Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Asswipe Prime

We’ve called many people asswipes over the years.

Only this asswipe deserves a more specific moniker. That of “Asswipe Prime.”

For Asswipe Prime is in Miami, bitch.

Comment of the Week: Jacques Doucheteau

From Wednesday’s discussion about non-douchey male body products, Jacques Doucheteau weighs in with the Comment of the Week:

—–
I just use Fast Orange with pumice. Why? Because I have a real job and fix my own car/appliances/house unlike all the sissy boys that want to smell like daisy’s and little girls’ bedrooms.

Rub a sprinkle of that in your ass cheeks to prevent the chaffing from all the hairy, sweaty, grunting sex with WOMEN you’ll be having.
——

EDIT: Pic swapped out due to possible Vegas Trannydom. New pic is of America’s future. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Friday Thoughts and Links

As I meditate and ruminate on the paid to pose party girl and the undies wearing “not as interesting as they think they are” collegiate uberschlort, I sense myself being called away.

On a mission.

A monastic retreat.

A journey to the hills of Uttar Pradesh to reconnect with my sherpa and my teacher on the art of ‘bag mock and hottie lust.

Penance for sins against my meditative and monastic hottie/douchey journey.

I have sinned. For I have coveted the Bleeth.

And have not mocked douchebags with proper linguistic assault.

What will I discover on this outer journey of inward soul? New ways of tracking Grieco Viral spread. New adjectives to describe The Holy Cleavite.

Enlightenment will come. Oh yes, it will come.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Hey, no problem. Just a couple of clean American kids experimenting with sex.”

The real reason Cobain killed himself.

Nu Thang. Jesus’ De-light.

Eagle eyed reader Jim Beam looks out of his car’s windshield during rush hour one morning and discovers he’s driving behind a Bro Wagon.

Failblog tags A Dude with a Louis Vuitton tatt. The next step in douche-wear.

Reader Concerned Mother sends in pics of her seven year old daughter’s troubling douchebag dolls. And even more douchebag dolls. This is a disturbing trend that warrants monitoring.

From The Onion Sports Network: UFC Fighter Has Idea for a T-Shirt With a Bunch of Shit On It.

My hometown, Boston, prepares for the annual Slut Walk. Power to the people. And boobies.

What more must we do to complete another successful week of Mock? Oh, that’s right. Your serving of pear. Enjoy:

Wedgie Pear.

Unfortunately not named after our comments thread and Hall of Mock regular, Wedgie. Or is it?

Go forth and celebrate the Pear. For it is chomp. And the weekend has begunst.

This Guy Wins

I wish there was more to mock with this Oldbag Boatbag Stupidhead. Unfortunately, stupid tribal arm tatt and day-glo douche shorts don’t give me much to go on.

We’ll give him a stage-1 mock, and quickly move on to the real reason I posted the pic.

For Zebra Bikini Ashley is all that is firm and glorious about prime specimen suckle thigh and viable womb.

I would build a shine to her forefathers using only melted Jolly Ranchers, toothpicks and brill cream just for the chance to lick/gargle tea made from the gauze used to treat her thigh rash after a particularly taxing day of horseback riding before Kelly’s debutante ball.

Which is to say I chomp approvingly.

Even if she is using a Bud Light Lime cozy.

Friday Haiku

Carrot Top’s brother,
Radish Top, busts prop comic,
Prop is gay-ass hair.

When your role models
Are Chaz Bono, Carrot Top
Confusion abounds

— Vin Douchal

Middle hot, no drink?
Just poured it on hammer head.
He went KABLOOEY!

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Flaming ‘Bag of Poo
Is really kinda crafty:
False teeth boob magnets

— saulgoode42

Those fuccen Russkies
Lost the cold war but managed
To keep best hookers

— Wedgie

Bag-ady Ann Doll
Bratz dolls have to play with him
They lost the receipt

— DRK

NICE RED HAIR, ASSHOLE
HIGH CHEEKBONES, OR GIANT ZIT
COUGARS SEEK LOST YOUTH

— IVAN BAGGO

Reverse Weird Science
Girls create 90s troll doll
regret decision

— jonezy

I, too, like Junior
Bacon Cheeseburgers, but I
don’t dress like Wendy.

— massengill

Ball State Kevin and Party Girl Kelly Party with Karen

This one hurts on a deeper karmic level than most.

Not just because Kevin is the most worthless undies poking genera-twit to come down the pike since early Spencer Pratt.

But because Party Girl Kelly has now roped Karen in to Kevin’s woo-boy antics.

This is what happens when the mating pool is shallower than a Louisiana creek during turtle season.

Turtles poo on the shoreline.

Problems in the American Rural Midwest

Forget high unemployment, high gas prices and the struggling middle class.

Lets focus on the real problem:

How Kevin from Ball State, kicked out sophomore year for dealing in the quad, somehow got Ubertasty Party Girl Kelly.

I know what happened.

It’s gotta be the phat Goodfellas poster in Kevin’s living room.

That’s phat with a “ph.” Phat.

Chimpy McWhack

Greasy, kissy lipped and serving as a man chair is no way to go through life, Son.

Kelly’s besties will be giggling about this all through summer classes at Iowa State, so laugh it up now, Chimpy McWhack. Laugh it up now.

‘Bag / Nottabag

I put it to you, Greg.

Is Armond here a ‘bag for the douche-wear? Or do we give him a nottabag and a goinpeace?

There’s two large conceptual revelations that are distracting me…

clouding and confusing my judgment with gravitational pull…

must… figure it out…

Want…

Second City’s Douchebag

Douche humor in scripted form. Five+ years since we started the revolution, and the mock continues in many forms and permutations. Some funny. Some not so funny. Some that pay the DB1. And some that don’t.