Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Abstract Excretionism

That reminds me.

Did I remember to calcify the beachwood this morning?

And no, calcify the beachwood is not a euphemism for playing with the shminkydink. It is a metaphor for a hermeneutic muffin cross-spliced with a Vulcan turd.

Where’s The Spiker?

Somewhere in this area of overpriced bottle service validation and pouty Russian mail order hotties, I’ve carefully hidden aging rocker choad, The Spiker.

Look closely.

Can you ask him to play some Skynyrd?

Ask DB1: Why Do We Pay Taxes?

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DB1,

— Old Man Grumpus

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10 years from today? Fry cooks at Venus.

Emobags Clog the Toilet

Meet The Emobags: Dopey, Frumpy, Herpy and Jeff.

Watch as they bother Shen-Chu in the bathroom of the Korova Milk Bar somewhere in the near future in this excerpt from “A Clockwork Altoid.”

Angry Lip Guy Shushes You

For his ear bling, featuring only the finest hard plastic diamelles, was purchased at a premium when deBeers was having a “Douche Sale.”

Pouty Patrice, she of purity of suckle cheek, and teeth of lickworthy Crest white strip whiteness, offers the Eye of Coitus, and for that, I triple vault through a field of hallucinogenic gnats just for the chance to fondle her custom made “BieberPod” iPod ear phones.

The Kennedy Head Wound ‘Bag

Back… and to the left… back… and to the left…

Too soon?

Droopy McPointer Points

Droopy McPointer likes to be near the hot chicks of Orange County.

And, when he gets near them, Droopy likes to point at them.

Droopy’s father and grandfather approve of Droopy’s pointing ways.

Haylie Gets Fondled In Bryan’s Basement

High School Haylie can’t believe her parents are letting her hang out in Bryan’s basement.

It’s like so cool!!

Bryan’s parents like made a fortune in refrigerator sales, and, like, his basement is the social scene for 11th grade in all of the greater Indianapolis area!

Wait’ll Haylie tell her besties tomorrow! She’ll leave out the part involving awkward groping and douche sandwich crush.

HCwDB of the Week: Billy Dee Willhelm and Champagne Katie

Lets get all Presidents Day up in this corpuscle!

Last week had some Ferret. Some Eurobag. Some Orange Flush And the return of Brothabag Leon.

We also extrapolated our developing theory of the importance of understanding the Mayan “Eye of Coitus” in all its permutations.

But in the end, it was tight sweater greasehead and tasty bottle hott for the win (loss).

Perfection of female form in the tiny slinky flapper girl of 1920s prohibition party that is Champagne Katie.

Nor should we underestimate the Colt 45 Doucheness of Billy Dee, wallet chains, stupid rings and rosary bling combined.

As with last month’s Monthly winner, it’s important for us to remember that hottie/douchey dialectics require both the punchworthy douche-face as well as the tasty shoulder gnaw female taut bobble.

And we cannot discount the second appearance of Billy Dee and Champagne Kate. Champagne Kate Makes Her Hott Pose, while Billy Dee hits on a lady in the background.

However, Mr. Biggs dissents from my pick, writing in with a strong argument for for Che Tattvara and cross-eyed Kate:

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Reminiscent of the couples who’ve ruined so many once decent hangouts here in LA, Che and Katie rip wormholes through American culture like a leaking BP gusher. Che’s tattoos are a scrambled mess that are a fuck-you to anyone who wears tattoos as an ideological conviction. It’s purely to attract hott, as evidenced by the open shirt. Do I even need to get into the Che cap and beard? The guy’s probably a Tea-Partier if anything.

And that brings us to tasty yet cross-eyed Kate, who’s just as spiritually cross-eyed. She’s the kind of girl who’s been dolling herself up for debutante balls since she stole mommy’s lipstick at age 6. And now she’s getting herself into all the hip hangouts. Of course she has no clue what she’s getting into, only that El Che fills the bill in spades.
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Well argued Mr. B. But this was and is the Lando of Calrissians of douchebaggery, and the Millennium Falcon of boobies.

Chalk up Billy Dee and Champagne Katie for our next slot in the next monthly on this President’s Day. And your scratchy DB1 to munch on some bagel with smear. And by smear, I mean gouda.

HCwDB Fight Night: The Shish-ka-‘Bag and Karmic Justice

Three minutes of Middle Eastern Turkish Douche Dance.

Followed by justice.