Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Morty the Happy Rocker Causes Kim to Hang Herself

There’s only so much happy rocking that one girl can take.

The Afflicted Gnome

The Afflicted Gnome asks you not to mock his affliction. Which is halitosis. And a bad credit score.

So rather than restructure his debt, he’ll stare at some sexy bar wench boobosity.

Speaking of bar wench boobosity…

For those of us who fantasize about cigarette stained breath, a husky Kathleen Turner voice, social maladjustment and anger issues, and a heartbreaking tendency to ignore us and flirt with every bartender who doesn’t smile when serving them their Blue Moon, here’s my gift to you: Jolene The Boozy Bar Wench Hott.

She will break you.

The Tardopoulous Brothers

Remedial Cooking 101 was never the same for The Tardopoulous Brothers (Dimitri and Randy) when “Miss Ace Hardware 2011,” Stephanie McGee, stopped by to offer words of encouragement.

And glorious medically enhanced lizard brain short circuiting humpty gnaw slappy slap Holy Cleavite Reveal.

Morty The Happy Rocker

Ming Shyuen is deeply honored to study in this country, and she thanks you, but she can’t help but coyly giggle and wonder why Morty is such a heaping douchewipe.

When Groin Shave Reveal Kills

Sure Marty has little to look forward to for the rest of his life in outer Long Island other than occasional trips to Dave & Busters to relive his lost youth playing the retro T2 game.

But for Jenn and Patricia, the lovely ladies of Spring Bake Fest 2011, Marty can make sure of one thing: Acid Reflux For All.

Reader Mail: Douchebags in the Midwest

———–
Dear DB1,
Why do normal midwest girls think douchy dudes are hot?

I have included two photos of my BFF and her stupid new boy.
enjoy
– Angie
—–

Ah. The cosmic question.

The answer to the hottie/douchey coupling, young Angie, lies not in the seeking of conclusions or concrete end points, but as a path of sequential investigations leading to a higher truth through process.

As the great Talmudic scholar Rashi once taught us, “God knew where he was, but he asked so as to start a conversation with Adam and avoid startling him too much to reply.”

The conversation, as the Tanach teaches us, not the answers, is wherein we find the revelations of the God shards. Follow these questions like Adam and God, as dialectic, as what Derrida calls the metaphysics of subjectivity and the incongruences of the text, and the process of interrogation, in and of itself, will lead to revelation.

For all will ultimately be revealed in the glorious and holy mathematical curve we call pear.

Benny Runs with the Dasani

Because even those doing the twelve steps need to shake it out once in awhile.

Reader Mail: Tony Turns in his Brother for a Douche Violation

—-
DB1,

-Tony
—–

And then, after my appeal to take credit for the hard work of a familial douche intervention:

—–
Ok. Run it. I’ll alert the local HCwDB fanbase.
—-

Run it I shall. For your bro needs to have his silk jacket and pointy pose mocked for all eternity. And Bouncy Sandrina needs to show more cleve.

Jenny and Kelly Make the “Double Woo”

Brohawks, shoulder tatts and Ubiquitous Red Cup on display as Jenny and Kelly “woo.”

Bud Lights in the sand.

Nerdy Juan talks physics in the background.

Yup. Spring Break. 2011.

Where an entirely new generation thinks they’re the first to discover sex and alcoholism.

They’re not. I was. The year was 1994.

Kevin the Loverrr

It’s important to Kevin that you pronounces his name correctly. He is not “Kevin the Lover.” He is “Kevin the Loverrrr.” You must roll the “r.” Like you’re choking on a peach pit.

The Crazy Eyes Carla Cousins suffer from both A.D.H.D. and panic attacks. So do not be concerned when they roll up your bar tab north of 200 dollars while talking about how daddy never told them he loved them and they someday dream to host a show “like Oprah.”

It’s worth it.

For the night will end with you holding back their hair while they puke in the bathroom of the nearby “Gas n’ Go.”

But for the chance to get a pokey peek at Carla #2’s heaving red bosom as that Mai Tai returns to the ocean from whence it came, it’s heartily and spiritually worth it.