-
Monday, September 20, 2010
HCwDB of the Week
Coming off last week’s Monthly, in which Edgar and Joss carried Orange Brothabagedness to a well deserved monthly win, we have some choice cuts of hottie/douchey wrongness this week for your perusal. Your finalists are:
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Joey the Orange and the Judith Sisters
Toxic Orange Groin Shave Reveal = Reason #43 that Daoist Monks are bitchslapping each other rather than meditating on the silent Om.
For when Joey the Orange is out there, the silent Om reverts to the very loud mock.
And that is as it should be.
For he is poo. And lets not forget Joey the Orange’s bonus response in the comments thread, which called us “losers” and led us to this.
The Judith Sisters all pledged Kappa Kappa Woo two weeks back when Sophomore Year started. And this is their first party. And they hate their dads.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Mister Liptatt and Holly
Neck lipstick tatts.
Douche.
Sure, I could try to be more creative in parsing the distinct level of ‘bag here. But lets just call it what it is. Arthritic shoescrape.
Mmm… Holly.
I would body surf through an ocean wave of phlegmatic snails just for the chance to file the missing sudoku squares left behind by your Aunt Belinda after a particularly exhausting game of assisted living Parcheesi.
Yup.
No idea what I’m saying anymore.
But Lipstick Tatt Douche with “gangsta” pose is highly qualified for Weekly mock, and Holly’s curves are lemonade milkshake wonderland dreamboat chewtoy gnaw.
HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: The Abercrombag and Clarissa
Clarrisa is lean and mean perfectly taut and tan the reason you hate your girlfriend hottness.
The Abercrombag inherited more than you make in a year. And then blew it on tequila and blow.
Tequila and Blow being a folk duet out of Austin. You might remember their 1974 hit, “Sunshine Isn’t Just for Lovers.”
Okay, now I really have no idea what I’m writing.
But back to this coupling. We all hate the Abercrombag’s retch. We all want to pooch lick Clarissa’s pot belly potty bell.
Add it up and it’s a worthy toxic swirl of hottie/douchey commingle.
But enough to win the HCwDB of the Week? That’s where you come in.
Just missing the cut were Tough Guy Chase, the cryptogaybaggery of The Taterbag and Tonya, Joe Flannel and Francesca, the odious Canadian Kleenex Mafia and Hipsterbag Michel.
Three can enter.
Only one coupling can rise to the top/bottom of your coffee creamer sugar swirl.
Which will it be? Mister Liptatt and Holly? The Aberbcrombag and Clarissa? Joey the Orange and the Judith Sisters? I need your help. I can’t do this alone.
Vote, as always, in the comments thread.
Sunday, September 19, 2010Hot Chicks with Douchebags: The Minimally Animated Short Film
“You make cookies because you’re a girl. Hehehe.” = Win.
Saturday, September 18, 2010Reader Mail: Vegas Douche Virus Takes Over Italy
The Italodouche reports in from Italy, where the Grieco Virus is returning.
———-
DB1,
The Vegas Herpester pool party concept has now spread to the shores of the Mediterranean, now infecting the once glorious civilization known as Italy.
Naples is one of the oldest cities in the world, and it held an important role in Magna Graecia. Much blood has been shed here throughout history(unifcation wars, WWII, mafia crimes,etc.)
If Garibaldi were alive today, he would have to re-assemble the Expedition to defeat the new enemy.
– the Italodouche
———
The land of Michaelangelo, Dante and Monica Bellucci has fallen on hard times indeed. Sad news, Italodouche. But, like Australia, nations can fight back. Have faith. The culture wars continue.
Friday, September 17, 2010Friday Thoughts and Links
Your humble narrator is spending this Friday in meditative repose.
The city of angels weeps for the stupid people. But I don’t. I mock them. With you. Together we mock. And the world clarifies a little sharper into focus, even as the blurring of age hazes the margins.
Here’s your links:
Your HCwDB Gamer Pick of the Week: Would you kindly?
Cheers to Australia! The Aussies continue to lead the War On Ed Hardy with a major victory scored. Now stop watching all those crappy British soap opera imports. EastEnders is for tossers.
The actual Ed Hardy gets respect from UCLA and academia. And the ghosts of Adorno and Horkheimer weep.
The Daily Show goes to Staten Island, finds ‘bags, Bleeths and Yankee Caps. The great Wyatt Cenac investigates.
Proto-douches in History: Butch from The Little Rascals.
Yom Kippur is here. I must atone for all my sinful thoughts involving Mila Kunis, a bottle of Jergens, a rubber cheese grater and a small Armenian midget named Antran watching, handing out towels and making sarcastic wisecracks the entire time.
At last Sunday’s Video Music Awards on MTV, Kanye West unveiled his new song, Lets Have a Toast For the Douchebags. I’d like to think last year’s award had something to do with it.
Speaking of pop stars, flash-in-the-pan 2004 one hit wonder John Mayer quits Twitter. He’s taking his bandwidth and going home. And is still a douchebag.
