Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB: The Porn Parody

This site’s pop culture impact is complete when the porn industry is doing quasi-HCwDB adult film parodies.

“There’s Dane Cook!” for the glorious win.

(clip is work-safe)

Is She Really Going Out With Him? (Season Three)

Check it.

Starts November 1st on MTV.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Ah yes, the marking of one’s forearm to announce identity and impress the Blondie Hotts.

D.J. culture. Where turning on iPods while standing on a dais earns $1,500 a night.

And so we announce with pride in permanent ink that which is culturally transitory and ephemeral.

Hence, “DJ the Saint.”

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: How’s your wife and my kids?

Darth Maul wears Affliction. Call it the Jedi ‘Bag Trick.

Ubiquitous Red Cups, following the Axe Bodyspray and Jersey Shore self-aware douchebaggery strategy, find new ways to market themselves. And set up a Facebook thing.

Harry Potter Groin Un-Shave Reveal. Should I go for the obvious?… I supposed I should… More like “Hairy Putter!” I hate myself.

Ya gotta sit through a few commercials first, but this episode of “Bones” on Hulu, entitled “The Maggots in the Meathead,” does a beautiful job mocking douchebag (look for the Jesus Bling in the opening sequence and a brilliant ‘bag takedown at 5:25-7:25).

More signs we’re losing the war: “The Situation” continues to cash in.

The response:

The Jersey Shore RPG Game.

With the start of basketball season, it’s time for our annual reminder that the NBA’s Chris Anderson is a shrieking pile of skeezy white trash douchewad. “Free Bird”? Really?

Someone named “Aaron Carter,” whom the reader who submitted this link tells me was once minimally famous, is now posting pics of himself as a greased up musclebag.

In the news: Superdouchey aspiring “rock band” shuts down the 101 freeway in Los Angeles in desperate attempt to gain fame. Zero Rockstar Leniency Rule for this shite.

But you are not here just to mock Chris Anderson and douchey metal bands. You are hear for Pear. It is your reward. For another week of bringing the mock. And here it is:

Bike Pear.

I would pedal uponst thine glutes like a cracked up ferret chasing a cube of government cheese.

Morty McSwag

If there’s one thing Morty learned in all his years on the Brooklyn Sanitation Department payroll, it’s that when choosing a tattoo, always make sure you have a matching shirt.

Shiny Jessica Simpson is either Jessica Simpson or a Jessica Simpson wannabe. Either way, boobs.

Smarmy Neil Gets Lucky

I almost wanna give Neil a nottadouche.

Sure Neil’s wearing classic ‘bag ‘beater and busting hand gesture #19.

But the look in his eyes betray the knowledge that scoring Freshman Hott Shannon in the cocktail dress is more good karma than his ancestors have earned.

Friday Haiku

Pap Pap’s Lil’ Girl,
Chooses life of selling pear,
To Sleazy Ryder.

Eyes Wide Shut Hott finds
Guy more douchey than Tom Cruise:
Mission Possible.

— Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser

Two more months stripping
Will have enough saved up to
Finish glute implants

— Vin Douchal

Barry drops 2 Large
For the chance to pose with Hott
Two months Kmart pay!!

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Did Pap Pap tap tap?
She makes me wanna fap fap;
safer than clap clap.

— Wheezer

Pap Pap’s Salty Tears
Can’t Wash Away Stench Of Her
Mom and Dad’s Failure

— MC 900 Foot Douchebag

Winter is looming.
Business not booming. John
Boy saves for his tatt.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

“Grunge is still valid!”
Insists flannel-wearing choad
Gosh it’s hot in here.

— Douche Wayne

When your forearm tatt
Is how you identify
Your life is empty

— Mr. Scrotato Head

HCwDB on Black Velvet

Now, for only three easy payments of $19.95, you can own your very own HCwDB oil painting!

Hanging beautifully over your fireplace, or in your den, this mass produced artwork is a surefire conversation starter. Now you can dazzle your guests with hottie/douchey artwork for years to come!

And, if you’re one of the next twenty callers, we’ll even through in a free crotch rash! That’s a $9.99 value, your for free, just pay shipping, handling and Valtrex subscription.

Order now!

1-888-BAG-ITCH.

Ask DB1: Glenn Danzig?

—–
DB1,

-Onan the Barbarian

—–

Rockstar Leniency Rule applies only in allowing leeway for on-stage performative spectacle. It does not forgive off-stage scrote-assery. For instance, Gene Simmons in Kiss, Steven Tyler or Keith Richards do not get branded ‘bag for their spectacles, as it is part of the performative realm.

But John Mayer, far less douchier of clothing, qualifies for harboring the soul of a complete and total ‘bag.

Danzig is consistent to his world, has legit cred from his early days with the Misfits, and hasn’t created any douchey/slutty reality shows (see Michaels, Bret) or appeared on TMZ hitting on starlets. For that, he gets a Rockstar Leniency Rule excemption and a full nottadouche.

Doughy McWade

Yechhhh, that Gator pic below is starting to scald my eyeballs, so lets dial things back down to some real world Barclownery and multichick hottness.

Doughy McWade is your standard blowpud. Not much to add.

But I see you, Jenny Brunette on the left. Your eyes sparkle with innocence and a touch of fear. And for that, I spank your bottom with a Kenner Boba Fett action figure.

The Gator Transcends

Douchebag Emeritus, The Gator, does not need no hot chick anymore.

For The Gator now transcends mere HCwDB douchebaggery.

The Gator is a force beyond pumped up artifice, societal talking-point or human winkydink. The Gator is an H.R. Giger inspired abstract alienation of corporeal landscape.

But since this toxic singularity is too much to witness for even the most experienced ‘bag hunter, have some surf pear.