Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Rocker Hand Guy’s Hitler Chin Approves

The Russian Vadanya Girls are o.k. by him.

The Knicklehead

Reminding us that, in spite of being one of the great cities of urban living, New York also has the douchiest sports fans this side of Miami Beach, The Knicklebag wants to drop by.

And be a douche.

In presence of soothing smoothie blended drink of hott lickery, the lovely Lindsey.

And all is wrong on a Monday morn.

And lest you think the Knicklehead was just goofing it up in a one-off pic, this unholy basketballwipe took his show on the road. With Lindsey on vacation in the tropics.

The great Bernard King just had himself retroactively baptized as a Celtic.

HCwDB of the Week: Mister Zebracrotch and Granddaughter Karnie

Last week was a maelstrom of douchelickery, perfect mammtasteries, creepy Miami beachery, pitch perfect dress-up douchebaggery, and even some classic Jerz.

We had visits from former Weekly Winning trainwrecks The Greasepitz and Night Oranger, and even mocked us a Sports Junkie from the metro-D.C. area.

But, in the end, Zebra crotch display on orange oldsaggery and lithe chewtoy barely legal hottie hott takes the win (loss). For while Oldbaggery often finds its champions, and while I came thisclose to giving it to Wimpy the Cinch Sack and Genevieve, I just couldn’t ignore this toxic example of crudboatwankery and perky hott combo.

For, the thing is, Zebracrotch cannot be excused as dress up or ironobaggery. Zebracrotch is genuinely orange, saggy, stupid puka shelled, and posing like a ninny.

Together with Tasty Karnie, who’s majoring in dead languages and likes old movies with Bogie and Bacall, hers is a giggle wasted on old trash pudwackery.

And that, fellow hunters and huntresses, is what we are here to mock, even as it congeals into hardened arteries and saggy creepy awkwardness at the school P.T.A. meetings.

And by congeals, I mean bacterially spreads like a pre-John Maddened foot fung.

Chalk up Mister Zebracrotch and Karnie for our third slot in the next Monthly, and the DB1 for coffee and a tasty Hostess pie.

The Greatest Action Sequence of All Time

I’ve posted it before, and I’ll post it again.

Hollywood has been owned by Bollywood in the greatest five minute sequence of all cinematic time. Mulletbaggery is forgiven, for our intrepid hero rules.

Ze Hipsterbăghen

Proving that Hipsterbaggery is the most potent form of douche in 2011, note how it continues to spread across much of Nordic Europe like a Lohan herp sore.

Sven Twitters expressionist poetry free verse. Frau Gretel will spank you for having impure bloodlines.

And in a followup HCwDB story, Thursdays’ Marty the Douchey Picture Frame Guy provoked a lively discussion of all things HCwDB on Washington D.C.’s Sports Junkies. (starts about 6 minutes in)

And, a little bit later, when the hott calls in and realizes she’s dating a radiobag. (2 min in)

Friday Thoughts and Links

I only wish the Night Oranger were an April Fools joke.

Sadly, that dragon tatt is all sorts of fake-tanned reality.

Crazy Eyes Kendra may be an extra from “Prince of Persia 3: The Epstein Bar Mitzvah,” but her curves are firm and taut.

And so they take us softly into Friday Thoughts and Links.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Call me Mr. Lamb Fries!”

Here’s a hilariously stupid Russian Wedding Video, unfortunately with unfunny sound effects added. I both celebrate and blame the black dude from “Police Academy” for unleashing decades of comedic fart and helicopter noise imitators.

Waiting for Godot: The Videogame

Rutgers University pays Snooki more money to speak than it paid Toni Morrison. Your humble narrator hangs his head in shame.

National Hockey League something or other Brandon Prust is getting it on with numerous hotts while cheating on his girlfriend Michelle Trachtenburg. Cheating on a quality Semitic librarian hott like Trachtenburg is a huge wtf no-no, but the dude’s young, a successful athlete, makes millions, and scores quality suckle thigh. So there’s that.

All you need to know about life: Fagabeefe.

Some Thief stole a computer and then got busted by the owners of the computer, who found the pud rocking out, douche style.

But you are not here for theifs dancing douche style. You are hear for fruity chomp pear. Here ya go:

Beach Lineup Pear

Mmmm. Like warm summer brownies on a cool misty evening. And chompy suckle bite.

The weekend is nigh.

Brad Gets a Nottadouche

At first I was gonna tag Brad a full-on club choad for bothering the stripper auditions for the traveling roadshow musical theater workshop of “Showgirls: The Musical.”

But then I thought about it.

The hair? Not really douchey.

The shirt? Pretty average.

Sure Brad’s Running with the Goose and making a hand gesture, but all in all, it’s just not enough to tag him as a douche.

So here’s your nottadouche and goinpeace, Brad.

Friday Haiku

Spring Break woo girls, “Woo!”
Heathen Joe crosses the line,
Kelly’s butt: fondled.

Future researchers
Will study this choad’s dried pelt
Like the Dead Sea Scrolls

— Wedgie

What is proper greet?
Look him in eyes? Or read face?
Confounds Ms Manners!

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Ahab stands in crowd
Watching Queequeg hunt Hotties
Moby Dick style

— jonezy

Who’s more desperate?
The girls with daddy issues
Or me for looking?

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Douche Maul is confused
Can’t remember which virgin
He left his sleeze in

— saulgoode42

Tatooed wanker dude
Ponders “Ass the other white meat”
Acid trip for skin

— Douchetastic Sam

Sometimes, when “raging
‘gainst the dying of the light”,
you should just give up.

— collossus of choads