Monday, January 17, 2011

    “The Ninja In the Picture” Responds to HCwDB’s Hatters

    Last week’s Yo Guy Says “Yo!” responds to the Hatters:

    —–
    THE NINJA IN THE PICTURE said…

    First off….. F#ck all of yall, you can kiss my asian ass, dont be hatin because you could never find girls like my friends to even give you the time of the day….. f#cking losers find something better to do besides sitting on the computer to looking to find some hot girls to jack off too….. Same goes to the mother f#cker that created this website, you lame f#ck!!!.
    I live in Austin TX, come find me and hurtle a fist towards your face!!!

    ——-

    In High School, I almost set the school record for the fifty yard Hurtle A Fist Towards Your Face. But at the last minute, the East German judge disqualified me for trying to find some hot girls to jack off too.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, January 17, 2011

    HCwDB of the Week: The Stay Puft Pantywankers

    Undies poke, Jesus bling, chin fung and stupid hair. On the flip side, boozy, collegiate making-bad-choices Arizona State woo slutty hotts who slur their words, drink too much, but are healthy and firm when it counts.

    Not a perfect hottie/douchey dialectic, by any stretch, as they are pretty much made for each other, but a qualifying combo of douchetributes and boobies, and, thus, a Weekly Winner.

    While I almost gave it to Douchey Juan and Monica for the tasty hott but strangely dressed Monica, Juan just wasn’t douchey enough to carry it.

    Last week featured some quality Guggenheim material for my inevitable art show in 2023. And also some top shelf collegiate sorority gnaw. But Classic Vegas pudscrape and Arizona State Woo Slutty Hotts are a classic combo for the win (loss).

    (Dis)honorable mention to the oldbags of Billy and Willy, and Quartasian Sara also makes my tingleys feel jibbly.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Sunday, January 16, 2011

    Infecting the Children

    Like Dr. Jeckyl, Dr. Frankenstein and Dr. Phil before me, I face the tragic irony of having had the noblest of intentions in my work, but facing the tragic byproduct of having unleashing on society a toxic cowpig that smells like cigarettes and rug burn.

    But I fight on. While my karmic penance for unwittingly unleashing a Snooki on the world is undoubtedly great, my work exposing the scrotewank and lusting their hotts will hopefully also count for something on my psychic writ sheet. And while douche culture continues to grow like toe fung, there is no retreat from the war on scrotewankery. Only mocking harder.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Saturday, January 15, 2011

    King Douchuous the IV Has a Message For All the Hatters Out There

    He’s available for weddings and Bar Mitzvahs.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 14, 2011

    Friday Thoughts and Links

    If ever we think we’ll run out of HCwDB material, there’s always Vegas. Waiting for us. To comprehend the hottie/douchey dialectics in toto.

    Like a buttcheek pimple, it speaks to us.

    It says, “do not sit on me or I will burst!” And so I nickname it “Howie” and sit anyway.

    Here’s your links:

    Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “As the days go by, we face the increasing inevitability that we are alone in a godless, uninhabited, hostile and meaningless universe. Still, you’ve got to laugh, haven’t you?”

    Dylan McDermott is…. John Douche.

    I’d buy that for $269 Euros! Boobies sell, kids. Boobies sell. (features many naked and glorious not safe for work boobies)

    Bachelor Party’s Tom Hanks has a son, and that son is unworthy of having a father who was the lead in Bachelor Party.

    Douchebags in the News: Lonnie Morris Stuffs $50s in his pants. Yet another reason why Ohio is on my list of potential douchiest state of 2011.

    T-Shirt Company starts a promotion where they’ll take Ed Hardy and Affliction donations and give them to homeless people. First world nations should not be this cruel to the must unfortunate among us.

    The Jersey Shore continues to be the greatest spreader of Grieco Virus among the young, and while I share a network with the show, its douchal spread is undeniable.

    Finally, there is Pear.

    There is glorious Pear.

    And then there is Chipped Wall Pear.

    It’s like two cushions that sing the praises of the glory of Adonai.

    Go forth. For the weekend is upon.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 14, 2011

    Reader Mail: Irish Musclebag

    Reader Antibleeth writes in from Ireland with a Musclebag Tag:

    ——
    DB1
    This is ‘Corven’, a semi professional wrestler in Ireland… whos real name is Colin.

    He get shirtless at every opportunity, even in the irish weather and upon meeting people for the first time he insists they feel his abs and/or biceps. He is a man of few words, though enjoys listing each of his individual muscles with each given their own adjective (such as terrific triceps, brilliant biceps etc).

    He claims to have slept with 52 women during one summer… in spain, so there is no evidence. He has 15″ biceps, so I am reliably and aggressively told.

    Douche. Bag.

    — Antibleeth

    ———-

    Something tells me stories of sexual adventures in Spain is to Ireland what the greater Niagara Falls Area was to nerds before The Breakfast Club came out and killed it.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 14, 2011

    Peter Orangeshorts

    So what have we learned from this pic?

    Ed Hardy makes orange velcro shorts.

    And Tammy really, really, and with frequent sessions to talk about it in therapy, has daddy issues.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Friday, January 14, 2011

    Friday Haiku


    In search of no water,
    Whobag jumpoffs plague one’s soul,
    Hark! Some not gotten.

    His best pickup line:
    “Do you like your poultry fried?”
    Don’t fall for it, girls.

    — Wedgie

    Stack will be trolling
    FSU dorms ’til forty;
    GET SOME dignity!

    — Wheezer

    Did his shirt start out
    with giant man-load splatter,
    or was it added?

    — Mr. White

    When will science be
    able to explain how Stack
    missed Darwinism?

    — Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

    found source of strange sound
    puppies chew on table leg
    Frank, help me out here

    — Medusa Oblongata

    Looks like Gilligan
    Found Maryann and Ginger
    Of the cocaine crowd

    — Vin Douchal

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 13, 2011

    Gynochin Still Pulling Hotts, Has a Penis Nose

    Further confirmation that our first Weekly winner of the new year will be a formidable penis nose in the monthly.

    Not sure if that’s Brunette Rhea (need a ruling from the regs), but she is quality leg chomp lemur spank. And so I bite softly. And with delicate chew.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Thursday, January 13, 2011

    Confusionland with Douchey Juan and Monica

    This pic is surreal, confounding, bizarre and kind of makes me want to huddle up under my bed and wonder if the universe really is infinite, what happens when you go really, really far in one direction. Does it just get dark?

    Yup.

    Belt buckle as a substitute for a bikini top is both genius and Bleethy. On Monica, a quality uberhott that I must gnaw on, it is both boobie celebratory and yet awkwardly constricting and stupid.

    So I’m confused there.

    Then there’s Douchey Juan, who helped me fix my engine trouble at Pep Boys, so I kinda don’t want to mock him too harshly.

    And the lineup of shirtless Meatheads waiting to go into the rock bathroom just perplexes me.

    # posted by douchebag1
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