Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week

Three enter. Three grated cheeses of masculinity in crisis with boobie lovin drizzle drip. Only one cohabit may rise like the ladies who lunch. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Starhawk and Maggie

The Starhawk is all that is poo in Peoria.

Maggie is all that is curvy hard work in a tough economy for hotties.

But together, are they simple club posing fraud crapatula? Or does the Starhawkian douche overwhelm and Maggie’s quality curves combine enough to win the Weekly and make the Monthly?

And lets not forget the formal Starhawk Puts On a Tie, as he attempts to charm the curvy and delightful Quartasian Anne.

Has your humble narrator been overusing the use of “Star” in our naming conventions?

Perhaps.

But ne’re has it been more accurate, either.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Starry Blight and Hello Kat, aka The King of Sears

Hello Kat is both extremely bagongle curvy as well as the dreaded Stage-4 Bleeth, which means a female douchebaguette incapable of redemption thanks to too many hours in the Vegas Scrotelight.

The Starry Blight, aka The King of Sears (dubbed by mr.reeve), is all that is asskickworthy about Pompano. And lets not forget to factor in the Constellation of Poo.

The Blight and Kat make our second potential “Paid to HCwDB” exhibitionism. Which, don’t get me wrong, still completely qualifies for site mocking as true HCwDB. But whether actual shtupping is going on is possibly less likely, and therefore less toxic as a visual cohabitation.

Still, the Star Blight, like the Starhawk before him, lights the way to toilet flush.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The ‘Baggle Axe and the Marissa Sisters

The ‘Baggle Axe makes the Weekly on account of innovation, douche style points, and the toxic and dreaded Groin Shave Reveal.

The Marissa Sisters, a bit unfairly maligned the first time they appeared, are exactly the level of real world purity hottness that deserves to be protected from scrotepoo like Mr. ‘Baggle.

Combined, however, are they enough to defeat the clusters of Starcrust in our first two finalists?

That remains to be seen.

(Dis)honorable mention to Miami Bleach, Gunter and Sven’s Alien, Meow Tse Dung, and the crypto gaybaggery of Prince Warren Assholian. And Elizabeth from Larry the Claims Processor Holds on to 45 As Long as he Can will be up for the Hall of Hott later this week, but Larry just wasn’t douchey enough to make the finals.

So them’s your three.

Three couples enter. Only one may float like a turdfly and shwing like a pee.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

The Spastic Colon

Someone needs to eat more bran.

Your Saturday Pear Billboard

This Pear Statement is brought to you by Geico Auto Insurance:

Geico.

Our ad budget could buy Uganda.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Today’s Friday Thoughts and Links pic comes to us all the way from New Zealand, reminding us that while douches are the same the world over, the Kiwi Hotts are delectable middle earth sunflowers.

Your humble narrator is hard at work as Season #3 of Is She Really Going Out With Him? gears up for production, and also on developing two new shows which will bring the HCwDB aesthetics of comedy to new places. And by places, I mean boobies.

Times is good. And HoHos are chocolatey.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB’s own Mr. Biggs has created an amazing new comic book which he’ll be promoting at ComicCon this weekend, Inferno 2010. Douchebag mocking will be well repesented, so kick your fellow ‘bag hunter some cash to help make his art project happen.

Corey Feldman. Still out there. All alone now.

I’ll take Things You Can’t Unsee for $500, Alex.

Eagle-eyed reader Robin discovers the important historical origins of the Douchebag Yankee Cap Tilt.

Ass if.

Douchebags on Facebook make the news.

Bros.

From the United Kingdom comes some “celebrity” I’ve never heard of who keeps getting sent to me as an example of a stage 4 Douchebaguette. Her name is Jordan Marsh or something. I’m pretty sure my mom bought a couch from her in Boston in 1983.

Hedonist Rick is into “The Rippin’ and the Tearin’.” (With eye gouging dance moves)

But you are not here for Hedonist Rick’s hyphy dance moves. You are here to celebrate your week of successful douchemock with Pear.

First up: Ass Pear: The Movie.

And if that don’t get ya goin’, I offer thee:

Double Pear.

For those hot summer days when one pear simply will not do.

Ryan Tags an Orange Inflat-a-Bag and Suburban Attitude Hott

Reader Ryan goes the extra yard for an HCwDB tag:

————–

DB1,

— Ryan

————–

Risking personal injury in service of a ‘bag tag is never encouraged but always appreciated, good work, Ryan. And bonus points for asking a ‘bag about the ants fung. However, I think they may be bark beetles.

Larry The Claims Processor Holds On to 45 As Long As He Can

Who says stupid shoulder tatts, body shaving, chin pubes and douching it up in Vegas are just for the youth?

Elizabeth’s Quartasian body hottness cries out to rubbed with lemon tartar sauce and topped with a sprig of celery garnish dipped in salt water to honor her ancestors.

Friday Haiku

Thursday’s Starry Blight,

A Red Dwarf of taint.

Professor Neckbeads

Will not be deterred, no no

Will bang somebody

— saulgoode42

Somewhere in Japan

The original Hello

Kitty prays for death.

— Mr. White

On the count of three

Everyone give me their best

Anal rape grimace.

— Crucial Head

Standard template for

greased beaded double Big Mac

McDonalds sandwich.

— Bag Margera

If this is indeed

An Encore as cups suggest,

Glad I missed the show

— the douche is alright

Air is thick with haze

from bodyspray and B.O.

Do I smell tuna?

— Bagnonymous

Poolside in Vegas

Five friends live large. They’d better.

Break’s over in ten.

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Starry Blight

Uhm… yeah.

On the bright side, the chance of a meteor destroying all life on earth as we know it is .0004%.

So we got that going for us. Which is nice.

Sherman’s Starch

I’d almost be inclined to give Sherman a nottadouche if it wasn’t for the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation shirt and receding platinum faux.

We’ll go with a stage-2 tag. Annoying, but not yet lost to the ways of the scrote.

Rachel is working it nicely, and her shoulders deserve to be lick-polished like a bronze bedpost by a Bristlenose Plecostamus.

Sherman's Starch

I’d almost be inclined to give Sherman a nottadouche if it wasn’t for the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation shirt and receding platinum faux.

We’ll go with a stage-2 tag. Annoying, but not yet lost to the ways of the scrote.

Rachel is working it nicely, and her shoulders deserve to be lick-polished like a bronze bedpost by a Bristlenose Plecostamus.