Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The BBC Presents: Human Planet’s “The Douche”

If New Line hadn’t chickened out and put the HCwDB movie in turnaround, this is pretty close to what it would’ve looked like.

Ask DB1: Sunglasses on the Cap

—–
DB1,

Chris in ‘Baghdad
—–

I couldn’t find the perfect pic to go with this question, C in ‘B (or C in Danang), but the point is a good one.

Yes, the migration of redneck signifers to a form of hipsterdouche is a troubling one worth monitoring in the future.

As to Lawyer Pud, pictured here, Mindy may not be the raving beauty that her sister Loraine is (not pictured). But she’s sweet. And will cook you pie. And deserves better than this wily turdrank.

Friday Thoughts and Links

Sneery self portraits.

Still out there.

Still deserving of a flyswatter to the face.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Max?

God Hates ‘Bags!

Google comes up with a new ad strategy: Google Boobs

An eagle-eyed ‘bag tagger captured this late night informercial warning. So true, Late Night Informercial. So true.

Former something or other from the Paris Hilton/Lindsey Lohan mid 00s celebutard era, Perez Hilton, is writing a children’s book. I’m not sure why this is relevant. Lets just move on.

It’s a pity The Phantom is so small. But at least he’s a real man. Unlike Aquaman.

The Miami Douchehearts. WARNING: No Hot Chick and plenty of douche-ass-reveal. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Bored this weekend? There’s always Tron Jeremy. Not exactly a cure for boredom. Kind of like Utah.

A fan of Angry Birds? Turns out they’re real.

But you are not here for creepy real world Angry Birds. You are here for Pear:

Ponytail Volley Pear.

Firm muscles of haunch on a Friday eve. You have nothing to complain about. Go forth. Go forth, multiply and imbibe.

Ask DB1: Demographic Mating

——
Hey DB1,

-The Waldouche

—-

Not necessarily, Waldouche.

I believe it was Immanuel Kant who first introduced the notion of “subjective discrepancy,” which articulates a discourse of identity outside of an authorial framework.

What this means is that boobies may boobally bounce in disproportionate, or proportionate, ratios, but that cultural variables are independent of such statistical mean averages.

Which means the DB1 has no idea what he’s saying, because the ‘Train is a’flowin’, Red Cup style.

Friday Haiku

I’d like to shtup Jenn.
Even if awkwardly so –
Dry hump at the bar

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Izzy Stradlin’ douche
plays guitar no more. Finger
growth from Axl’s pud?

— Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Jenn checks his package
Finds a half roll of breath mints
Tommie Lee he ain’t

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Young Ellen Barkin
Hott likes to be slutty. Tongue
Fung is not her bag.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

“Want some whipped butter?”
“Um, no, but can I speak to
the manager, please?”

— Mr. White

You are auto-douche,
let me count the ways: dog tags,
sunglasses inside
wristdanna, death tongue,
mandanna, douche hand gesture,
and bowie button.

— the douche is alright

Captain Lubing and Tracey Gnaw

Captain Lubing is obsessed with his own personal White Whale. Which is actually the strange alien disc hiding in his rayon shorts.

The tatt asks: “Why you?” Lubing? Because the world needs ditch diggers, too.

Tracey Gnaw was once a sweet, firm yet softly taught in a quarter bounce way. Now, after sailing with the Captain, she’s acquired arm scurvy.

Need to suck on more Bud Light Limes, there, Tracey.

White Chocolate 4Evar

Hall of Scrote Legend White Chocolate, one of the first doucherstars to be mocked back in the early days of HCwDB, refuses to douche gently into that douchey night.

Like all scrotal legends, there is no “temporary” to the douche lifestyle. No return to real life after a year of partying gets old.

Not for the HCwDB legends.

The Choc will not let up. The Choc will not let the hairpoint fade.

His cleft chin, aging pink saggyflesh and supernova of douchitude will. Not. Stop.

Until every hottie in Vegas smiles wanly and poses for a picture with him.

Quartasian Maggie Seeks Legal Representation

Yesterday’s celebrated and curvacious Quartasian Hottie, Maggie, writes in with a takedown request:

—-
request to remove unauthorized photo

Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Skinny D and Maggie the Quartasian Hottie
—–

Words spelled correctly. Impressive. Most impressive. But you are not a hottie yet.

While it saddens me to say goodbye to such quartasian hottness, we must bid adieu to mammtastic mammories. But we’ll always have our… mammories.

Reader Mail: Heather Dumps Mr. Lazy

Reader Heather writes in from Singapore:

—-
Subject: ya gotta go…

this complete fing douchbag wore this god damn shirt atleast 2x week while we were dating….it was either kill myself or break up…..I DECIDED TO MOVE TO SINGAPORE!
—-

Well, that’s one solution. The other would’ve been to write the word “eye” with a black magic marker under “Mr. Lazy” on his shirt.

Still, he’s only barely a stage-1 doucher, Heather, and if repeated shirt wearing was a ‘bag signifier, my repeated socks wearing would definitely get me in trouble.

Caption This Pic

Unfortunately for the “Vegus Douchbagus,” nursing in captivity can prove especially difficult due to scientific variables like climate, age and inability to find the nipple during “Woo” season.