Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Ed Cardy

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dear DB1,

-douche bagel

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Good catch, Mr. Bagel, and yes, the spread of the Hardy Virus must be monitored at all times. And by monitored, I mean mocked from a safe distance while wearing your seatbelt and listening to The Dead Milkmen on Sirius.

Prince Crotchpeein

It may be impossible once I’ve posted this pic, but avoiding looking at the pee stained douche crotch is probably a wise decision to avoid future therapy bills.

Dammit, now I made you look.

I’m sorry. That was mean.

Will a serving of Refrigerpeartor make up for it?

Jebus, Mary and Broseph

“And Jebus said unto Mary and Broseph, “Hark! Go forth to Miami Beachlehem. And spray Axe Bodyspray uponst your head and shoulders three times. For it is easier for a cameltoe to pass through the eye of Don Cheadle than for a douchebag to get into Club Heaven.” — Corinthians Leather, 24:7

Markie Goes Higher

In the age of mass media cacaphonic overwhelm, what must a Vegas Club Douche do to stand out from the other choadwanks?

Go higher.

Tri-Skull Vic Loses Interest in Maria

Yesterday’s Tri-Skull Vic, he of cap tilt and too tight t-shirt, was last seen rubbing up on the fantastically curvy and alluringly olive Maria (far left).

Now, Vic’s found a Mocha Hott and a Vanilla Cupcake to complete his three flavor fro-yo club dish.

Too bad Vic’s not interested.

For his bro, Val, is across the club. Whaddup, Val??!

Four Prong Is Unimpressed

While Four Prong may have lost our last HCwDB of the Month to The Sharkbag and Renee, The Prong’s ability to pull A-List Hotts remains impressive.

Take that, Canadian Mountinis. Lets see how you do in the Monthly.

HCwDB of the Week: The Mountinis and Kimberly

Canada, thy shame is deep. Between this mugging of sweet Kimberly, and then Fred and Jed Mountini going for Appletinis, this swirl of HCwDB toxicity brings deep condemnation to the entire nation(s) of The Great White North. And just barely edged out The Tang and Shoshanna, and The Frogger/Lily combos.

The voters speak:

Et Tu Douche?: The Mountinis & Kimberly FTW. Kimberly is Hott in the non-slutty way with her curvaicious legs & bum I bet she’s very enthusiastic in the art of guilt free fornicating which, Canadian girls like their European sisters, take very serious and more importantly enjoy on a regular basis. The Mountinis encapsulate all that is D-Baggery and earn the win with classic/clowny DB signifiers, narcissistic attitudes and lack of individuality. These clowns are what this forum was founded on. They deservedly are worthy of our mock and out votes for we must adhere to the founding principles put forth by the founder of this forum.

opie sardonicus: Mountinis and Kimberlee ftw. Pure mathematics makes this easy. No way any one mortal douche can hold up against a menage a Trois Rivieres. The pure gang-banginess trumps whatever the other ‘bags bring. And as a Canadian, I am ashamed.

Horace Dangleballs: White belts with jeans. Virtual reality sungoggles. Shaved chests. Belt buckles the size of hubcaps. Steroid-induced muscles that would prohibit them from slapping a mosquito that landed on top of their heads. “Look at me!” tattoos. Whatever little purses / bags two of the three seem to be sporting. And that completely leaves out one of them drinking what appears to be a COSMOPOLITAN in the second photo. Congratulations, latent homos. It appears the ‘roids have finally shrunken your testicles to the point you are now women… to the shame and horror of women everywhere.

Lord McBaggin: Mountinis For Sure. That is one trio of society’s demise. they should all be impaled rectally on a very long pike witch is planted in the ground, and left as a totem in the great white north. so that future civilizations may heed the warning of the douchtitude.

Douchè: Shoshanna poses with everyone (I’m convinced that other guy is not the same), rendering the Tang no threat to anyone. Froggy was very close, but the second picture (sharing fruity beverages) definitely puts the Mountinis over the top.

saulgoode42: Has to be The Mountinis – who else looks like they could kick your ass, and then polish it and put a little doilie on it afterwards to serve you breakfast and beg your forgiveness? Such is the clash in these ambi-sextrous dudes.

