Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Long Island Pitstop

Continuing our recent theme of real world pudwacks with real world hotts, here’s Pudwack Mikey, a barely qualifying stage-1 doucher (hat + gold chain), and his Bleethy but perfectly curved gum snapping hottie, Angie.

Together, they go to Sizzler.

Vegas Ass Kicker Says We Can Eat His Ass And We All Will Not Get No Pass

HCwDB’s most recent douchebag poet emeritus, Vegas Ass Kicker, contributes more to his expanding work of postmodern critique:

—-
Fresh up out of bed and just got done getten some head. I am sure you little working class faggots are hard at work while I am out here runnin a muck. You see I aint no DJ and I aint no MC. But mutha f#ckas still want to flow like me. Yo sh#t is wack and my sh#t is dope. If you keep on steppen I am gonna have to hang you from a rope. This sh#t won’t stop and it will not quit. Like my nagga Hammer said I am 2 legit 2 quit.

Yep, out all night partyin and playin. That’s what I do and that’s how I roll. You call me a troll but I am hear for all the “douche bags” and “dickheads” who you little bloggen faggots call out. We are the real sh#t and you is the wack sh#t. Yall can eat my ass. And yall will not get no pass. VEGAS THUGZ BITCHES!!!! We gonna stomp dat ass!
—-

I once ordered the nagga hammer at Sushi Nozawa. It was excellent.

Fwippy Joe

Between yesterday’s Pete Rocker Horns and today’s Fwippy Joe, it’s about time we got some real world stage-1 puds back on the site to mock.

And sexy mom Caroline. You don’t think you can compete with the latest crop of 19 year old Woo Hotties. But I would reassure you by softly humming Philip Glass harmonics through a straw, and then spritzing lime juice on your thighs using only a Windex bottle and a group of Quakers via satellite link to offer spiritual judgment and disapproving glares.

Pete Tentatively Attempts the “Rocker Horns”

Pete’s a bit unsure how much he has to douche it up now that he’s scoring way out of his league with the delicious Desiree.

So we’ll call Pete a stage-1 douche. Dipping his toes in scrotal waters, but not too far gone yet.

Certainly not as far gone as Brazilian Emo Hulk (warning: not for the faint of soul).

Yeah, you only wish Brazilian Emo Hulk is a photoshop fake. That thing is all too real.

Where’s Waldouche?: Lo-Rent Frat Edition

Somewhere in this lineup of perky Arizona Coeds both pre and post giggle pillow party fight with red velvet cupcakes for dessert, I’ve carefully hidden not one but two and a half Fratpud Waldouches.

Look closely.

Can you find them?

The Cleveland Steamer

The Cleveland Steamer decided to take his talents to South Beach and hit on the skinny but ginormiously jiggle enhanced Chiquitas, while voting in the HCwDB of the Week.

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

Bring it.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: JaBooty and Carly/Kimmy

Well, JaBooty, you made it to the HCwDB of the Week.

JaBooty: Thass what I’m sayin’, dawg! You put yos mind to sometin, good shniss happens.

Shniss?

JaBooty: You knows. “Shniss.” It’s that powdery stuff theys puts on those doughnuts they be givin out in the Social Security line on Tuesdays.

Oh.

JaBooty: And to my fans, alls I gots to say is yo! Crack is whack! And by whack, I mean $15. And to my hot ladies from Wellesley who was slummin’ it with a kid from Dorchester, alls I gots to say is call me, bitches! For Jabooty gots the love virus. And maybe sometin else, too.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Jimmy Scribble and Hott Bikini Hannah

The Scribbler is all that is annoying about Sheboygan.

Hott Bikini Hannah has the supple firmness of healthy, viable womb and seizure inducing buttocks.

I stopped a poor orphan child on the street in Surrey England and asked him what he thought of Hott Bikini Hannah. He said, “Please, sir? Can I have some more? Ass pear?”

So I sold him to poetic homeless gangleader in a Shakespeare play and now he pickpockets for coin in the East End.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Vlad the Inhaler and Natasha

Vlad is a two part pictorial that tells a story. A story of Licky Nip.

And the baby Jebus weeping.

Vlad is what we term the “Highly Amusing Douche.” Perfecting the rarely seen “shirt over neck” maneuver, plus undies poke and douche-face, Vlad more than qualifies.

And Natasha’s well fed Russian stock thighs could birth a small army. Her hottness is fully revealed in pic #2, but her pear is perfect gnawable gnaw. What, JaBooty? What are you doing here?

JaBooty: Dog, I knows I’m supposed to stay all up in the first block of text, but that chick’s bumper is FINE, son! I’se be faceplantin that loaf till the eviction notice be on its third posting, know what I’se sayin?

Okay, JaBooty. Now get back to your section.

So, on that note, them’s your three.

Which is hottie/douchey in opposition and originality enough to call itself HCwDB of the Week?

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Twenty One Seconds of Extremely Hot Chicks with Boatbags

It’s like a Weekly HCwDB coupling come to inglorious and barely conscious life.

And by life, I mean Bud Light Lime.

Donkey Douche is Old and Crimson

But, like the legendary ‘bag that Donkey Douche is, still able to pull the perky boobies.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Douchebags rise and douchebags fall. But the legends carry on.

Until their early 40s. And then they move back home.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Your humble narrator reclines on his dirty rug and contemplates the waterstains on the wall.

Much like The D.J. Clownscrote Twins, hanging in their basement and attempting to impress Stephanie, if you stare at HCwDB toxicity long enough, they begin to spell out universal truths on their collective abdomens.

Like the fact that no matter how hott a hott chick is, she still has to pee. Or the realization that nectarines are simply angry plums that failed the GRE and have to take remedial courses next summer.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Life clocks are a lie! Carousel is a lie! THERE IS NO RENEWAL!

Eagle eyed reader Johnny Depp Douche tagged a ‘bag license plate on the way to work.

There are many important moments in the 1980s teen sex comedy oeuvre. None are more important than the Zapped fart.

Fellow ‘bag hunters, we must fight harder. We may be losing the war.

More from Douchebaggapalooza 2010: Nickelback and Buckcherry, together in scrote.

Yankee Caps and crime. Like a horse and carriage.

Scientists develop Spray-On Clothing. Important medical development or next-gen douche tool?

Speaking of giant vagina creatures in modern Hollywood action films, is there anything more amusing than Brendan Frasier getting attacked by giant vagina plants in Journey to the Center of the Earth? It’s like a small dose of visualized Freudian theory in the middle of PG-13 wasteland.

The Legend of Gator Face. Not quite what I was expecting.

Luxury Laces. For when douchebags need something else to overspend their parents money on.

This week in Hot Semitic Librarian future ex-wife of the DB1: Michelle Trachtenberg. Mmmm.

But enough about Hot Semitic Librarian types. You know what you came for. And here it is:

PoisonOakJeansPear.

Go forth. Go forth and scratch upon this Friday eve. Your humble narrator will be here tomorrow with more mock and more hotts for your approval.