Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Got Jayson?

For Kelly, the pickings are slim in Scottsdale.

But that’s still no excuse.

HCwDB After Dark

The comments threads are light today, and that makes your humble narrator sad and lonely.

So I sit on my stained rug on my floor.

And I scratch.

And I crack a bottle of ‘Dog.

And I step out onto the veranda to slap one of the wild pelicans attempting to steal a fig newton left over from last night’s festivities. Stupid wild pelican. Fig Newtons are people food.

Maximilian Smell

Maximilian Smell knows what brunette giggle hotties like Kaylie and Heather love.

And what Kaylie and Heather love is the smell of sweat, Old Spice and Bud Light Lime.

‘Baggy Pants: A Scientific Explanation

We interrupt your regularly scheduled HCwDB mocking/oggling with an important scientific update.

‘Baggy Pants douchewalk can now be explained.

Either click on the pic, or click here for a diagramic explanation.

Jigsaw Steve Voted

Still reeling from not making the HCwDB of the Week simply on the power of hottie nuzzle and douchey arm tatt, Jigsaw Steve is still being a good sport, dropping by and voting.

And by voting, I mean making Sophie’s dad cry into his gin martini for the inescapable realization of his many failures in his role as a father.

HCwDB of the Week

It’s a Fungtastic Weekly, three selections of facial crud cohabiting with hottie suckle thigh for your perusal. Which will win/lose? Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #1: The Crustie Brothers and Karen and Sue

From Tuesday’s “Ask DB1” on suburban divorcees dating aging suburban douchepuds, The Crustie Brothers are all that is middle management in Decatur.

With choady greasebags and tasty Asian/Indian world cuisine suckle thigh, this is one of those HCwDB pics which offers ethereal dialectic and the wafting smell of poopie diaper.

But rarely do pics that split the bags/hotts into more than a simple binary take the prize.

Can the Crustie Bros bring oldbag game to the victory?

Can Karen and Sue successfully ignore my staring at them stalkeringly at the D.M.V. while waiting to register their Audi?

Only time will tell.

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #2: Skulltatt Sammy and Party Girl Ashley

Perhaps this vegas HCwDB pairing should’ve gotten a more unique entry last week (as well as vaccinations), as they appeared in the Friday Thoughts and Links post.

But Skulltatt Sammy is all that is classic Vegas douchecrud, and Party Girl Ashley is wearing a silk lingerie getup. At the pool. Upon which spittle and drool are attracted like romanian tractor beam.

For that, the hottie/douchey cohabit is too toxic to ignore.

Truthfully, this is one of those pics that made it more on the strength of the hott than anything else. Ashley has the supple-firm skin of a newborn doe. A doe with humpty hump.

Does Sammy have enough to carry the ‘bag side of the equation to victory/loss in the Weekly?

Do not ignore the skull stupidtatt and designer black cap. But no hat tilt? Can Sammy’s “douche aura” prove enough?

But there’s one more finalist to consider:

HCwDB of the Week Finalist #3: Itchigan and Bouncy Diana

The Itchigan ‘Bag, or “Itchigan’s Island,” if you will, was another entry that didn’t receive his moniker upon first appearing on HCwDB, appearing in the Ask DB1 on Relationship ‘Bags.

Itchigan is classic Boatbaggery, and Diana is all that is giggly about not finishing a G.E.D. but not caring because, hey, boobs uber alles.

Together, they make a quality hottie/douchey boat poison that deserves anger from all who witness.

But enough to knock off Oldbaggery and Vegas crud?

Triple-F just couldn’t make the cut, as Alison’s not really bringing A-List Hott game. But those chin fungal stripes and silly sunglasses are just too douchey to ignore and we may see a 2010 Douchie Award in his future.

(Dis)honorable mention to Snidely Liprash, Fung Diddy, Jigsaw Steve, and the continuing genius of Kettlehead and Company, whose latest entry most definitely will find favor when culling down my gallery show at the Guggenheim in 2023.

Which of these three couplings has the greatest meaning of hottie/douchey societal disgrace?

Vote, as ever, in the comments thread.

England Mock the Hipsterbag

“We all play synth” for the glorious win.

Your Saturday Triplefung

With all the troubles in this world, sometimes you just gotta say, “what the heck?” And go a full triple chinpube.

Friday Thoughts and Links

‘Bags and Hotts float through our collective unconscious like phantasms of spectral toecrud.

It is Freud’s primal scene, the words of corporeal wrongness written on the facebook walls. And twitterbook halls.

The echo in the sound of douchebag.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.”

Miami club owner hoping that the sports fan ‘bags won’t realize it’s a recession, that $15,000 for a cabana and champagne is asstastic, and that hi-def TVs are quite cheaply priced these days.

Billy the Exterminator continues to terrorize small woodland creatures with extreme douchebaggery.

Australia’s wonderful successful victory in the War against Ed Hardy didn’t come without significant financial costs.

Via Reader Joe comes this week in Retro HCwDB: 1959’s Edd Byrnes and Connie Stevens.

For the sports fans among us, baseball’s Bryce Harper busts a douchey-ass faux/mo’.

Ed Hardy pizza boxes. And the baby Cthulhu weeps.

Tapout Clothing, official brand of wannabe M.M.A. douchebags everywhere, attempts to challenge Ed Hardy and Affliction dominance by training the next gen of ‘baglings.

And if that was too much of a downer for ya, there’s always this.

But enough Roddy genius. You’ve come for the pear. And I give you the pear.

Cruise Ship Pear.

Globby bread glute. Enjoy. Celebrate. For it is Pear.

Lauren and Rachel Choose Poorly at the Dartmouth Freshman Mixer

But, in their defense, Lauren’s had a thing for Top Gun glasses since she was six.

Actually, that’s no defense at all. Someone call their R.A.