Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pinwheel Paulie

The classic fauxhauk, rapidly disappearing along with the rest of 2007’s worst douchetributes, has been replaced in 2010 by the Pinfaux.

Pinwheel Paulie demonstrates the new tri-tip hair in all its lameness. And deserves the mock.

Kelly’s giggles are melifluous, and so to honor her for such genetic gifts I would buy her a Mai Tai and awkwardly stroke her pocketbook while she was distracted by her BFF’s texts from her ex.

Reader Mail: Beer is Beer Drink it Down N Shut Up

libatious_dude responds in yesterday’s Bud Light Lime thread:

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my god u know your a bunch of losers right? this site alone is sad enough but now you losertards r sittin round talkin bout how beer is “douchey” wtf c’mon thts jus pathetic beer is beer drink it down n shut up unless u aint man enough to commit to the fact ur so insecure u dont think youd hav the confidence to order a beer with lime in at a bar hah i believe that!
—–

The real question is if we man enough to add punctuation and capital letters. For that would make us the proverbial shizz.

Honorary Douchebeer of the Month: Bud Light Lime

While we’re giving out Monthlies, it’s time to hand out this well deserved honorarium to the douchiest alcoholic beverage to target fourteen year olds since the Zima non-craze of the early 90s.

And I’m including the odious Smirnoff Ice.

Bud Light Lime. For when putting a lime in your beer is too much effort.

Back when HCwDB was only months old, in late 2006, the ad agency team that ran one of the Bud Light campaigns, big fans of the site (and legitimate ‘bag hunters who may still mock among us), were the first group to try to option HCwDB. They wanted to produce a series of ad campaigns for Bud Light with HCwDB as their framework for the campaign. But the Bud executives nixed the deal. They thought the site was too “angry” and that the word “douchebag” could never be said on T.V.

Here’s to you, Beer Executive Geniuses.

Your pandering to the lowest common denominator offends none, and entertains very little. But your beer is always whale piss.

Tough Guy Chase Finds Boobies

After the last couple of days of Monthly winners and the return of Fish Slap and Smoot, we need to dial it down a bit with some average real world HCwDB.

Tough Guy Chase isn’t uberdouche, but he is real world clubscrote. Chin pubes. Gangsta glare. Sleeve tatts.

Keep overpayin’ for bottle service, Tough Guy Chase. Surely your MMA managing career will take off one of these days.

And Angelica’s boobies are very, very, very round. I title them “The Trip to Bounciful.”

Brothabag Edgar is a Monthly Winner. And Orange.

Brothabag Edgar wanted to drop by, mack on Lisa and Orangify himself, only further confusing any gender, racial, sexual or ethnic classifications that the bourgeoise attempt to place on his protean identity.

HCwDB of the Month: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn

This was a legitimately close three way split vote, with both D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny, and Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie, almost pulling out the upset. But in the end, Edgar and Josslyn’s run was too pure cut hottie/douchey to ignore.

Check the evidence: Brobag Edgar and Josslyn #2, #3, Edgar and Josslyn who may not be Josslyn , #4, purple kissy lips, Experimenting With Plaid and Brothabag E and the Ladiez.

Quite the run of taint. The voters speak:

Guns-n-Douches: Chinstrap, guyliner, blowout, kissylips, iPhone self portrait, orangy-glow, purple lipgloss, drawn on eyebrows and for the love of god, makeup. Yep, I bet Edgar rocks some base… and not the musical kind. Therefore Edgar gets a head of the class 9. Josslyn and might-be-Josslyn are hot, but not double T hott. Bartender who hates her dad is a hott no doubt. So, hott multiplier =3. Edgar throws down a 27, kicking all other nominees asses and getting my vote for the monthly.

C.G.: i don’t care how hard the other ‘bags have tried because Brothabag has his f-ing forehead shaved a quarter of an inch. he essentially framed his ugly face with pubey-beard hair to match the McBrow and the amber-alert mustache that subtly accents his DSLs.

Anonymous: EDGAROHSWEETGODMAKEITSTOP

scrotum pole: I’d gladly live out the rest of my days in a formaldehyde-laden FEMA trailer, subsisting entirely on salmonella-infected eggs and Mountain Dew, if I could briefly fondle a Zip-Loc baggie containing the dog excrement left on the lawn in front of Josslyn’s house.

Bag Margera: Brothabag edgar is the epitome of all that is wrong in the world of womanly bad decisions.

boatbutter: There can be no otha, but Brotha.