Tony Ventresca: Although the Mountinis make me embarassed to be a Crazy Canuck, their uber-doucheness is so strong that it is causing passersbys in the background to stare and laugh in amusement at this vignette of horror. I’m assuming this photo was taken somewhere in Quebec. If it was Alberta – our other totally useless province – these douches would be in cowboy hats.

Sack O Douche: I say Mountinis are the winner. Shirts off with pants is rad and bag in my opinion! Plus, slutty Kimberly and her tight dress can bend over for me anytime.

Wheezer: I’m going with The Mountinis FTW. I know the broheims just wanna have fun, but when your leader does his hair like the side of Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 head yet combines that with his “manly” tribals…..oh screw it, you’re just a douche.

Eliza Douchecoo: I considered my initial vote for Shoshanna based on her hottness but thought about it over lunch. The Mountinis would have to be the winners here. The guys hair ensemble is incredibly ridiculous. While Shoshanna is sexy, the Mountinis are complete and total douchebags, the appletini pic is the icing on the ‘bag.

Anonymous: The Mountinis FTW. His hair is one of the most stupid arrangements I have seen in some time

Bag Margera: my vote goes to Mountinis. Whether it’s Edmonton, Niagra, or the Trois-Rivières area, these poonises bring shame to my already G-20 shamed country.

Peter Ilyich Doucheovsky: Even though The Tang makes me want to set defenseless woodland creatures on fire, and I would leap all over Lily Pad Hott, my vote must be for The Mountinis. They are, by all accounts, a perfect visual representation of the Greico virus. In the beginning there was probably only one Mountini, but because the other two “bro’s” were constantly exposed to the atrocity of the fauxhawk and tribal tatts, they are now infected.

Don’t worry, Kimberly, I’ll rescue you. And then serenade you with ancient Hawaiian lovesongs on my ukelele.

Exactly right and excellently deconstructed by all who voted. I defy anyone who claims that Kimberly does not hold up the Hott side of the equation. Take another look. She is Canadian politeness mixed with drunken boozehound. An easier combination has yet to be globally located. Coming in a close second, The Tang and Shoshanna:

dbBen: She smiles now, but she won’t be smiling once she finds out that Insurance Fraud is a felony.

elderdouch: My vote goes to The Tang and Shoshanna is HOT!!! and her grandfather is NOT

boatbutter: Tang. Mainly because of his stubby little midget legs. Shoshanna must’ve taken his femurs and stuffed them in her boobs. Which appear unmanageably huge. And awesome.

End the Haberdouchery: The Tang. Only an asshole like this guy would hire Yao Ming to be his photographer.

smackdouche: The Tang and Shoshanna. With a win, Tang will show that childhood polio hasn’t kept him from being a winner–and a douche.

Deltus: Tang and Shoshanna. We have roided up tattbag, age inappropriateness, and Shoshanna is all kinds of innocent looking super built uber hottness omigod fap fap fap fap fap.

Mr. Biggs: The true HCwDB moment requires not only a rank looking douchebag, but the innocent, happy, intelligent hott who has no idea of the horrors in store for her. And in this, Tang and Shoshanna get the gold. Tang’s douchey pedosmile, Shoshanna’s eternally youthful beam, it’s a moment for the annals of HCwDB.

Scooby Douche: Shoshanna has incredible breasts. I would watch those like a CIA spy satellite in geosynchronous orbit over Russia. And take photos too. And masturbate to them in the darkroom.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Tang dares to dream big. He dreams of a time when he’ll no longer have the legs of a five year-old girl stricken with polio. He dreams of a time when other douches will stop using him as a human drink coaster. More importantly he dreams of a time when people stop asking him “Are you the father on ‘Little People, Big World’?” Yes, he’ll show them. He’ll show them.

I’m pleased to see my appreciation for the real world wholesome but lustful beauty of Shoshanna was not missed by others. Coming in a solid third place, with significant support, was the Kid Rock shwanger, The Frogger and his Lily Pad, Leanner:

Crazed Aborigine: Just on the strength of oily, slightly bleethy, bikini clad brunette perfection, it must be Frogger. He needs to be the guest of honor at the roadkill cafe, she needs to be my next executive office assistant, AKA the plaintiff in my NEXT harrassment suit. The six digit payout would be worth it, I tell you.

