Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Lumpy Professor

I haven’t seen an arm that lumpy since my ferret had lupus.

EDIT: And yes, it’s been officially confirmed that this is the douchebag side of our 2009 HCwDB of the Year winning couple, the powerhouse that is Smoot.

There are ‘bags who come and go. There are few legends who can pump up into this state of absurdity.

Joey The Orange Reveals Groin Shave Cataclysm

I almost didn’t have the cruelty to post this pic of Joey The Orange revealing his Groin Shave for the Judith Sisters at the Sorority Homecoming.

But then I realized that G.S.R. is the most toxic of ‘bag developments in 2010.

And, no matter how painful to the psyche or destructive to the spirit, we must witness hot chicks dealing with this crisis of modernity.

But to ask your forgiveness for forcing you to witness this transgression against God, Vishnu and Pastafarians everywhere, I offer you, not one, but two pears:

Moonlit Pear.
Suelyn Pear.

They are a mere temporary soothing balm on the cataclysm of poo unleashed by G.S.R. plague.

EDIT: Joey the Orange responds in the comments thread:

Haters.. they make me famous! =)

im actually a really nice guy.. had a great night.. glad i could contribute to this lame site .. have a nice day lol

Brothabag Edgar and His Ladiez Take the Early Lead

Will the Brothabag and his roster of hotties represent at the 2010 Douchie Awards? Or can Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie, Andrew’s Bro or the second place D.J. Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny catch up?

Vote now.

HCwDB of the Month

Bring it. Have some. Pie. Have some pie. Four couplings of hott and choad to make it this far. Only one may advance. Now it’s your turn to choose our next contestants at the 2010 Douchie Awards for HCwDB of the Year. Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn

Although the run with hotts is both impressive for its wide variety of hottness, and extreme display of suburban unemployed still-lives-with-mom doucheyness, it’s hard to say Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn aren’t longshots in the Monthly.

Still, it’s not outside the realm. And don’t underestimate the sympathy vote, since Bro was turned in by his Bro, Andrew. Witness the run: Brobag #2. Brobag #3 and Brobag #4.

Especially those saggy pants with ass bite in pic #2.

And Kaitlyn is what I like to call the Canadian Superwhite Teeth Hott. I don’t know what kinda flouride they put in the water in Canada, but their hotties have some of the whitest, strongest, most Aryan teeth I’ve ever seen. They are pure quality lickable teeth. And Kaitlyn may be obsessed with “The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo” because “Entertainment Weekly” said to be, but I wouldn’t judge her for that.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie

Tendon Ted is all that is pumped up, angry and Groin Shave Vein Revealed retched about Vegas Pumpdouche.

Ass Pear Annie shakes her moneymaker with fervent aplomb.

Together, they form a classic Vegas HCwDB combo, and would represent well in the Yearly.

And by represent well, I mean cause penguins to upchuck fishheads onto snowy frozen tundras.

And lets not forget Tendon Ted’s second appearance on the site, with Mutant Pea Nip Nathan and Sally.

That’s a strong two pic run. But enough to gain entrance to the yearly? Not if the next two couplings have any say about it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: DJ Jerzey Jackoffsky and Jenny

From Vegas roid douche we move to classic Clubland Choadscrote, in the visage of D.J. Jerzey’s toilette hatt and the sexy, sultry, amazingly chew shoulder meritocracy of Jenny.

He is all that is $1500 to play Gloria Gaynor at the Schmidt/Leopold wedding at the Holiday Inn off Route 9.

She makes your poopoo do the peepee dance. And that goes for you lady ‘bag hunters as well. For her smile bespeaks sunrises and rainbows and crack addled ferret hump

But is this a real coupling? Or was Jenny just passing the D.J. booth on her way to the bathroom to get away from her BFF’s hookup’s best friend’s unwanted advances after the MMA fight ended prematurely?

Lack of real coupling possibility always diminishes HCwDB affect on the psyche. So that could detract. And then there’s coupling #4:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: Brothabag Edgar and Josslyn

The favorites in the Monthly, but by no means a sure thing, Ambiguous Brothabag Edgar suggests Persian Blights by way of Let Your Soul Glo wrongness. Josslyn is barely legal temptation, but she will be a tempest in a teapot when she graduates college. Witness the run of Brothabag spectacle: Brobag Edgar and Josslyn #2, #3, Edgar and Josslyn who may not be Josslyn , #4, purple kissy lips and Experimenting With Plaid.

Yuchs.

That’s a spicey douchebag.

But then there’s the disturbing factor. Is Brothabag Edgar so noxious, so awful to contemplate, that voters will rebel, refusing to continue the mock simply so we never have to consider his reality as a semi-sentient being on this planet again?

