Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Sideways Morton Believes in Sideways Peace

Like Sideways Gandhi and Sideways Martin Luther King before him.

Zebra Tonya has a smile that liberates lions from the shackles of animal kingdom expectations and allows them to purr with impugnity.

Flathead in the Third Dimension

This calls for some sort of physics joke regarding vector hair, dimensionality and taut Russian immigrant hotties suffering the consequences of their naiveté.

So I turn it over to Stephen Hawking:

He is dou-chey be-cause his hair is stu-pid and if I could stand, I would spank both of the hott-ies both spa-tially as well as tem-por-a-lly.

Yup. Stephen Hawking jokes. I need a coffee.

HCwDB of the Week: Stephanie and Suzanne meet the Greasepitz

A vile hottie/douchey cohabit from back on February 1st, this perfectly balanced double dose of scrotal/innocent dialectic is a prime example of the Zen of HCwDB in all its cultural atrocities.

Why?

Because often we see the slutty hotts and the ‘bags, and while the hott may be lustworthy in a douchadox sort of way, they pretty much deserve each other. Thus, no real discourse is generated. As we saw recently with, say, Nunzio’s Abs, Your Saturday Vegas Valtrex Sandwich or Yankee Doodle Doodie.

But here we have Blue Dress Stephanie and White Dress Suzanne. Both ubergnaw. Firm of buttocks and spirit. Two young giggle bobbles just looking to go out and have fun at the clubs.

And here we have the Greasepitz. Groin shave reveal and oiled up abs. Douche faces and douche everythings.

Together, they form the proper wrongness of cultural disgrace that deserves to be highlighted as a Weekly winner.

(Dis)honorable mention to the costumed but still douchey warrior for Reagan-era douchebaggery, Rambro, The shaming of the British Empire with Charles Dickens, the reappearance of Tendon Ted and Ass Pear Annie as Angry Bert, and the odious and best quickly forgotten (although potential 2011 Douchie Award winning) Speedo Shot First.

And a special, special grope-out to Melanie.

But lets chalk up the the two Emerson costume design majors and the Greasepitz as the first to compete in the next Monthly, and aim to take on our first monthly winner, Gynochin and Rhea, at the 2011 Douchie Awards.

The Mysteries of Life Explained

Courtesy of Doc Bunsen Honeydouche via last week’s threads, if you’ve ever been perplexed by life’s mysteries, by the moral, ethical, psychological and spiritual questions that haunt and plague the human spirit on this mysterious journey we call consciousness, this short clip will explain everything. It all. The whole enchilada in one 52 second clip.

Open your mind.

You are about to achieve total consciousness.

So you got that going for you.

Your Saturday Vegas Valtrex Sandwich

Somewhere, way up in the sky, Frank, Dean and Sammy just choked on an olive pit.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Look, Mummy! There’s a douchebag up in the sky.

As the odious Starhawk continues to fake-party and pretend he’s “lovin’ life” while the repo men reclaim his Lexus in the parking lot, and while Tiny Brunette Beth gives me what the Mayans term “The Eye of Coitus,” your humble narrator scratches himself.

I know what you’re thinking.

What makes this scratching of self different than all other scratching of selves?

For on this scratching of self, I used a rigorous up/down motion. On all other scratching of selves, I use a more languid left/right fondle.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Spearmint or Fruit?”

Check out HCwDB fans and thrash metal band “I Dream of Apocalypse” performing their latest mock of douchebags, Straight Fag. “Wives and girlfriends, drag you to Sears, you sip zinfandel, never chugging a beer” = pure genius.

In China, Alpha Males carry designer purses. The global Grieco Virus continues to spread. We must mock harder.

Bored college girls dress up as librarian nerd hipster hotts. I love them all, equally and with great, if brief, passion.

As the Hottie/Douchey dialectics move from the avant-garde of early HCwDB into mainstream collective reconfigurations of the mapping of popular culture, we will see the conceptual revolution launched here begin to emerge in other institutional frameworks. Witness the following art exhibit at the Philadelphia Museum of Art: The Peacock Male: Exuberance and Extremes in Masculine Dress. As we remap history along Foucauldian interrogations of culture and power, more of this will take place, culminating in the globally acclaimed HCwDB exhibition at the Guggenheim in 2023.

More from the douchebaggization of Canada: At McGill College, Two Bros Seek Third Bro. The Bros ™ plan a lawsuit for copyright infringement.

Sometimes all you need is a heartwarming love story about a man and a stuffed bear/pig lady.

Mediocre New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez hits on a high school girl, makes an early case for 2011 Douchiest Athlete of the Year. Not superdouchey behavior yet, but the year is young. With Jeff Reed out of the league, the field is wide open.

Okay, enough links from the world of masculinity in crisis, lets remember what it is we’re fightin’ for. Since it’s Valentines Day weekend and all, here ya go:

Milk Tub Heart Pear.

Go forth, fellow travelers on the hottie/douchey path of enlightenment. Another week has passed, and there’s drinking to do.

Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee Does Not Approve of Billy’s Kissy Lips

Oh sweet Nicole.

I realize the pickings are slim in suburban Wisconsin, especially in the winter months.

But Billy’s Jesus and Mary Chain, plus kissy lips and white hat, stamps a full Stage-3 across his resume.

Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee watches disapprovingly in the distance.

Do not upset Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee.

For you wouldn’t like Cool Jazz Singer Mack Dundee when he’s angry.

Yup. No idea what I’m writing anymore. Must be Friday.

EDIT: Changed Dundee’s name so as not to confuse with Angry Ernie below.

Angry Ernie and Daisy Mae

Angry Ernie, the spiritual twin to Angry Bert (aka Tendon Ted), does not like you either. He’s wanted in twelve precincts.

And the force is strong with his orange pecs.

Daisy Mae is a tiny little ball of perpetual giggle and vague ambitions to design clothes for her own store. And for that, we buy her free drinks and tell her she’s very talented.

Friday Haiku

Somewhere in Peru,
An Ancient Mayan Chief,
Misses his fish spears.

Hey, what time is it?
Let us check the sundial:
oh, it’s way past fail.

— Wheezer

Time to meet her folks,
Spikes of blond atop his head,
Purple hair, despairs.

— Rockabilly Johnny and the Electric Foreskin Benders

Fair warning, children:
NEVER stick your fingers in
electric outlets.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

He thinks he’s a Smooth
Criminal. She knows that he
cries during Oprah.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Purple and spike hair
For bad 80’s cover band
Club refunds cover

— Vin Douchal

Ask DB1: Meta Ur Reflexive Irony ‘Bags?

—–
DB1,

Yours in opposition to the Taint,
Dan
—–

Good question, Dan. We’ve often talked about performative strategem in service of hott seduction under different rubrics yet still following the same underlying principle.

Think of a kumquat. Would a kumquat be less funny if it was called a pear?

Yes. But it’s still a fruit.

The same goes for douchebag meta-irony.

As we’re seeing more and more of, and as I’ve noted before, in our post Jersey Shore era, the douche has taken on an attempt at winking irony and humorous play to still have free reign to douche it up with impunity.

However, the ‘baguousness is still, underneath, just as toxic as when it was the humor-free seriousness of the “Pickup Artist” era (2005-2008) and the “Douchepocalypse Era” (2008-2009). So long as the mock remains potent, we must try, or the hotts will continue to be lost, even in our Jersey Shore “Metabag” era (2009-present).