I find Katie Perry as boring and neutered of reality as reading the Washington Post, but I can no longer deny the power of boobies. They are pavlovian pull, even as she continues to offer the blank genericism of castrated pop pablum.
Justin Bieber is the most annoying teen starlet since Gidget.
And this week, as per a reader request, instead of the glories of Ass Pear, you get a special three-treat of side boob gloriousness. Enjoy:
Peek-a-boob in the park.
Peek-a-boob at the beach.
Peek-a-boob by a tree, art style.
Enjoy. Go forth. Conquer. Sip Night Train.
Friday, September 17, 2010Ask DB1: The Scrotal Network
—–
DB1,
I come to you oh wise and benevolent prophet with a true enigma.
Only this morning while checking the happenings of people I rarely know and girls I would much like to nuzzle, on Facebook, I was enlightened to the existence of the semi-celebrity douche known as Robert Kardashian Jr.
While we have all lusted after his more famous sisters of questionable bleeth and undeniable hott, I was enlightened to the fact that:
A) This douche is alive and well and B) People I used to call my friends consider themselves fans of his. As I pondered this, a more esoteric question alighted upon my furrowed brow. Is Facebook a tool for mock, or for douche?
On the one hand Facebook would appear to be the douchebag’s equivalent of the national sex offender database. With just a click of the mouse anyone can scour their friends for incontrovertible evidence of douche. In fact I now know that should I ever see Robert Kardashian Jr., no matter how demure he may seem, it is my duty to hurl feces covered toadstools at him.
On the other hand, Facebook would appear a perfect venue for pudwanks everywhere. No words or even intelligence is required. Just a webcam, steroids and some deplorable life decisions.
In summation my question is this. Does Facebook help or hurt the cause of mock world wide?
I await your response with bated breath.
Yours in mock,
Sultan of Suck
——
Facebook, soon to go the way of MySpace, is simply a tool, a condouchuit if you will, for the streams of virtual douchebaggery to pixelate in the virtual realm. It is an enabler, but not the cause.
But Facebook can also be used as an important tool for the mock, as submissions to HCwDB are often found by ‘bag hunters such as yourself.
Therefore Facebook remains mostly a neutral force in the war between hope and scrotepud.
Friday, September 17, 2010“The Virginity Hit”
Sony Pictures’ The Virginity Hit, opening in limited release, is sponsoring HCwDB all this month, so show our supporters some love by checking out the site and the movie.
Or, to get you to check it out, I could just write Boobies!
Because who doesn’t click on boobies?
A low budget raunchy teen comedy, the word so far is good and the preview looks like classic 1980s sex-com. And lots and lots of boobies. Are you listening, crappy PG-13 lameass teen comedies? This is the way it should be. Boobies and nerds trying to get laid.
Check it out, and tell an HCwDB supporter that you love them in a deep and meaningful way, and want to fondle their pets.
Friday, September 17, 2010Friday Haiku
Captain Cavepud flies!
Sharon lost a bet with Kate,
Must steal underoos.
Stan uses rent check,
Visits Las Vegas brothel,
Has to hitch hike home.
— Devon Wheatcakes
Texdouche disproves myth:
“All things in Texas are big.”
All hat, no cattle.
— Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser
Incredible Dolt
Busts out of his Hardy clothes
Forgot the sunblock
— Poultry Turd
Cowboy Zack gears up
Long, hard cattle drive ahead
Down stairs to the pool.
— Mr. Scrotato Head
As the summer wanes,
bugs begin dying, but douche
still molts the Axe layer.
— Wheezer
Montana cowboy,
Performs groin shave with sheep shears,
Shears off his weenus.
— scrotum pole
Midnight Cowboy Fail,
Big city dreams lost in the aether
The future is bleak
— Et Tu Douche?
Thursday, September 16, 2010Wet Vac America
Oh, just turned 18 Tracy.
Your tie-died Fratboy Phish-listening 80s sunglasses wearing clownfriends who just took a Bayer aspirin with an “X” crudely cut into it that someone wearing wings sold to them for $22 dollars by the water station are shwicky douchepud.
Your firm, petite melonic melonball firmness deserves to be groped by better hands.
You are clearly stage-2 or even a stage-3 Bleeth, and there isn’t much time to spare. I will read you Balzac and then ask to dust your ankles with a feather duster.
Thursday, September 16, 2010Indiana Jones and the Arm of Mayan Douchewank
Not sure about the direction of the latest chapter in the series, but at least it doesn’t have C.G. ants.
Reader Mail: Vic the Brick Wants our Mock
——————
your website is epic.
so.. i want to be a part of your website.. well the “douches” that is.. the reason is. i think that all guys are more or less the same, and that the douche bags just want to stand out.. and girls tend to notice that.
….. at the expense of how they look to ordinary people, douchebags get girls.. and can still have more fun than anyone at the club/bar..
so here is a few pictures of myself being a big douche. nobody likes me, and i dress funny..
if these work i can send more lol 3:D
– Vic the Brick
——————-
The disconnects in this email offer the logical corridors of a first person shooter designed by M.C. Escher. Librarian Hott Cindy deserves much, much better.
