Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Joe Flannel and Francesca

Joe Flannel knows that Jesus died for Mayan tribal pec tatts.

Francesca knows that her revelation of The Holy Cleavite means free Cosmos.

Ted Tags a Wrestlerbag

—–
DB1,

– Ted
—–

You’ve tagged a standard stage-2 Wrestlerbag wannabe in the wild. Not overwhelmingly douchey, but enough to qualify for the mock. And the lady’s flip-band is, indeed, cocoa butter worthy.

No Performative Leniency Exemption here for the Wrestlerbag. Good tag, Ted.

The Gator Forever

HCwDB legends like The Gator don’t burn out. And they don’t fade away.

They just keep pulling A-List princess hotts like Maira. As they grow puffier and puffier.

EDIT: This may, in fact, not be The Gator (jury still out), in which case, I dub thee, “The Hatchling.”

Vegas Poo

Sometimes, when your humble narrator is too hungover to think of a clever nametag for our hottie/douchey commingle, it’s important we get back to the basics.

Like wearing drawstring pants.

And eating tasty Hostess products for breakfast.

And blaming your parents in therapy for selling BooBoo in that yard sale in ’89.

Vegas Poo is just such HCwDB basics.

A primary pic of three choads rubbing up on a curvy suckle thigh with softness in all the squeezable Charmin places. A second pic of even primary HCwDB coupling culled from the herd.

Back to basics. Vegas poo for your Thursday. Never grow jaded when facing the basics. Always bring the innocent eye of primary mock.

HCwDB of the Week: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn

The sentimental favorite of the ‘bag hunters, since it was a first person ‘bag tag (by Andrew, obvi), Andrew’s Bro may be bantha fodder in the Monthly, but he’s a well deserved Weekly winner. As is Kaitlyn Hott. For she is blondey yummy. Mmm. And don’t forget the run: Brobag #2. Brobag #3 and Brobag #4.

The voters speak:

DoucheBigue: Andrew’s BroBag FTW. It’s a close call between him (it?) and Nil Hardy. Both are annoying douchebags, but I feel that Nil Hardy is more of a mother’s-baby-spoiled-bag and that’s easier to ignore and self-absorb-pudwhck Brobag whom I’d like to slap in the face with that piece of plywood soaked in crude oil.

I R A Darth Aggie: Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn FTW. Mostly because it seems that he’s trying to reach into my soul and pollute it with Axe.

Blinded by the Shite: the effort show by Andrew’s Bro in his douchiness, Kaitlyn in her elbow-suckleness and Andrew in his, err, tagginess leaves me certain that I’ve made the right choice.

tall guy: AB’s Mark Of The Bag is the most luminescent I’ve seen for a while.

Douche Boyardee’s Cheese and Bagaroni: Gotta go with Andrew’s Bro. To mock the ones we care about in hopes of them seeing the errs of their way is true family love. That silly twat waffle needs to re-evaluate his life choices before Andrew takes matters in his own hands and neuters him in his sleep. Justifiably so.

Wheezer: This is our service to all young men and women of the world who are willing to turn in anyone violating the terms of good taste. But we’re going to leave it up to Andrew to help his bro step up his game for the Monthly (by supplying more douchey ass pics).

dbBen: I really feel like we can make a difference here. And that difference is killing the corporate branded faux jovialness that the brother of Andrew drinks like a liquid twinkie. Delicious.

Deltus: Gotta go with Andrew’s Bro and Kaitlyn. His face has the sneer of unearned entitlement that the other doucheknobs just don’t have. It makes me stabby.

MC 900 Foot Douchebag: Andrew’s Bro FTW. Guy was turned in by his own bro(ther) that tips the scale heavily in my mind.

Mr. Biggs: one of the qualities of a true douchebag is his “infectability” – meaning his ability to find glorious unspolied giggle hott and despoil it. Andrew’s bro has it in spades. And the sleazy taint in his eyes reveals true bag zen.

Amerigo Vesdouchey: There are three important reasons why I’m voting for Andrew’s Bro. First, as a lesson to all those who might be blinded to obvious douchery by family ties. Second, the mark of the ‘bag. Thirdly, Kaitlyn. Oh Kaitlyn.

Mr. White: Andrew’s Bro: He is glistening mark-of-the-bag pudwhackery, with a plaid visor as garnish. Two, possibly three of the girls he’s with are out of his league. His brother reported him. ‘Nuff said.

soy bomb: It’s a special case, with the younger brother outing him, and I feel something as powerful as that should be recognized.

Nicely tagged, team, and soy bomb is exactly right. Andy turned in his Bro for our help (mock). And rightly so. For his ladies are undeserved. It was pretty even voting, with Neil Hardy and Marsha’s faux wood paneling coming in a close second:

Wedgie: Neil Hardy FTW, and Gilligan wants his hat back.

SloppyJoe: Neil Hardy only owns one set of “cool clothes”. He saved up for 4 months at his Jimmy John’s delivery job to make that happen. He only busts them out on the weekends because his cousin said that washing the Ed Hardy shirts can make the sequins fall off, which is totally not cool.

