Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: The Grieco Virus Reaches India

Reader Krishna writes in from India:

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In case you don’t know DB1…. edhardy is taking over India.

– Krishna

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HCwDB is but one cry against the maelstrom of global cultural neoliberal neocolonialist douchography and the crisis of logo and the body.

Do what you can to mock, Krishna. As the Daoist Monks have taught us, sarcastic mocking is the only way to enlightenment.

Mr. Assplosionhead

Ok, I finally get why we can’t bring hair gel on airplanes.

Vic Wears a Silly Tri-Skull Hat

So as we move into the deep summer of 2010, questions come to me:

Do the limits of subjective perception create a fatal barrier to our understandings of the real?

What up with the stupid hat and too-tight unbuttoned shirt in presence of quality boobie hottie suckle thigh?

I’m Nothing But a Hater

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To whomever runs this stupid sight-

You’re nothing but a hater. Just thought you shoud know.
– S.B.
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Perhaps, S.B, but if there’s two things I do know, it’s that I love treats, and I ate chew.

I'm Nothing But a Hater

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To whomever runs this stupid sight-

– S.B.

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Perhaps, S.B, but if there’s two things I do know, it’s that I love treats, and I ate chew.

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Mel Gibson

A two time winner here at HCwDB, congrats to Mel Gibson and his baby momma Oksana Something for earning this well deserved HCwDB of the Month title.

It’s probably way redundant at this point, but whattadouche.

Hey Mel, the Jews didn’t kill your God and your father’s a testes gargle.

Muggy Rodriguez

Muggy Rodriguez is your standard issue Dallas Douche (stupid shirt, stupid face, white belt, spiker hair, etc.)

But Rosalyn on the right’s breasteses are a once in a lifetime glory of glories high holiday holiest of holies with a Leonard Cohen Hallelujah thrown in on high speed remix.

Their soft nuzzly nuzzles must be triple-taked to be appreciated. Looked at once. Then double taked. Then triple taked. And then spit taked. And then out taked. And then a quiet moment of repose with a nice port wine.

Her best friend, Candy, is quality hottsicle as well, and I thank both of their mothers for genetic gifts, and their fathers for emotional coldness leading to revealing clothing purchasing beginning in their early teen years.

Swimmer Librarian Hott Voted

Swimmer Librarian Hott brought her eyeglasses and her Modelbag by to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

This is a quality smackdown. Three supreme all beef patty choices. You know the drill. Bring it. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Frogger and Leanne, aka Lily Pad Hott

About time we get some Kid Rock classic Southern Douchebag all up in this bisquit.

Froggy is classic roadkill chum.

Elvis glasses, hat tilt and ‘tude.

And lets not forget, The Frogger’s Lily Pad Pear Grab (aka “the day the music died”).

The opposition between quality female form and truck runover worthy Bawdiggaba da douchey douchey douchey is strong with this one.

But strong enough to be award winning shoe scrape?

Southern Kid Rock Trashbag types have rarely won a Weekly.

Could this be the tide turn? And by tide turn, I mean Lily’s lickable wallpaper?

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: The Tang and Shoshanna

Strange mutant camera angle that shrinks The Tang’s legs into stumpy twigs is complimented by a second pic of The Tang in which The Tang may or may not actually be The Tang.

This is just all sorts of weirdness.

For The Tang is not just spikey haired orangedouche. He’s also an important technological innovation.

You see, the Tang was famously invented by NASA in the 1970s to insure that astronauts wouldn’t fear death in the case of emergency. If the Shuttle was in trouble, all the astronauts had to do was realize that The Tang existed, and life would seem meaningless and death a welcome release.

And there’s two pics of sweet wholesome Polly Purebread boobie gnaw in the form of sorority pledging Shoshanna.

The dialectic is strong with this pairing. But enough to win the Weekly? What about:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Mountinis and Kimberly

Bringing deep shame to Canada, the atrocious Mountinis continued to mug Kimberly until they gave up and went for Appletinis.

Add up the douchetributes:

Greased widow peak hair on Mountini Fred.

Roided up orangebag status.

And poor Kimberly. All she wanted to do was find a decent boy to make out with in the greater Trois-Rivières area.

(Dis)honorable mention to Boris, who brought Suzie’s perfect boobage but a bit too ironic dressup to make the Weekly, the creepy goth douche of Nick Preps for Brain Surgery, and the hotness of Paid to Pose Lisa who got snagged by The Spike Brothers.

But them’s your three HCwDB finalists, and all three are quality. Which will rise to the top (bottom) and earn our first slot in the next HCwDB of the Month?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

EDIT: And while you’re voting, take a moment to remember the unique voice and brilliance of Harvey Pekar.

How to Fake Your Six Pack Abs

Some douchebags discover their talents through sheer instinct.

Others take lessons from annoyingly voiced pixie Asian chicks.