-
Friday, February 4, 2011
Friday Haiku
New Rule: “Hawk Bites Pear”
Now in “Rock Paper Scissors,”
To sell to the kids.
“Mmagic World” ass pear
does not deserve rabies-filled
bite from gay bat hawk.
— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
Jen kept yelling “SCAT!!!”
But that’s the wrong thing to say
To horny Germans.
— DarkSock
Cali on his neck?
Please let San Andreas slip,
dump him in ocean.
— Wheezer
A word to the wise
never bite the ass that feeds
this guy craves the poop
— Medusa Oblongata
Recent parolee
Assuming the position
His bunkmate preferred
— Vin Douchal
I could use Shark’s head
As a front-door shoe scraper
For this damn winter!
— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt
Sharkbag sees shadow,
Six weeks of unemployment,
What then, Taco Bell?
— Rockabilly Johnny and the Electric Foreskin Benders
Thursday, February 3, 2011Snidely Whiprash Douches Up the Jacuzzi
Condoucious Says: Judge not the douchey tatt by its size. For it is meaning that matters, not just inksplat stupidhead. And Mindy’s body is freakin’ tight.
Well said, oh wise Condouchious. Well said. Although those may be marker lines, and not an actual tatt.
Coundoucious Says: Like I give a crap. Mindy’s body is ubergnaw.
True, Condouchious. Very true.
Thursday, February 3, 2011Bob Is Not Actually a Maori Tribal Elder
But he fooled Judith into a half hour of giggling before she excused herself to get another cosmo and Bob hit on the waitress by showing her his headtatt.
The whole thing ended in disaster when the cheese fries they ordered at the bar were way too salty and Bob’s bro, Kevin, was, like, totally pissed at his girlfriend for forgetting his birthday.
And then, like they started playing Usher. Like, c’mon.
And then Kevin was all, “Yo, I gotta splits!” So Bob was like, “Bro! Hang a little longer!” And Kevin was all, “Where’d that chick go?” And Bob was all, “Forget her, she didn’t get on the Bob Train, she’s outtie!” So then Bob and Kevin all left and were kinda pissed off about the night on the drive home.
So while Bob is not actually a Maori Tribal Elder, he does experience tests of ritual passage in his own way.
Thursday, February 3, 2011Charles Dickens Has Tea and Biscuits With the Queen
Emma Thompson does not approve of his not so Big Ben.
For his Sex Pistols are London Bridging her Fish and Chips.
Winston Churchill.
Thursday, February 3, 2011That Dude You Knew In That Band in High School Who’s Name You Can’t Remember
Remember that dude you knew? The one in that band in high school? The one who’s name you can’t remember?
You remember. The band was called, like, “Wolverine Claw” or something. You used to see him in the quad between third and fourth period.
He was always bumming cigarettes. And failing math. And had a detailed explanation about how Yngwie Malmsteen’s fretwork totally, like, blew Steve Vai out of the water.
You remember. He had some plan to drive to California and “make it on the Strip.”
Whatever happened to that guy?
Now you know.
The last decade has not been kind.
Thursday, February 3, 2011Sandy Meets a Vegas Hawk, Loses a Piece of Her Innocence
But, on the bright side, Sandy did get comped a free line pass for the “All You Can Eat Blackjack Buffet” at the Gold Slinger.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011Caption This Pic
Busher Von Chin’s career as a human toxic mold tester got off to an auspicious debut when he found ‘Cienowskia Reticulata’ on Sandra’s party shoe.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011Ask DB1: Is Meathead Autodouche?
—–
Boss,
The site is becoming disconcerting to me. I get belittling doucheness, and believe me I’m all for it. So, I’m just going to put this out there:
I am a meathead.
I love being a meathead, and even compete in powerlifting competitions.
I don’t have abs, and I dress normal.
I don’t walk around with my shirt off, or distribute any other characteristics of douche.
However, it seems that more and more I log on and there is all this talk of “roid this” and “gym guys that”. So when did meathead = autodouche?
I mean you would think the cause would want more guys like us on your team. We will quite literally destroy that that is douche, with much ferocity. Some comments on The JordanBag, as well as the Planet Fitness commercial you posted the other day have kind of set me off.
Take the Planet Fitness commercial you posted a while back.
OK, “I pick things up and put them down” guy was douche, but it was a commercial. The guy probably isn’t like that all. Most meatheads I meet are honest hardworking educated guys like myself. I have a B.S. in IT, work in an office, and destroy my body on my off time. Why? Because I like being freaking huge and I like lifting really heavy shit.
I don’t find that in itsself douchy. I’m modest, so if anyone asks me about “working out” I usually just brush it off with like a “oh, i get to the gym when I can” comment. Because they won’t get me.
If I where to walk into a gym that had a little boy showing me around like the commercial of Planet Fitness, I would turn around and walk out. The same as anyone else would if they walked into a hospital and some pimple faced little kid said he would be performing your appendectomy today.
– Pumping Ira
—–
Well argued, P.I., and I agree that meatheadery is not autodouche. What is autodouche is excessive display of the male body for the purposes of peacocking spectacle and narcissism.
Provided you do none of these things, your weight lifting prowess is fully forgiven. And when Mecha Hiney Ho comes to pummel my ass, protection would be appreciated.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011Ronnie the Swamihead
Vacuous. Shirtless. Semi-employed. Monosyllabic.
What are… things Ronnie the Rivethead remains no matter how many clubby costume changes he goes through.
Wuh huh huh huh huh.
Thank you, Ed.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011The Wank
Some douches hitting on girl-next-door real world tasty Rachel Hotts like Rachel Hott here deserve incisive and elaborate critical deconstruction.
An erudite textual and thematic analysis engaging post-structuralist understandings of the generative modes of consumption read through a Birmingham School audience studies analysis of the meaning significations of their myriad cultural violations.
Others are simply wank.
Like this guy.
Wank.
