Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Haiku

Water Pistol Pete,
Discount DJ in Des Moines,
mocks God’s boobie pride.

Wannabe DJ,
Grabs pistol to rob a bank,
A sperm bank that is

— Condouchious

Abomination
Offensive in the Lord’s sight:
Birds drop from the sky.

— Jeff Reed Towel Dispenser

DJ Hep-C Screen:
“Death to King Douchuous IV!”
God save her tatas

— Blinded by the Shite

Blue/white striped boobies
look like shiny wax fruit; I’ll
bet they jiggle less.

— Wheezer

Asian boob gal says:
“See my chest, see my chest, please!”
DJ Scene, not heard

— saulgoode42

Vanilla Ice Scrote –
Squirt Gun does not compensate
for your small package

— dknutty

Vanilla Lice sneers
Displaying the twin horrors:
Chest shave/treasure trail.

— Redouche-Reooze-Repsycho

If Kid Rock’s Toejam Grew Consciousness, Assumed Human Form and Went to Vegas on the Next Flight to Hit on French Hotties

It would look like this.

Fan Pooison

Welllll… it’s a marvelous night for a douchedance, with the hotts up above in your eyes… a fungtabulous douche to give Valtrex, ‘neath the cover of alchy red eyes…

Homeless Phil Collins Gives You Both Fingers

Is this another pic of layabout East Ender douchebag Homeless Phil Collins?

If so, he’s regrown some hair, becoming more of a Homeless Bryan Brown.

But Michelle is quality overpriced First Date hott. And so Asian Bartender Ken tolerates it all, and studies for his transfer to Oxford next semester.

And on an only semi related note, Sussudio defined the worst of mid 80s pop suckage, and if I hear it on the radio again, I will call in and request the only suitable 80s pop antidote.

It’s Shark Week on HCwDB!

Mrs. Kintner: I just found out, that a girl got hit on here last week, and you knew it! You knew there was a douche out there! You knew it was dangerous! But you let people go partying anyway? You knew all those things! But still my girl is hit on by a douche now. And there’s nothing you can do about it. My girl is hit on by a douche. I wanted you to know that.

Carrot Top. Still Out There. Still Performing in Vegas to Tourists.

Speaking of famous comedians, I think we can all agree to mock Carrot Top.

That’s sort of what he’s there for.

Like comfort food.

Still, if wallowing in Dante’s fifth canto of comedy hell (sins with props) gets you Jenny From Wichita to endure a spinal perforation just to jutt boobies for your edification, then I suppose a correct calculation took place somewhere along the life curve.

Bree Solves All

Maybe I’ve been too cranky today. So to cheer us up, here’s HCwDB Hott legend, Bree (she of Fish Slap Hottie/Douchey cohabit), one of Bree’s slutty hott friends, and Brothabag Freddie. Who needs to eat more bran.

Retro HCwDB: With Bonus Kids Edition

Say what you will about the past, but one thing’s for certain. It’s remarkably dated.

EDIT: Reader SD points out that the pic is via the Awkward Family Photos blog.

A Note to Denis Leary: Hot Chicks with Douchebags is Not Free Material for All Comedians to Use as “Inspiration” for Comedy Central Specials

An open letter to Denis Leary, from me, the guy who wrote the book “Hot Chicks with Douchebags,” created, was lead writer and executive produced MTV’s “Is She Really Going Out With Him? and has been writing this site every day since March of 2006:

—————-
Dear Guy Who Stole His First Act From Bill Hicks,

I haven’t seen your special “Douchebags and Donuts” yet, since it doesn’t air on Comedy Central until Sunday. It may be unlike the last five years of writing done on Hot Chicks with Douchebags, in my book, and on my show on MTV. I suppose that’s possible.

But this notion of douchebag deconstruction that you’re so happy to create a comedy special around (and test out on “The Tonight Show”) is one I created on this very blog. Five years ago.

I conceived it. I even had a book published nationally about it. And a TV show. And my book was optioned by a studio. And I wrote a script based on that book.

I’ve done sixty or seventy radio interviews. Been written up in Playboy, Rolling Stone and numerous other mags.

My show on MTV was the precursor to “The Jersey Shore” and just finished airing its third season.

So, you see, I don’t really think my blog/book/TV show/movie deal could possibly have been missed by you. Much like any writer-comedian’s product, the concept of douchebag deconstruction and categorization is one I’ve created, defined, published and sold in a variety of media formats.

This means the material, concept and style of the humor is mine. Was created by me. You “borrowing” it is not an homage. It is not a tribute. And it is not cool.

You may have considered doing a special called “You Might Be a Redneck.” Or perhaps “Stuff White People Like.” I suppose I should be flattered you chose HCwDB. But I am not.

The fact that funny things appear on the internet do not mean they are not written, conceived and belong to people.

Come up with your own shit. Asshole.

Sincerely,
– Jay Louis
——————-

EDIT: Here’s another clip from the special. Judge for yourself.

Backstory: Denis Leary is “inspired” by Bill Hicks in the 80s.

More Backstory: Louis C.K. responds to Leary’s comedic “inspiration.”

Breaking: Sports Illustrated Model Marissa Miller Is Still Married to a Twatwaffle

We’ve been tracking one of the longest and most inexplicable celebrity Hottie/Douchey cohabits to maintain itself here on the site since early 2008, with depressing updates in late 2008 and 2009.

I speak, of course, of the uberbobuous Marissa Miller and her astonishing decision not just to date or hook up with, but to marry, a heaping load of yakspittle.

Marissa Miller and Cactus didn’t win the 2008 Douchie Award for celebrity HCwDB, losing to the toxic vegas crud that is Criss Angel and Assorted Vegas Porn Hotts, but their stench has gained from sheer longevity.

Anyone who thinks that because douchebaggery has become self-aware in the age of the Jersey Shore just like Cyberdyne Systems did on August 29th, 1997, doesn’t realize that that doesn’t mean the war ended. It means the war has only begun.