Douchey Lewis and the News: Brothabag Edgar FTW. Thanks New Jersey, your journey towards the dark side is complete.

Wheezer: Edgar’s need for hair and other manscaping products has created the world’s 19th largest economy.

Chaz: Gotta go with Edgar for the thinnest moustache this side of John Waters.

SonnyChibaChoad: BrothaBag Edgar FTW….flagged for excessive trips to the John/Photo-booth with the bleeths

Condouchious: I’m casting my vote and a finger wag of shame for the swirling cesspool of ambiguity that is Brothabag Edgar. I don’t know if he’s actually a brotha (maybe Hispanic or Filipino?), gay (not that there’s anything wrong with that), or even a dude. I’m not even sure his hotts are of legal age. But one thing is very clear: Brothabag Edgar is pure kissy face, gelled up douche.

Douche-a-lot: And on the sixth day, God created Brothabag Edgar, and when he looked down upon his creation he pouted and made kissy lips. Can anyone stop the Edgarbag?

Sorta Damocles: Josslyn looks like the neighbor who took my virginity and hates her parents. Edgar & Josslyn FTM.

Mr. Scrotato Head: in the words of the old Baghunter spiritual, “Peed at last, peed at last, Thank God almighty, in a horse’s butt we have peed at last.” Brothabag Edgar FTW, African-American hopes for a brighter tomorrow for the loss.

Medusa Oblongata: Brothabag Edgar FTW, girlish innocence lost to gel-caked hands and my faith in youth FTL.

Amerigo Vesdouchey: As Paul wrote to the Babylonians: Tread thee with head hung low uponst the douchey path to fiery damnation.

Wedgie: I will vote for my brotha from anotha motha. Mostly because I can’t grow a cool chin strap, my beard makes me look like a fuccen terrorist.. And I hate shaving. And the fuccen blades cost more than a good bottle of booze, even at Costco.

The Brothabag and Barely Legal Josslyn may have won, but it was a close vote. Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie came close to pulling off the epic upset on the power of groin veins and female buttitude:

Deltus: all other choadstains are weaksauce in the onslaught that is Ted’s GSR’s unholy vein display. That and the rest of his adoucherements? Fuggedaboudit. Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie FTW.

DarkSock: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie for the win, and by “win” I mean live oak root field for a groin.

army (ret) douche: I was really hopping for some competition in the monthly. Scrolling through the pics I noticed the farther I got the more powerful the foul smell. Until finally I reached Edgar… For he is truely worthy of an apearance at the 2010 douchies. That is where the competition really counts, as it will be a terrible blow to the mock should a boarderline stage 3 take home a coveted golden douchie.

Plowboy: It takes years of devotion to scrotology to get your body-fat index dipping below 1% thereby revealing subcutaneous details of the body that would make the publishers of Grey’s Anatomy (the book, not the show) drool.

The Reverend Chad Kroeger: Tendon Ted for breaking all of Moses’ laws.

McBagsworth: Edgar, Jerzy, and Andrew are all “fair-weather ‘bags.” Ordinarily, one of them might win, but Tendon Ted’s dedication is terrifying. For Ted, ‘bagging is a full-time job, yo. That’s why his horrifying canvas/physique have to take the win.

RAPETIME: Tendon Ted and Annie for the win. They are society’s loss, a vacant black hole of endless days of dieting, flexing, posing, drinking and scenewhoring. They will die alone and unloved. Plus, here’s the kicker; I just can’t get past a pic of a guy who seems to have tree roots surgically implanted in his abdomen.

doucheywallnuts: He has chunks of lesser-douchebags like Edgar, Andrew’s Bro and DJ Jeez in his stool.

The Tendons of Doom were well worthy of the mock, and Ass Pear Annie is undeniably hott, even if stage-3 Bleeth. Another strong contender, DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky spun his two turntables and microphone, and Jenny smiled coquettishly:

chaserofthehott: I have to go for DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and my always lovely suckle they Jenny. Call me Jenny, I will allow you to bear my children. Trust me they will be beautiful, cause I make pretty babies.

UFO Destroyers: Gotta be D-Triple J and Jenny. The sheer pollution factor is high in all pics, but the innocence that is Jenny leads to a greater dichotomy in polluter versus pollutee.

Et Tu Douche?: I feel as though the term “Douchebag” is being thrown around, all to loosely these days, at anyone who comes off as annoying. However DJJJ & J encompass the ideology that is HCwDB. He is immediately what comes to mind when I think of “Douchebag” & Jenny is a Hott.