Anthony LaBaglia: Leanne is a coupla shelves higher than these other two. I love the way she’s ever-so-subtly rolling that string bottom down her hip. She looks so cool, and self-aware.

Douchelips: I have to swim against the tide and vote for The Frogger Lily Pad Hott. She is all sorts of greased up water pond delicious. Lithe and smooth, ready to shimmy over to my side of the pond for some slime wrestling. The Frogger on the other hand has watched too may Kid Rock videos and obviously thinks that’s what passes for cool. Nobody wants to be your “homie” Frogger. Now take that wife-beater, athletic pants, ironic glasses and hat-tilt out out to the cow pasture and pick up the dung. Becuase that’s where you belong.

Dicy: While the Tang is all that is wrong and the world and Shoshana is all that is right in the world.. I do have a personal vendetta against Kid Rock trashy douches so its gotta be Frogger, he’s the kind of taint that makes my blood boil and even more so for being so close to a lovely lily pad!

Doucheasaurus Rex: Froggy and LeAnn. Try in vain as I may, i would always inevitably lose if the game was called Hot chicks with Froggers. I want to seem him squished.

Paul Muad’douche, the Kwisatz Scroterach: If there’s any justice in this universe, the Frogger will perish in a meth lab fire, and soon, and Leanne will move north of the Mason-Dixon line, or at least to a place where Deliverance is thought of as a work of fiction and not a documentary. If the universe is benign, she will seek me out, and I can teach her all about things she has yet to experience from her home town, such as art, the printed word, and food that wasn’t killed running across a highway.

Ted: The hott power of Leanne puts the Frogger over the top. Frogger might actually be a fakey pretender in pure costume bagginess, but Leanne causes me to forget all this and… I’m sorry, what was I saying? I lost my train of thought.

Indeed, and I still feel Southern Douche just doesn’t get its proper mock on the site. We’ll have to rectify that in the future. But this week, it was Canada’s time to shine. And by shine, I mean shoes. Lets let mr.reeve take us home:

Shoshanna and Lily Pad are hotter than Kimberly but the Mountinis are just too much douche and Axe for me to pass up. Girly martinis, roids, f*cked up hair and bad cloths are how the Mountinis roll with a Canadian twist. What a Canadian twist is I do not know, but Canada is our neighbor and it appears the douche flu lives there as well. Sorry Canada.

Indeed. Good work to all who voted once again for quality parse. Chalk up our first coupling of toxicity for the next HCwDB of the Month. And your semi-humble narrator for Cheez Puffs.

Scott’s Tropical Cherries

When your package inadvertently forms a small shrubbery in between two palm trees, you might want to think of another look for the beach.

As to Mocha Chocolate Luvs Rayanne and Maya on the left, they bring high quality Sista Hott suckle thigh to HCwDB.

After buying her an overpriced Mai-Tai, I would offer humor and self deprecation that Rayanne would find surprisingly different from her brother’s annoying friends who are always hitting on her after class.

We would go back to my room at the Vegas Motel Coral Essex, where I would massage her shoulders with balms and lotion oils imported from Malaysa until she yawned and changed the channel to Discovery. Because Myth Busters was on.

Scott's Tropical Cherries

When your package inadvertently forms a small shrubbery in between two palm trees, you might want to think of another look for the beach.

As to Mocha Chocolate Luvs Rayanne and Maya on the left, they bring high quality Sista Hott suckle thigh to HCwDB.

After buying her an overpriced Mai-Tai, I would offer humor and self deprecation that Rayanne would find surprisingly different from her brother’s annoying friends who are always hitting on her after class.

We would go back to my room at the Vegas Motel Coral Essex, where I would massage her shoulders with balms and lotion oils imported from Malaysa until she yawned and changed the channel to Discovery. Because Myth Busters was on.

Beach Ball Barry

Because nothing seduces Nail Stylist Nadine quite like bringing her to your basement dungeon, then making sure she uses the lotion or gets the hose again.