Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

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Cynthia’s “Ferrari Owner With Small Peen Detector” never failed her when funds were low.

The King Gets Fondled

As Scott, the reader who submitted this ‘tag of the King observes, tagging King Douchuous the IV douching it up in presence of hot chick is like “tagging an elephant on safari.”

So true, Scott. So true

For when you’re the King, the spike party never stops.

Until you turn 30. And Logan Five and the rest of the Sandmen begin to hunt you down.

Grampa Joel Wins

There are oldbags like Marvin, from yesterday, whom we mock for trying to douche it up like the kids.

And then there’s Grandpa Joel.

Who wins.

Because he’s still out there.

Hell, he’s still alive and lovin’ boobies. Have a full and complete nottadouche pass, Grampa Joel. Go in peace, and may your Metamuscil be fast acting.

The Waterbug

Continuing our recent theme of douchebags and hot chicks in the pool, meet The Waterbug.

Your typical fifth year Senior at a non-accredited university on spring break, scooping up Tasty Tonya in the pool, while wearing the unforgivable “hat + sunglasses + Jesus Bling in a swimming pool” choadwankery.

Still, The Waterbug would only be on the middle end of the douche scale. A stage-2 or 3-er.

But then he had to go and give us the tongue.

Tasty Tonya is a glorious doe eyed and firm gluted minx that deserves better.

And by better, I mean me, slavishly tickling her uvula with a pinky toe while the soundtrack to Twin Peaks plays at quarter speed.

He Is Not The Greatest

Rare do we get the chance tag a clubtaint purely on the douchetributes, and without so much as a glimpse of douche face.

Franju is that clubtaint.

This faceless ball itch could even win a Weekly with such a pileup of scrotal cloth.

Jersey Jenny has plenty of ‘tude, but against my better judgment I would still offer to lick her kneecaps like an unfed giraffe at a war-torn Bosnian zoo.

Darth Gayder

He’s definitely not your father, Luke.

Party Dad Marvin Relives His Youth

Marvin looks like he’s probably the nice kind of dad. The kind that took you for ice cream along with his son after soccer practice.

So what the hell is Marvin doing douching it up Vegas style in the pool with Gnaw Party Melinda? Bling, sunglasses and, worst of all, Michelob Ultra?

Marvin is Oldbag. The signifiers are unforgivable.

In fact I think Harold’s priest from “Harold and Maude” needs to make the final statement on this pic.

HCwDB of the Week: Carla and The Bros ™

Carla’s sexy/porny Vegas boobuousness mixed with the tri-shirtless douchebaggery of The Bros ™ would’ve been enough to have a shot at winning a Weekly on its pure hottie/douchey visceral merits.

But then, in the comments thread, Sabio and The Bros ™ responded to HCwDB with an explosion of diarrhetic douche-speak.

We quickly discovered we’d inadvertently tapped into a fertile vein of Canadian Paid-to-Douche twatwaffle.

And by fertile vein, I mean face penii.

So for the douchey Sabio and his team of twatedness, and for Carla’s boobery, a well deserved HCwDB of the Week and slot in our next Monthly.

With appearances by HCwDB legends like The Starhawk, King D and 4 Prong, last week also featured The Ninja in the Picture accompanied by Hall of Scrote legend, Cro ‘Bagnon.

(Dis)honorable mention also goes to Prinze and Jessica, who nearly won the whole enchilada.

But them’s your third Weekly winner. A mock well deserved to Sabio and his Bros ™, to Carla and her tastyness, and the DB1 for Corn Pops.

“I Lift Things Up and Put Them Down”

One of the more enjoyable local ads I saw while I was in New York over the holidays.

Your Saturday Disembodied Floating Yankee Douchecap

Sometimes the Douchal Signifiers begin to move completely on their own.

Witnessing such a moment is often referred to in South America as witnessing the “Doucheacabra.”