On the Hott side of the ldget, Josslyn is a good girl, but is not the overwhelming sexy that we see in other pics. Does that detract?

Can the Brothabag who may not be a Brothabag take the prize?

Now I turn it over to you.

Vote for your douchiets/hottest coupling, as always, in the comments thread.

Douchebaggapalooza 2010

Remember the old children’s story, “Stone Soup?” It’s like that. Only with a jacuzzi, a ton of bodyspray, and the lip herp.

This really may be the worst series of moving images since the invention of the Zoopraxiscope. If the Lumière Brothers had seen this in 1895, they would’ve gone into dentistry.

Your Saturday Lipstick Tatt Douche and Perfect Hott Body

Somewhere, off in the distance, beyond the flatlands of Vegas where the mountains curve into the infinite, an ancient coyote howls. And a lone lizard takes a crap.

Friday Thoughts and Links

As Friday drifts into eve, and the notion of stupidheads who show their abs to every passing camera rattles through my subconscious, your humble narrator stares out at the muggy skyline of Los Angeles.

And watches as summer turns to fall.

By which I mean the temp goes from 80 to 77.

A crisp breeze brings with it the smells of desert cactii. And actor flopsweat desperation pretending to be sense memory. And directors bragging about movie deals at dinner parties.

Another day up in the canyons. Another night in Hollywood. Man, did that band suck.

Here’s your links:

HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Tofutti Break!

Neil Hardy can’t believe his urban cred hangin’ with the homies wasn’t enough to win him, and Des Moines’s finest barely legals, the HCwDB of the Week. Sorry, Neil. Maybe next time.

Jose Canseco stars in Hot Chick with Roidbag.

In tracing the early manifestations of the 1980s Grieco Virus, let us not forget the iconic proto-douche of animation fame, Gaston. And let us not forget the Palace with the Phallus. Or naked Jessica Rabbit. On frames 2170-2172 on side four of the laserdisc. In case you wanted to check.

Phil Davison really, really, really wants your vote.

Arthur C. Clarke sees the future. No mention of Perez Hilton or TMZ.

More nerd stuff: The Doctor Who theme via electrostatic charge.

In sad news, the great comedian Robert Schimmel died after a car accident last week at the age of 60. Here’s the great Mr. Schimmel in the 1980s Young Comedian’s Comedy Special. Like Kinison and Hicks, he was one of the 80s greats to leave us too soon.

From England, Lil’ Mac demonstrates how to be a ‘bagling with a British accent.

In weird strange randomness, here’s a pretty great urban art project animation. It’s my happening and it freaks me out!

Okay, enough weird-ass randomness. Here’s a double pear in hi-res that is surely worth a celebration of collective gnaw:

Barrel Pear.
Roadway Pear

Mmmm… it’s like two tiny orbs of fleshy planet grappling with the curvatures of space/time paradox.

Enjoy. Gnaw. For the weekend is upon.

Hipsterbag Michel Tries To do “The Shocker;” Fails

No Michel, it’s two fingers out, third finger folded, fourth finger calling the parents for rent/groceries cash help while couch surfing in the Mission District, but just until next month, when the art career will definitely take off.

Mocha Pear is curvy. I’d gnaw like a crabapple meeting a hungry crab.

“The Viriginity Hit:” Opens Today

Sony Pictures’ The Virginity Hit is sponsoring HCwDB all this month, show our supporters some love by checking out the site and the movie.

It opens today in “select theaters.”

I’ve always wanted to say that. “Select theaters.” Sort of implies the other theaters that aren’t showing the movie are lame and classless. Which, of course, they are.

Friday Haiku

Rusty, Plaid skulls, yo.
Like goth Alfred E. Newman,
Mona dreams of plants.

Morrie’s hanging loose
Mona’s drinkin’ the Goose
Damnit where’s the noose

— Eliza Douchecoo

Plaid Skull MacDouchgal
trolls the Glasgow bars, hoping
to blow some bagpipes.

— Wheezer

Culled from the headlines
Grease fueled explosion and fire
Don’t smoke near choads, kids

— Vin Douchal

Running mascara.
Trail of tears,
The wind & soul howls

— Et tu Douche?

With open eyes
You can stare into the face
Only a fist could love

— iDouche

Punk’s not dead, say some.
If Rusty represents it,
Maybe it should be.

— Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser

Suburban punk rock
Mommies credit card buys Jager
Angst without reason

— Battlescrote Gallactica

This here photograph
Took my creative juices
and stomped them to bits

— the douche is alright

Raven haired siren
Sucks the soul out of Rusty
She starves, he says “Grooo?”

— Mr. Scrotato Head