Elwood Blues: Brothabag “Heatmiser” Edgar has gone so douche-overboard that he’s using Pomade that fell from the Titanic.

ehcuodouche: As much as I do admire the Brothabag’s “skills”, I’m gonna go with the DJJJ for the monthly. Firstly, because I can’t look at that hat without running to the kitchen and making me some Jiffy Pop, and I love Jiffy Pop. Secondly, because Jenny is all that is right and good with the world.

Mr. White: I’m going to let the hotts decide it, and Jenny edges out Kaitlin. Kaitlin is flashing a douchebaguette hand sign of her own, which makes her fall far behind Jenny’s real world hottness. So based on chicks that I’m actually sad to see with douche, DJ Jerzy and Jenny FTW.

The D.J. and Jenny were a quality entry of poo, and will definitely be seen somewhere at the Douchie Awards in December. Poor Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn, douchey enough to make the Monthly, but no real shot at the yearly, coming in a distant fourth, but with supporters:

Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn for the win (loss). My reasoning is simple: there is a chance, however unlikely, that all of these douches have some redeeming quality of which we are unaware from seeing the photos alone, much like our dearly-departed Pumpie. But for Andrew’s Bro, there is no room for doubt: he is pure douche, and was turned in by his own grief-stricken family for it.

Business-Casual Douche: Andrew’s Bro has the potential for greatness. He reminds me of a young Lou Brock in terms of overall potential. Of course, Lou Brock went on to be a hall-of-famer while this guy’s hall of fame will either involve working in Daddy’s Insurance office after skating through college, or managing a White Castle in Gary, Indiana.

Andrew’s Bro made it as far as he could with some duped quality state school hotties, a coupla hand gestures and suburban entitlement. This was Edgar and Josslyn’s week to grease into the Yearly. Lets let Dex take us home:

Baghunters, do not be fooled into thinking that Edgar will simply go away if we ignore him. The hotts he snags have not the intellect to realize the sheer maliciousness of the contagion they allow to nuzzle them. We have a duty to make the world aware of this plague, and any of you who think that denying him his rightful place as Monthly winner, and hardcore contender for Yearly will cause him to fade might as well just go Tivo a bunch of Keystone Light commercials to watch on a loop. I can think of no better punishment. Edgar all the way.

Edgar and Joss may indeed go all the way. We’ll see them as one of our finalists for the HCwDB of the Year at the 2010 Douchie Awards in December. Well done voters. Now relax and meditate with a HoHo.

Fish Slap Supernova

This morning, Grooo. Now, Fish Slap.

Many thousands of douchebags hitting on hotties have passed through this site over the years.

But there is only one Fish Slap.

Older.

Baldier.

Pumped up like an inflatable douchewart.

Hitting on tiny bar hotties without pause nor pity.

The legends of ridiculous scrotal spectacle are legends for a reason. While others fade away in a haze of hangovers and credit card bills, the true uberdouches just keep upping their tatts/abs/stench to new levels.

Fish Slap is that legend.

A legend who scars society with toxic Groin Shave Reveal.

Ask DB1: Office Worker ‘Bags?

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DB1,

— Evil Devil Cuckoo of Anti-Douche

—–

What you’re describing, EDCoAD, is “Performative Douchebaggery.” This is where ‘bag tagging roots in performance rather than body or clothing style.

Officebags most certainly exist, but are far more elusive to tag in the wild, and very difficult in pics. But no so difficult in pics of blondes with great smiles and gnawable shoulder suckle.

Library Hott Break

Because sometimes we need to take a break from all the ‘bag mocking/hot lusting in combo and just celebrate the mostly fictional and supremely illogical possibility of a woman like this having read a lot of books.

The Tater ‘Bag and Tonya

Tater ‘Bag is definitely toeing the Gaybag line with the pink hued sheer cling. And, as you know, we dismiss Gaybags from the douche-mock for posing no legit threat to the hott.

However I’m not sold on the Tater ‘Bag being Gaybag. Methinks this may be a variation of “Gaysquerade,” in which ‘bag imitates gay to score hott.

Mmmm… Tonya… your blank stare suggests a limited vocabulary, but your stretching exercizes on the beach forgive even your worst of credit ratings. I would slowly lather your middle toe with Vermont maple syrup and a sprig of melted sno-caps. And then we would watch reruns of MST3K on your iPad and you would yawn like a sailor.