Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

HCwDB of the Week: Buzzy Fails to Appreciate Marissa’s Taut Sundials

While the past week featured everything from Boatwanks to Choad Runners, Axholes and Vegas crotch fondle, Prince Meatwad and Loafie’s Choice, little compared to Buzzy and Marissa.

No, not even the breaking news that Donkey Douche is back in jail.

And while some may argue that Marissa is a former reality T.V. star of some form, reality does not intrude on the HCwDB simulacrum very often.

And so we consider this unholy commingling on the true merits of purity of suckle thigh and douchery of stupid head. And we annoint it the HCwDB of the Week.

An honor well deserved.

But not as well deserved as my latest culinary discovery: Rice crispies and chocolate milk are as tasty as this mass-marketed treat. So suck it Albertsons, for not running a sale on tasty sugar cereals this week. I’ve figured you out.

South Africa’s “Die Antwoord” is Something Something

Remember kids. Always floss.

Comment of the Week: Doucheywallnuts on Greek Philosopher Heraclitus

Doucheywallnuts takes this week’s award with his thoughts on the ancient philosophical conundrum, The Chicken or the ‘Bag:

—–
As the obscure Greek philosopher Heraclitus the Weeping cryptically wrote, “All things are an interchange for fire, and fire for all things, just like goods for gold and gold for goods. Just like Douche for Bleeth and Bleeth for Douche.” Which lead to this equally obscure quote, “To God all things are fair and good and just, but people hold some things wrong and some right. And Douchebags are always wrong and never right.” I find it interesting how people used an uppercase “D” for douchebag in these ancient polemics, which signifies how over time douches have become even more maligned.
—–

Friday Thoughts and Links

What defines masculinity and femininity?

That which we assume is innate to who we are, in our most primal definitions, is, of course, not innate at all but societally and culturally defined. An acquisition to be sought and bought and held and then lost again.

Florida bans bestiality and baggy pants.

We are taught and told and sold and prodded to redefine in a perpetual state of destabilization aimed to keep us in a state of constant return and revisiting to the Temple on the Mount (The Mall), where such validation can be repurchased.

Von Dutch? Long gone. Affliction? A forgotten yard sale item. Ed Hardy? On the way out.

Up next? More overpriced cultural poo. Sold at 4000% percent markup.

But I’m not bitching. For boobies call their siren call, and the real remains out there for us to find.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “This is my advice to you: When you get there, figure it out who’s who. Find the man nobody’s protecting. A man without friends. And beat him until his eyes bleed. Let them think you are little bit crazy, but respectful, too. Respectful of the right men.”

Two weeks ago’s Farrah Hott and The Tie Fighter hang in Vegas. That dude gets a full nottadouche and a luckiest man alive award. It’s all down hill from here, T.F.

HCwDB legend and frolic artist, the ubersquaty Bobby Batz is still out there, still lip syncing to early 00s boy bands.

For those parties where you really need to celebrate a ‘bag for being a ‘bag: Douche Cake.

Snohomish County Public Utility, located in Washington,is filled with Pud.

Here’s a well organized catalog of hott celebrity Jewesses. I would Daven with each one in a cheap motel with a vibrating bed, then make them chant their Havtorah one by one while I tickled their kneecaps with a kosher ostrich feather.

And from Semitic librarian tasty chomp, we come to another type of chomp. For your viewing pleasure, I give you:

Perfect Chomp Pear

Take a bite.

For the Weekend is uponst.

And I just got my rug cleaned.

Which is not a sexual euphemism.

Ask DB1: Handcuff Bracelets

————
DB1,

-Obichoad
—————–

One of the central precepts of douche-wear is a “gangsta” or violent aesthetic. This is to give white suburban wankstas the sense of being an outlaw.

This framework is acquired, of course, through the power of premium spending patterns at Bloomies or Nords.

Good catch on the ‘cuffbag. We will keep an eye out for future pics of this disturbing trend.

And shame on Showtime. Emboldening Vegas Douche like this is the wrong direction for our entertainment programming to go.

Friday Haiku

Straight to video,
Ego Production for Dave,
“Lord of the Cokk Rings.”

Correct thought Left Hott!
You plunge that Klingon Dagger!
Right into his groin!

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

I, Brodo Baggins,
Do solemnly swear this sword
Has a small penis

— saulgoode42

To get hotts like this
I must dress like this swordscrote
Find bad jeans post haste

— Hong Kong Douchey

brunette on the left
mayan eye of coitus gives
jeans don’t measure up

— Crazed Aborigine

His head not yet grown
All the way back to full size
Will Smith just shot him

— Wedgie

Sir Fapsalot says,
“Make this quick, bitches. My mom
picks me up at two.”

— Cool Hand Douche

Come Back to the Ninety-Nine Cent Store, Jimmy Peen, Jimmy Peen

For those pants are bargain basement Woolworths designed by your momma atrocities.

Sissy and Mona deserve off-Broadway quality ab lick.

Where’s Boatwanks?

Somewhere in this catamaran Darksockian boatcrashery, I’ve carefully hidden not one, not two, but three puddy boatwank Waldeeche.

Look closely.

Can you knock them off their penis substitute boats with an oar and hit on Kelly by offering her a Miller Lite?

The Choad Runner

Wile E. Coyote just took a dump on the highway.

Yeah, it’s true. The H.C. side of this equation is not holding up its end of the dialectic zen balance with Mr. Cartoon Chest and Undie Poke. But what are ya gonna do.

Have some Gal Gadot.

The Axhole

Still out there.

Still gravitating towards the largest boobuses on the playground.

Still making smirky face.