Baleen: Neil Hardy ftw because his contributions to society include totaled Hondas and microwaving a mean hot pocket.

RAPETIME: Neil Hardy. Like any member of the proletariat, he is trying the least and yet getting the most. Barely legal indeed. I tip my hat to you, good sir Hardy, by which I mean I fap weakly to the pictures of your 17-year old kegger attendees and then fall down weeping.

broseph12: Neil Hardy for the win of course – hanging with hot barely legals looking like a total tool

Architeuthis Douche: The Hardy boy looks autistic and is still dressed up like that. I don’t know whether to blame him or whomever dressed him, but someone is responsible for this sin.

Bob Mcadouche: Have to go with Neil Hardy. Because we haven’t seen a wankster midwest choad represent for quite a while.

ElderDouch: Neil Hardy and Marsha Hott FTW. That hat alone gies it to him.

The hat is indeed mockworthy, ElderD. ‘Bagling Neil nearly pulled it off. And in third, but also with solid support, The Breaker Morans and Zebra Hott’s arse:

Crocodile Dun Douche: Jesus bling shorts, some sort of wrist cuff leather thing, the derp smile, that suggests some sort of early life lobotomy. And then theres Jennifer Love Hewitt hott in the middle… I’ll whisper to her ghost, then run when after she claims to have contacted the other side but really she’s called the police on me.

Dicy: In basing this all on the hotts and going with the Breaker Morans and Dolla hotts. Mmmmm nom nom nom!

End the Haberdouchery: A Burberry baseball hat and a Coach bucket hat are the pinnacle of crappy-looking, overpriced accessories, with the possible exception of a Kardashian sister.

mr.reeve: Dolla Hotts FTW. Because Zebra Bikini Hott has a fantastic arse. She is all that is right about HCwDB. She makes mocking these pictures tolerable and worth while.

Eliza Douchecoo: Morans FTW. That hair, that hair, I went to the mall this weekend with the wife and wanted to punch so many dudes in the face with hairstyles like this

Jacques Doucheteau: I just want to kick their ass for that hair. Hell, I want to kick their hair’s ass for that hair.

Douchey Lewis and the News: The Breaker Morans FTW. Anyone who takes 3 hours to get dressed up for the beach is an auto wank.

Vin Douchal: Zebra Hips is HoH , my friends. All these douchebags are equal, Zebra puts her group of ants over the other cock-a-roaches.

Zebra Hips offer glorious fondle sunrises and taut, shining seas of golden boing. But this was Brobag and Kaitlyn’s week to bring even more shame to Canada. Lets let Condouchious take us home:

I’m voting for Andrew’s Bro for one reason – his own brother is calling him out. This is based more upon potential and/or unseen douchiness, but I imagine the level concern must be high for one to turn on his or her own family. Either there’s unspeakable baggery not documented in the photos provided or Andrew can sense that the Grieco virus has mutated and is taking over at an accelerated rate. Andrew reached out to us because he doesn’t want to be the Michael to his brother’s Fredo, and that’s commendable.

And lets not forget Kaitlyn, Condy. She is a tasty dish of confused late teens. We’ll see Andy’s Bro and Kaitlyn on Monday in the HCwDB of the Month, where they stand no chance of winning. And now I get Honey Combs.

Trojan Horace

Trojan Horace knows what the Betty Bikini Hott and her older but still cute BFF Belinda need.

And what they need, is head gnaw.

The Kleenex Mafia “Elevate the Party Experience”

It’s like watching a fascinating pilot for a compelling show about engaging, interesting people, if it were neither fascinating, nor compelling, and not featuring any engaging or interesting people.

The ‘Baggle Axe Trading Card

HCwDB’s own Battlescrote Gallactica has taken inspiration from an old Garbage Pail Kids card to create a tribute to HCwDB near-monthly-winner The Baggle Axe.

Excellent work, B.G. A brilliant mock.

A few years ago, the great Jean Claude Van Douche similarly created a number of HCwDB Trading Cards, including The Oompa Prompa, The Ghoulbag and a brilliant one for The Gator that I can’t find because I’m a technical luddite (A URC of ‘Train to the first ‘bag hunter who links to it).

Have a fun HCwDB photoshop idea?

Create it and send it on in to HCwDB, and you could win… a new car!*

* New car not included.

Ursula Chooses Poorly

Really, really poorly.

And now she smells like gouda.

The Abercrombag

Mellonic potato head pudster pollutes pool area while Clarissa’s curves inspire Grey’s Papaya to create a new juice in her honor.

Yup.

No idea what I’m saying.

It’s early. I blame the tasty box of Malomars I ate last night while watching TiVo’d Children’s Hospital.

Mmm… Clarissa. I would swan dive through a pool of helium afflicted angry crustaceans just for the chance to sniff the sweat-infused towelette left behind after you had to go really bad at a neighborhood Denny’s.