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Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Breaking: Donkey Douche Back in Jail
While earlier this year we watched as the Donk Went Free, reader Magnum Douche P.I. sends in this breaking update from the courthouse on the latest in the ongoing epic decline of Hall of Scrote legend, The Donk:
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DB1: Love the site, keep up the great work.
I was doing some work at the DuPage County, IL courthouse and ran into the Donk.
He just keeps living up to his Lifetime Achievement Award winning ways. The bond on his pending criminal case for drug dealing was revoked after a seach warrant executed on his house on March 14th found 2,500 grams of cannabis. Bond revoked, back in jail, no bond, sitting until his pending trial. Here’s a link.
The guy just cracks me up. Just figured I’d let you know. Mock on.
Magnum Douche P.I.
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Note that on his courthouse page, The Donkster’s eye color is listed as “BRO.” Coincidence? I think not.
For there are bottles of Grey Goose out there that nobody is running with.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011Buzzy Fails to Appreciate Marissa’s Taut and Perfect Sundials
For that, for the silly tatts, and for the receding porcupine hair, Buzzy is to be mocked posthaste.
Marissa is to be softly coddled with eggshell powder and buttgrabby grab. Purely in the interests of science and archeology.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011Doggie ‘Baggin: You’re Doing It Wrong
Doggie Baggin’, The Douchie Winning ‘Bag Move of 2008, returns. Only this time, in gender inverted form.
Noted gender theorist and philosopher Judith Butler sees this framework as challenging normative understandings of sexualized performativity in the public sphere. Habermas by way of Foucault.
Or she just thinks it’s goofy.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011Prince Meatwad Gives Orders
“Fetch my servant wenches, Squire! Bathe them! Shave them! And bring them to me!”
“Uhm, Prince Meatwad? Things like that aren’t really done in this country. Individual autonomy, human rights and all that.”
“No? Well then scratch my “Pacas” belly tatt.”
“Uhm. Okay.”
Wednesday, May 4, 2011Rareass Pink Cup
Ubiquitous Red Cup does not approve.
Dave almost earned a notta, but then he had to go all Fleur-de-Lis douche cap.
You know.
Fleur-de-lis.
Whatever you desire.
Pierce Patchett would like a word with you on the veranda.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011Tuesday Evening on HCwDB
I sit at my ‘puter and contemplate the faux.
It points.
In space and time.
It points.
In abstract crisis, it points to a netherword of flushy turds and chin fung and stupid-ass skulls that make 22 year olds feel powerful even through it’s Granma Clara’s checks that pay the rent on the studio off the strip while they go to bartending school and dream of someday dealing ‘Jack at the Palms.
So it’s Tuesday ‘eve.
Your humble narrator cracks a Mr. Pibb. Which pwns the Pepper.
A scratch and whiff.
And my gaze drifts to taut belly pooch suckle slap on Marissa and her naughty brunette friend, Cecilia.
They pillow fight at night while giggling and then they do each other’s toenails.
And so the fight against Faux must continue. Mr. Pibb or no Mr. Pibb.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011Ask DB1: The Chicken Or The ‘Bag?
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DB1,
A question occurred to me just now as I watched a man, clearly a Douche, perform a simple task of crossing the street.
Then I thought about such simple philosophical questions as “if a tree falls in a forest…” and “which came first, the chicken or the egg?”
The guy I saw today that gave birth to these Douche questions was crossing the street, all Douched out, wearing oversized aviator sunglasses in the middle of a downpour, plus other hallmark Douch Marks, such as Ed Hardy wear, Scrotal facial hair, etc.
First, one can assume that the Douche is sentient, using the Cartesian proof “I use Axe body spray, therefore I am” [From the latin, “Axeio, ergo sum”]. We may also assume that the Douche has acted with intent: they are clearly getting near hot chicks, as DB1’s weblog most painfully demonstrates.
Then I thought of a similarly perplexing question: Does a Douchebag know he is a Douchebag?”
The mind reels.
Jamie
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The moment at which ‘Bag becomes self-aware, as with Skynet before it, is the moment the war enters a new phase in our epic battle for boobie hottie suckle thigh.
Self awareness, of course, does not mitigate ‘bag status.
It is, as I’ve pointed out before, simply another strategy to deflect critique while appropriate the tools of the ‘bag arsenal in targeting the hott.
Mocking must continue. Oh yes. With tasty Hostess snack treat breaks allowed every four hours.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011Frolic Ninja
Do not mess with Frolic Ninja. For Frolic Ninja knows how to douche it up, Commodore 64 Style.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011Signs of the Douchepocalypse #44
“And lo, when the douche clouds of bodyspray have gathered over the Vegas of Las, and the pud named Joey makes a peace sign, The Gatekeeper will massage the Keymaster with oils, and Gozer the Douchestroyer will rise again…”
— The Book of the ‘Bag, Hardrockius Douchebagus subsection
Monday, May 2, 2011Loafie’s Choice
Quality ass pear?…
Lime green Ed Hardy douche cap?…
Quality ass pear?…
Lime green Ed Hardy douche cap?…
Loafie must choose.
