Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Helmut Von Baggus

When foreign exchange grad student Helmut Von Baggus asked Irene if he could “show her ‘mit racing stripes?'” Irene assumed he’d meant on his car.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Your humble narrator stares pensively at the summer Los Angeles heatwave. And sips his Night Train in quiet repose.

The days of $2,000 bottles of Grey Goose and “pimpin'” by everyone from Wall Street asswipes to suburban parking lot frolic choads may have transmutated into comedic or ironic douchery. But the virus remains just strong.

With the success of The Jersey Shore’s archetypes breaking through into the mainstream, the power of the mock has been altered. Like Skynet before it, The Douche has become self-aware.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Shut yer stinkin’ trap!

HCwDB ripoff site “The Dirty” and uberdouche Nik Richie got whacked with an 11 million dollar injunction for smearing people rather than being funny. Massive props to Barstool Sports for summing it up as best as it can be summed.

Speaking of The Dirty, republican congressional nominee and all around entitled fratdouche, Ben Quayle, contributed to The Dirty for years as “Brock Landers,” still wins his primary. Stay classy, Arizona.

Head Strap.

Perverted cat appreciates ass pear.

French Canadian rapper Pellep Pellep Pellep is the latest to “borrow” heavily from HCwDB’s picture database to make a douchebag tribute video. Is this crap mocking ‘bags? Supporting ‘bags? Who cares. Make that horrible shite stop.

Don’t get the Shut Yer Stinkin’ Trap reference? Check out episode 1 of Skank. Because something on Fox smells funny.

Booty Clappin’. Ghetto Preacher does not approve.

Hardpocalypse 2010: Ed Hardy Baby Skeleton Pirate Hat. The kids aren’t all right.

Asshole.

Twitter sensation and underage female model Justin Bieber has a dad who’s a Stage douche.

Panda Dogs. Oh so cruel, yet oh so hilarious.

Rocky III may be one of the great literary masterpieces of the 1980s, but Rocky Bagboa is a saggyscrote.

And finally, here’s your reward:

Pool Pear

Use it well. Use it wisely. For the weekend is upon. And cherries are in season.

The Sneery Bros Run With The Goose

The Sneery Bros are considering renting out their temples to a Sudoku company.

It’s sad and tragic, but not surprising, that Katie has become a Stage-3 Bleeth hanging around that twin vortex of suckage. But tatts on boobies and Jesus Bling belt buckle mean she can’t be saved.

Where’s Waldouche?: Crotch Chin Edition

Somewhere in this gaggle of woo, I’ve carefully hidden a 1990s Porn Star Crotch Chin ‘Bag.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

Friday Haiku

Phil Leopard bares spots,
Rubs up on Bartender Jen,
Makes lame cougar jokes.

L.A. weather gal
Throws it back to studio
Dry, with chance of douche

— Vin Douchal

Lost his job, his house
Then his wife. What’s Ned got left?
Why, his dignity.

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Ryan Seacrest asks
His token date, “Does this make
Me more or less gay?”

— Crucial Head

As cheetah nuzzles,
Gazelle screams through her smile,
“Animal control!”

— Condouchious

Leopard boy tells hott,
“You got some nice big hooters.”
He sure ain’t Lion!

— scrotum pole

Silver hammer shirt
Beatles reference? Spots are scars
Maxwell, swing harder!

— Count douchekevich

Faux leopard hair hawk
Whispers to Plastic Debbie
“Does my breath stink?”

— mr.reeve

Brothabag Clive and Popsicle Pete Show Trina Their Undies

C’mon, people.

Those Bunker Hill Community College applications won’t fill themselves out.

Reader Mail: Chica Bomb

Our intrepid ‘bag hunter on the front lines, “A,” writes in again from Afghanistan:

—-
Dear DB1!

Sincerely,
-A
—–

Super hottness soft core music vid porn and some superdouchey Frenchobag. Good catch, A. Good catch. This song makes my uvula itch.

Brad Pudt

Brad Pudt macks the serious a-list hottie huntin’ game in Austin, yo.

Just ask Eliza. She thinks his Jesus Bling and highly original tattoos are the raddest thing this side of the electronic bull down at “Dave’s Rodeo.”

Alls I can tell you, Eliza, is don’t make Brad Pudt point.

For he will point.

Hipsterwank Henry

I had thought 2010 would be the year of the Hipsterbag.

Strangely (and awfully), it’s been more a series of garish trends of Groin Shave Reveal, the wake of Jersey Shore spectacle coated with attempts of irony, rather than alternative Hipsterdouche.

But it’s only August.

A few more like Hipsterpud Henry and rose tattoo fungus necks while hitting on tasty treats like Nicole, and things may turn out different when we sum up the year at the 2010 Douchie Awards.

Mmmm…. Nicole… I would rub only the finest breadcake puddings upon your pleasingly curvy and plump figure, and then cry in therapy about my guinea pig that never loved me.

Tendon Ted

Exploding Abs. Sleeve tatts. Nipples so horrific, babies just began crying in Bangledesh.

Tendon Ted is not an entertaining douchebag.

He’s depressing Vegas shlort.

Ass Pear Annie long ago gave up any pretenses and makes her money as she can, without judging the objectifications inherent in the unfettered market system.