Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Dougie Clings to Fading Youth

Somewhere, in a condo apartment in Jersey City, Long Island, a ten year old girl wonders why her newly divorced daddy keeps going out at night dressed like a douche.

Don’t worry, little Tonya. Tuck yourself in and sleep tightly.

For Daddy won’t get far with that Faux. Your new mommy will not be one of the waitresses from the Dew Drop Inn.

Sons and Daughters of the Devolution: Children of the Porsche

See the Children of the Porsche.

See them romanticize.

See them spread their vile seed across this foul landscape.

Be warned, fellow travelers. Stock up on water, HoHos, cheap alcohol and pellet guns. For the Devolution is coming. And there is no hope.

The Stay Tuft Marshmallow Man Approves

The Stay Tuft Marshmallow Man may only have a moment to take a timeout for bothering Confused Connie at the Bar, but it’s long enough to say:

“Yo. I approve of Manos: the Pecs of Fate and Back Arch Marsha winning the HCwDB of the Week. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am pale.”

HCwDB of the Week: Manos:The Pecs of Fate and Sultry Brunette Back Arch Marsha

Between this garish trainwreck of smelly diaper poo, and the subsequent #2 of this flip-book crisis of a film dynasty, Manos,The Pecs of Fate II: Ass Pear Reveal Thigh Grab, we have a winner (loser).

Manos offers Pecs O’ Douche.

And Sultry Brunette Back Arch Marsha is all sorts of squeeze play dirty.

This wasn’t an easy win (loss), as last week saw solid competition. There was Real World Rockerdouche hitting on Girlfriend Kaitlyn, the moley moley moley of Gretchen’s Mole, the high school ludicrousness and tasty barely legal real world hott of The Promtard and Kelly, there was Vegas Jake’s Chin Pubes, there was Crotch Skull, and there was Pear.

Dearest Elijah, such luscious Pear.

But no combo had the toxic wrongness like The Manos.

A quality uberdouchey coupling for our next HCwDB of the Month.

And your narrator sips his coffee and gears up for a busy week as we head into the July 4th Holiday.

Thanks to all for their submissions that keep this site going, some great stuff just came into the ole in-box. And if you wanna send along your hottie/douchey tags, just use the big “Submit” button at the top of this page, or send along to douchebag1 at the URL for this site.

Cuz thass what I do, folks.

‘Baguettes Make a Music Video in Hollywood

Yet more from the Rebecca Black “so bad it’ll go viral” school of promotional nonsense.

I don’t care how firm the butt bongos are. The Holy Ganesh needs to summon a rain to wash away this wretched hive of scum and villainy en toto.

HCwDB Comment of the Week: Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche wins the coveted HCwDB Comment of the Week for this nice eviseration of Real World Rockerdouche Tommy mugging your uberhott ex-girlfriend Kaitlyn:

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His tatt was clearly inspired (and possibly given to him by) Amy Winehouse. See her head just poking out from under his sleeve? In his fantasy her arms have been replaced by two rifle-like carrots that shoot Baby Jesus butt plugs at each other. The long blue squiggle is a Cookie Monster/Grover disembowelment she participated in as a young crack wench at her kindergarten with that kid who shoved EVERYTHING up his nose and the green splotches represent all the money she pissed away on crack and rehab (no no no). It’s all pretty clear once you recognize the imagery. And the Fact that it was done at a concession stand in the Harrisburg Senators in under 5 minutes makes it that more artistic and shit.
—–

Friday Thoughts and Links

Oh Slavic Europe.

How strangely hilarious your fashion sense is.

At least American Douchebags maintain a consistency of garishness.

Your tiny Nordic Ferrets are techno creeper.

But your Tiny Nordic Hotts, complete with mesh boob reveal, do offer pure suckle thigh. Like “Virgen” Water from Uraguay.

Which isn’t in Europe. Or so they tell me. Yup. Time to start drinking. The DB1 is making no sense whatsoever.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Mole Pick of the Week: Mole!

Ever wonder what airline pilots really talk to each other about during a flight? Answer: “Homosexuals and a granny.”

Most days, I’m deeply and unhealthily obsessed with alpacas. Every so often, I make room for Condescending Llama.

Does winning the Stanley Cup give you permission to douche it up shirtless, standing on a bar, and demonstrating toxic groin shave reveal? No. No it does not. Yup, it’s Hot Chicks with Stanley Cup Douchebags. Even if it’s my hometown Bruins, and I’m proud of ’em, I gotta call a ‘bag a ‘bag.

God Hates ‘Bags.

Oh racist Bugs Bunny. How you tell the real history of this country, even as our collective media memory loves to forget.

Here’s one from the Department of Redundant Polls.

Need a little uber-pumped up creepily European steroid pumping uberdouche to go with your Friday? Of course you do (Warning: Ubergay and Uberdouchey)

But you are not here for ubergay pumped up ubershlort. You are here for quality pear:

Rafaeli Pear.

Like two perfectly levened matzoh balls of rugaleh chomp.

Go forth and celebrate Friday like it’s Friday in its most Rebeccablackian sense.

Which for me means sitting at home on my dirty-ass rug, drinking Mr. Pibb, burping loudly, watching Tom Baker era Doctor Who DVDs, and scratching myself inappropriately.

Constance Bagopoulous

There’s an old Henny Youngman joke that goes, and I’m paraphrasing, “Ever see a douchebag in a pink shirt rubbing up on a hot Greek girl? That guy’s a douchebag!”

Wait, I think I got the punchline wrong.

Friday Haiku

Technicolor vag
And Loony Toons torso man
Put the “ink” in “stink”

– DS

Pregnancy ruins
gunt tatt for dopey bleeth chick.
Scribbles doesn’t care.

– Troy Tempest

Rising from her taint
Like a Phoenix from Ashes
The ashes are crabs

– jonezy

Plastic gears and rings
Tattoo needle attachment
Hasbro Spirograph

– Vin Douchal

Newspaper boy has
Religion and Comics. Sports
Results go to page taint.

– The Reverend Chad Krœger

Her vajayjay looks
Like it just self tossed its own
Salad. Now that’s art!

– Nancy Dreuche

Tony Has Abs

Angie is touching them.

The walls have lights on them.

Ikea sold a couch.

Lets move on.