bag Within. This struggle is endless and ongoing.
The temptation to act the ‘Bag to score the Hott is what society dictates so that we spend significant cultural and economic capital on the brand-name cartels that infultrate our constructions of identity.
The struggle is ongoing. But the purging of the mind of the shackles of name-brand overwhelm is what leads to enlightenment. And the conquest of boobies through purity of the soul, and not sins of the pocketbook.
Thursday, July 1, 2010Ricardo’s Shirt Unbuttons to “11”
For when you need that extra “Oomph” when hittin’ on the Calgary Canada doe-eyed hotties. Sometimes you just gotta take the unbuttoning to “11.”
Ricardo’s not there yet. But you’ll know it when he is.
Scarlett’s sultry stare, mixture of annoyance and sexiness that it is, causes my gonads to enflame and inspires a desire to compose an orchestral score and build a skyscraper in the hopes she’ll disdainfully ignore me at the subsequent cocktail party fête thrown at Lincoln Center in my honor.
Scarlett should be given an award for a gaze like that. It is the personification of the distinction between the sexes that renders gender roles essentialized.
Thursday, July 1, 2010Ricardo's Shirt Unbuttons to "11"
For when you need that extra “Oomph” when hittin’ on the Calgary Canada doe-eyed hotties. Sometimes you just gotta take the unbuttoning to “11.”
Ricardo’s not there yet. But you’ll know it when he is.
Scarlett’s sultry stare, mixture of annoyance and sexiness that it is, causes my gonads to enflame and inspires a desire to compose an orchestral score and build a skyscraper in the hopes she’ll disdainfully ignore me at the subsequent cocktail party fête thrown at Lincoln Center in my honor.
Scarlett should be given an award for a gaze like that. It is the personification of the distinction between the sexes that renders gender roles essentialized.
Thursday, July 1, 2010Reader Mail: The King Meets His People
Douche Ellington meets ‘bag royalty:
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DB1,
While this won’t make the site (alas, no pictures of Hotts), I did have a celebridouche sighting this weekend.
Yesterday, at a hot chick and douchebag-packed pool party at the Roosevelt hotel I ran into King Douchous the IV, who happened to know some of the people in my party. Which of course had me questioning my choice of friends. The moment was kind of surreal. Much like that of a celebrity sighting, but with a lot more grease.
I didn’t get a chance for a picture, because my only camera – my phone – was locked firmly up in my backpack to prevent the touch screen from being tainted by the overabundance of grease in the general vicinity.
– Douche Ellington
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What is most important, D.E., is that you mocked heartily and with linguistic dexterity from a safe distance, and then hit on the hotts when he went to the john to grease up again.
That is the key to a life well lived.
That, and HoHos.
Thursday, July 1, 2010The Tang
After weeks of pestering her in Bio II, The Tang finally won over Shoshanna Hottowitz by promising that the frat party would be “off the foshneezling.”
Shoshanna didn’t know what “foshneezling” meant. It couldn’t be Yiddish. The Tang barely spoke English as it was.
But Shoshanna was tired of dating Sheldon Epstein. And The Tang had a really bitchin’ Camaro.
