Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Douchebaguette Dance

Healthy, fertile booty. Ubiquitous White Belt. Total Bleeth.

And Zeus wept.

Suburban Gangsta Darren Says “Check My Chin Pubes, Dawg!”

Because, yo, his tracks is about to break, dog!! Just two thousand more hits on iTunes and it’ll be all off the shizz!! He’s talkin’ poppin’ bottles with Paris at the Palms n shint!!

Meanwhile, Carly might have scary Long Island crazy eyes, but her twin globes beckon with the pale cleavite of eternal sustenance.

Blue Man Grope

Here’s an image from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival’s production of Shakespeare’s “As You Like It,” done entirely in mime, with a score by Philip Glass and Jay-Z.

Ask DB1: Is Andrew’s Bro a ‘Bag?

———
Dear Bag1,

Sincerely,
Andrew
—————

Solid stage-3 Suburban Wigga Choad, Andrew. Fumigate his room then mock him from a safe distance.

Doucheoke Night at The Dunder-Mifflin Office Party

They may be pretty quiet during work hours, but Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice sure can cut loose to some “Abba” when the moment calls for it.

Yeah. I got nothin.

Your humble narrator is way hung over after too much Sangria and Absynthe last night after open mike night down at the Ha Ha Hole on Pico.

Stumbling around my living room trying to find my other Pac-Man sock. It may be behind the plant.

Blu Ray

Blu Ray knows what the ladies want.

And what the ladies want is a Smirnoff Ice.

And years of emotional dysfunction due to low self esteem fostered in childhood.

Neil Hardy

Neil Hardy, distant second cousin twice removed of Ed, throws the phattest house parties in all of Des Moines, yo.

Oh Marsha. How can you let Neil fondle your primeness in such a sketch kitchen? It’s enough to make me slap a mongoose and juggle hamsters.

And no, those are not euphemisms for self love. I just like to abuse woodland creatures.

The Club Moes Voted

The Club Moes took time out of spending their parents money on overpriced club validation meant to cover the drifting aimlessness of their early 20s to vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

Booya. Bring it. You know what to do.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Jungle McDonald and the Britney Sisters

Not since the human race’s ancient tribal practice of selling young fertile females into slavehood has so befuddled a clown come into accidental contact with two prime hottness of viable wombs and sucklable legs.

Jungle McDonald brings Conan O’Brianesque Late Night Oldbaggery to the mix. Haven’t seen that in awhile.

With shaved chest except for crotch pube ant trail, it’s all sorts of small town creepyness.

And the Britney Sisters. Laura and Michelle Britney. So sweet. So perky. So desiring lecherous fondles during “Eat Pray Love.” Which you saw with them. Because you thought you had a chance. But you don’t.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie

Tendon Ted is one of those rare ‘bags whose annoyance factor is almost entirely abstract.

Sure, his sleve tatts are douchey and his face a douche-face. But hand gestures, bling and other adoucherements are lacking.

Yet something about his stoic aura and eye scalding bulging ab-veins suggest a primal societal violation that deserves a superior level of mock as a response.

Ass Pear Annie is all that is positively raunchy about Vegas, and as such, she is to be applauded for display.

Together, they form Vegas Crud. Pure exhibition without joy. Sexual display without any eroticism. Just naked flesh. As such, they are to be mocked and derided for spectacle gone wrong.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Brad Pudt and Eliza

Brad Pudt deserves consideration in the Weekly for bringing a rarely seen douchetribute: The Southern ‘Bag.

All sorts of hickdouche wrongness. Like a Skynyrd techno remix, it blends the worst of garish American culture in one fu-manchu of disgrace.

Or, in the immortal words of Peter Gibbon’s next door neighbor, Lawrence, two chicks at the same time, man. Hey Peter, turn on channel nine!

Eliza received crap for her bushy eyebrows in the comments thread, and I agree they’re a problem. Nonetheless, while poor grooming is a negative, if that stopped the human reproductive drive, we’d be fossils of the Paleolithic Era. Buy her some tweezers and she’s a legit hottie.

I eliminated The Sneery Bros for Bleethy hott, Hipsterwank Henry for just being depressing, The Hippiebag for being kinda fun, albeit with gorgeous brunette, Battle Beyond the Tards, who should get their own 2010 Douchie Award, and Vest Guy Eats a Bagel Bit, who probably should’ve been included over Brad Pudt. And Helmut Von Baggus was just too damn weird.

So them’s your three.

Which coupling deserves to be called HCwDB of the Week and get a slot at the next Monthly? I need your help.

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchebags Discover iMovie, Make a Video

The legendary director Francis Ford Coppola once famously and utopically predicted the following:

“Suddenly one day some little fat girl in Ohio is going to be the new Mozart… and make a beautiful film with her father’s little camera-corder, and for once this whole professionalism about movies will be destroyed forever and it will become an art form.”

– Francis Ford Coppola

Coppola’s dream was that with the lowering of the many barriers to entry for film making (high costs, film stock), new talent would emerge in unexpected places, creating a meritocracy of art, instead of a hierarchy.

Today, we have YouTube. And douchebags.

And that little fat girl just hung herself.