Wednesday, February 16, 2011

    Che Tattvara

    Viva la stupid tatt revolucion!!

    And la undies poke!

    Mmm… Cross Eyed Katie on the verge of turning sexy mom-like but still doesn’t realize it… how I’d Marxist her Trotskys from many different Engels.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 16, 2011

    Brothabag Leon and Posse Welcome All Chin Pube Pretenders

    Yesterday we saw The Ferret attempt innovative chin pubal shave maneuver.

    But it was nothing. Not compared to increasingly legendary HCwDB facially douchumphant Brothabag Leon.

    For we are reminded of what it takes to perfect the craft of doucheyface, while crushing quality if douchetty suckle thighs Pamela and Andrea in a triple douchewich press:

    Dedication.

    Lack of employment.

    At least sixteen different tools of sculpting and shaving ability. Preferably made out of sterling silver.

    Residence in Florida, Arizona or parts of Long Island. At moms’s house. ‘Till the training career takes off.

    We’re looking at years of facial sculpt in service of hot chick annoyance.

    Hmm… A Hall of Scrote nomination perhaps? The dedication to craft is impressive.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 16, 2011

    Random White Guy On Stage at a Parliament/Funkadelic Show

    We interrupt your regularly scheduled Hottie/Douchey mocking to witness a random white guy doing the White Man’s Overbite on stage at a Parliament Funkadelic show.

    George Clinton is not amused.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Wednesday, February 16, 2011

    Tony Punchmyfacekowitz

    Another sibling from the Punchmyfacekowitz clan, Tony and his best bro, Anthony, have perfected the performative art of name visualization.

    Leopard Jenny is another lady to offer me the Mayan “Eye of Coitus” and for that, I graciously pooch her belly with half chewed jelly beans and an acidic port wine chaser.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, February 15, 2011

    “The Eye of Coitus”

    For the past week we’ve seen a few references to the ancient Mayan holy concept of the “Eye of Coitus.”

    Since it’s a late nite HCwDB post, of which I’ve been remiss about doing lately, and all you fellow ‘bag hunters deserve a treat for hanging out with me tonight, I thought I’d give you one:

    A douche free post.

    Featuring lovely angelic Pear.

    And also an academic illustration of “Eye of Coitus” as envisioned in the carvings and priestly incantations of pre-Conquistador Mexico.

    But if you still need a dash of douchal counterbalance, there’s always this guy.

    EDIT: Swapped pic with an even better example.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, February 15, 2011

    The Ferret Nibbles

    This pic of odious clubclown The Ferret may or may not be The Starhawk, as the inbred overbite and chin pubes suggest.

    Alls I know are innovative chin pubosity is rare in the days after Brothabag Leon or Triple Fung, yet The Ferret manages to pull off innovation amidst asswipery.

    Aryan Donna long ago crossed the line from potential sexyness to disciplining me with a barbed-wire billy club for cutting in line for extra soup during visiting hours.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, February 15, 2011

    Billy Dee Villhelm Wants to Hug Champagne Katie

    Billy Dee Villhelm would love to give Champagne Katie a hug.

    Unfortunately his sweater shrunk in the dryer. And his arms are now as immobile as little Randy Parker.

    And yes, Champagne Katie is as hott as she appears.

    You may be wondering if it’s a one-off. A single pic that makes her look hotter than she really is.

    So for corroborative evidence: Champagne Katie #2.

    Holy sweet jebus I just swallowed my tongue, drank some cherry flavored Fresca, and punched a manatee. In his manateeth. Stupid manatee.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, February 15, 2011

    FYL

    I sense an internet meme coming on…

    Oh wait, that’s just my bacon frying.

    Mmm… bacon. Tastes like pork chop chicken.

    # posted by douchebag1
    Tuesday, February 15, 2011

    Orange Flush

    “And Adonai your G-d saw the orange turds circling abovest the Pacific Ocean.

    And the Lord said unto the angel Gabriel, ‘Yo Gabriel, flush that shizz, homie!’ And the heavens and earths shook with the Lord’s words! And angel Gabriel did ‘ere flush the Orange Turds from the face of the earth, as Amalek had been sent asunder into the sea before them.

    And The Lord your G-d saw the flush of orange as it went below, and knew that it was douchey.”

    — The Book of Face Psalms, 25 or 6:4

    # posted by douchebag1
    Monday, February 14, 2011

    Reader Mail: ‘Bag Hunters of Legend

    —-
    DB1,

    Greetings from Canada. Just got married over New Year’s and wanted to share a couple of pics with you.

    As a long time fan of your website, and as someone who’s introduced several of my siblings and close buddies to your pointed social commentary, caustic mock and stylistic meanderings, I decided to forgo the usual wedding party presents and instead opted for the gift that keeps on giving. All the groomsmen were pleased with their shiny new
    copies of HCwDB the Book    .

    Keep up the fine work. It’s a lonely struggle, but I’ve got full
    confidence you (we) will one day persevere. As the old fable teaches us, at the end of the race, the tortoise gets the Hott and the douchebag hare gets chlamydia. Or something like that.

    The Douche of Hazard
    ——

    I am honored, humbled and pleased by your inclusion of my book in your wedding party, TDoH. (gratuitous plug: available on sale right now at Amazon.com).

    Therefore, I hereby bestow and knight each member of your wedding party with the following honor: You are each, now and forever, ‘Bag Hunters of Legend.

    Go forth untoward the Hotts, and carry on the Mock of all things Scrotal as newly minted knights in our continuing battle on the choadal plague.

    # posted by douchebag1
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