Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ask DB1: Ed Hardette

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Dear DB1,

-A Wondering HCWDB Lurker
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Lurker, if you aren’t worried by now, then you’ve learned nothing from all your time spent in meditative repose and academic study here at HCwDB.

She is far gone past the point of recoverable Bleeth stages. Dump her immediately. Then ask out her sweeter, less douchey roommate. While hitting on the roommate may appear to be douchey behavior in and of itself, it is not. It is an effort to save those hotts that can still be saved.

Dave Templescrote Bothers Lori

Dave almost got away with a nottadouche.

But sometimes the ‘bag signifiers can be as small as twin douchey two-inch racing stripes carved upon one’s temple like a Mayan alter to the ancient god Scrotolaurus.

Mmmm… Lori. Tight red dress and giggle hott tautness. Add in some weird, dated 80s hat that’s reminding me of Laura San Giacomo from Sex, Lies and Videotape, and I would suckle gnaw like feral hamster.

Coupling After the Douchepocalypse

There will be little salvagable if the great, coming Douchepocalypse overtakes the world, and we ‘bag fighters lose in our mission quest.

A world of eternal club techno. Where asswipes with tribal tatts roam shirtless and free, with retro 80s boombox “ironic” bling around their necks.

Hitting on skanky and long lost former hotties, now far too Bleethy to save.

Is this a vision of Douchemas future? Or Douchemas that only might be?

We must fight on, regardless.

Duperman Voted

Not actually powerful superhero non-legend, Duperman, (special skill set is breathing oxygen and asking parents for cash) took time off from showing off his leggings and neck tatt (where he draws his douchey non-powers) to bother Catherine and vote in the HCwDB of the Week.

Was that a run-on sentence?

Have you voted yet?

HCwDB of the Week

We’re gearing up for one of the last slots in the Yearly before the 2010 Douchie Awards begin in December. Here’s your noms:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: Pistachio Pavel and Stephanie

Before you dismiss Pistachio Pavel as just a mentally challenged Eurocrud with a shaving fetish, I direct your attention to the greasy hint of ‘stache.

Not a mustache.

A pistache.

Add in frosted tips, general creepy aura and toxic orangeness, and we have a Weekly ‘bag.

On the hott side, the tiny nosed Nordic beauty of Stephanie (pronounced “Stef-an-yae”), whose taut boobonic curves cause sparrows to fly into helicopter blades.

Together, they made a solid Europoo entry and a push for the Weekly.

But they’re not there yet. Up next:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Maximilian Smell and Kaylie and Heather

With an odorous multiple run with varying assorts of hot chicks both Vegas inflatable quality, milfy semi-quality and, well, not so quality, Maximilian Smell has Jerzified the Weekly.

But working against this pic is Max’s happiness and general joy with life’s rewards.

Within his own paradigm, his own pedagogy, Max Smell has found a way of being that is entirely and holistically consistent.

Can we therefore judge him as a douchey pudwhack?

Yes. Yes we can.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Teddy Douchechamp and Alyssa

We first met Alyssa when her boobies were being studied for their ability as an alternate source of green energy in the powering of Priuses.

And by green energy, I mean I slapped a hobo and asked for change.

The question here in the Weekly is that while Alyssa clearly qualifies for gnaw-shoulder status, does Teddy Douchechamp rise (sink) to weekly mock status?

Chin pubes, tude and flowery douchey-ass sleeve tatts, yes, but is it enough?

Does his general disregard for 5,000 years of human accomplishment make you want to flick a puppy in the nads?

Because this is a two week baglog of pics (due to the Monthly), we have many (dis)honorable mentions, including DJ the Taint, Assface McReynolds, Kal Armstrong, The Silver Shmoes, Hipsterbag Topher, Morty McSwag and Jessica Simpson Hott, and on the hott side, Pap Pap’s Lil Girl and Caroline.

But you only get to three to choose from.

Which of these three couples deserves the first slot in our next HCwDB of the Month?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

Douchebags of the Living Dead

With Halloween fast approaching, and strangely predating last week’s link to the quasi HCwDB porn parody, here’s a flashback to HCwDB’s own Baron Von Goolo and his brilliant 2008 “Douchebags of the Living Dead” exhibit (changed in the ad to “Spring Break of the Living Dead” because of uptight local T.V. puds).

No More “HCwDB Not Quite After Dark”

The lady from Wednesday’s “HCwDB Not Quite After Dark” writes in:

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please remove my picture that i did not give you permission to put up.

Thankyou
— Loventhesurf
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Yourwelcome.

Perhaps you’ll change your mind by Toosday?

Friday Thoughts and Links

If there’s one thing we’ve learned in all our many years of hottie/douchey travels, it’s that hitmen gangstas always pattern coordinate pants with hat.

The real reason for posting this pic? Caroline’s lithe and tasty youthful harmonic boobie curvage of suckle thigh mastication.

I would bungee jump through a mist of helium filled jellyfish just for the chance to almost catch a wad of chewed bubblegum she spit out of a nearby helicopter.

And while I didn’t catch it, I’m pretty sure it was Juicyfruit. No, Big Red.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Halloween Costume Pick of the Week: Just Add Hot Chick.

Greatest YouTube xBox clip of all time: “F@#k you, Gumby!”

Speaking of sports fans, one thing the Yankees continue to lead the league in: Douchey Fans.

And in other sports news, here’s yet another reason why Shaq rules. Kobe, however, is still a douche.

More from England’s hipster backlash.

Ass Pear La Plante: The Movie

Or just enjoy some Mad Men Pear. (and no, they’re not your official pear, just your appeartizers)

The Onion with a quality riff on Sorority Woo Hotties.

The Contrarian tracks all the Douchebaggy Ghost Hunters running around on the teevee these days.

Here’s the goofiest congressional candidate since fratdouche Ben Quayle got outed as a co-founder of “The Dirty” (and still might be elected). I don’t like to stereotype entire states, but non-Austin Texas may be the most culturally worthless area of land since Mitch and Murray sold the last of the Glen Ross Estates.

Okay, here it is. You’ve been good. You’ve waited:

Yoga Pear.

Enjoy. Chomp. Meditate. Drink alcohol. For the weekend is here.

Jeff Reed Parties with John Largeman

Yeah yeah, I know you’re just killin’ time until I serve up some Pear.

But Friday Thoughts and Links aren’t for another coupla hours. And I’m just about outta quality HCwDB pics for the week. So we’ll make due with some classic sportsbaggery, Pittsburgh Steelers kicker and allaround toolscrote, Jeff Reed.

Your pear is a-comin’. Don’t you worry.

Uncle Henry’s Nephew is a Douche

Sorry Uncle Henry.

I realize you’re recently divorced and looking to mack on the Lake Havasu Ladies now that you bought a motorboat as you attempt to cling to your long faded youth.

But your nephew, Brook, ain’t gonna help you out with that, Uncle Henry.

For he is twatwaffle.