Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

The Roastbeefer

On rye.

With extra cheese.

Where’s Waldouche?: Hott Soup Edition

Sam writes in:

—–
Twenty-two college freshman hotts accompanied by one bag-a-tron in upper-left. He goes to my university. His grades are terrible. His grandfather invented the magnetic strips that go on credit cards.

But enough worrying about him and back to the twenty-two fine ladies.
—–

I would rub only the finest of imported Grecian mint jellies upon each of their bellies whilst humming the theme to Night Court in an off-key baritone. Then I would repose quietly to the barn with only a candlestick and a book of poems by Emo Phillips to comfort me through the night.

Long Island Bob and Layla

I’d almost be inclined to give Long Island Bob a rockerbag nottadouche and goinpeace. Even with the Elvis sideburns, the stupid tatts, the silly shirt, and the wriststrap thingy. For Long Island Bob seems relatively benign. Happy to be there.

Just a semi-employed rockerbag who means well and is generally harmless to society.

But then there’s the chin pubes.

And this must not pass.

Douche.

Mmmm…. Slinky Layla. You have legs of purest organic farm raised chicken bone slather chomp. Two taut and tan morsels of munch suckle. I would leech like a hungry Pleco atop an algae wafer for six consecutive sundays, and then return to the Mikveh for ritual penance.

Dubai ‘Bag Laughs at You

Remember kids:

Every time you fill up your car with gasoline, you help another greasy Dubai douchebag order overpriced bottle service for the ladies.

Go electric.

It’s not just about the environment.

It’s about defunding douchebag nightlife.

This P.S.A. brought to you by Partnership For a Douchebag Free Environment (PFDFE). (Pronounced “Pufadefe”)

Pop Quiz: Identify the Beachtatt Pud

Using only the thigh tatts of this hovering Beachtatt Pud about to offer the lady a Bud Light Lime, name that ‘Bag:

A. Greased up alternate emo Punker Choadmuscle

B. Classic Jersey fist pumper raisin flushstain

C. Bartender facially funged Scottsdale orange tanned backwash

D. Diaper wearing bald glasses wearing hipster nerdbag

Click here for the answer

Mr. Lickeywipe Approves

Mr. Lickeywipe approves of his fellow formally named Mr. Hawk winning the HCwDB of the Week.

Party Girl Hannah, she of the swollen, almost alien, mamms, once made out with Heather in a bathroom at Katsuya. So she approves as well.

This pic is just making me feel dirty. Lets move on.

HCwDB of the Week: Mr. Hawk Doesn’t Deserve This and Hottie Heather

Last week we had a Doggie ‘Baggin’ Old Bag (‘Eyyyy!) and a greasy bar puker. A clubbed out Brothabag with a Mocha Princess and Creepy Mutant Douchelips hitting on Cheerleader Hotts.

But among them all, no cohabit felt as legitimately wrong as Mr. Hawk’s tie wearing stupid hair kissing of doe eyed Hottie Heather.

And while there may have been stronger douchegaggers from last week, and some equivalently hottie hotts, it’s the combination en toto that defines the Boobie/Scrotey Dialogics.

And by En Toto, I mean Roseanna.

Chalk up Sir Hawk and Heather for the next Monthly, as your humble narrator stumbles around his dirty-ass living room and wonders about investing in a Dyson. Even if that Dyson guy is way creepy in the ads.

Douche Rap

Yet more from the cottage industry of post-HCwDB douche humor, here’s a mildly amusing rap, even if it beats the joke into the ground like a post-Monolith star ape discovering a bone can be a weapon.

And here’s another one from French Canada.

The Mock spreads in many languages and cultures. And that’s always a good thing.

Comment of the Week: Nancy Dreuche on Peen Reveal

In the Jimmy’s Stupid Lips thread, Nancy Dreuche wins the coveted Comment of the Week by summing up the various perverted ways that men may show women their phallus:

——
Painting a picture of your peen and giving it to a woman you’ve been cyber stalking for over a year. Artistic Pervert. Paper machéing a replica of your peen and giving it to your high school sweetheart. Romantic Pervert. Using your peen as the inspiration for your next building design to impress all the women (and a few men) in that city. Architectual Pervert. Alluding to your peen as “Jesus sized”. RevChad Pervert. Making multiple peen references around a woman you just met. Nervous Pervert.
—–

Friday Thoughts and Links

Douches with ‘hawks and licky tongue are like a festering pus pimple on the fleshy ass check of civilization.

That is my only deep thought on this Friday aft’.

That, and Sun Chips are chip crack for the soul.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week:“Hi. Ed Ramsey from Delos. If there’s anyone who doesn’t know what Delos is, well, as we’ve always said: Delos is the vacation of the future, today.”

If you’re interested in keeping up with the goings on of your humble narrator, I’m Jewcy.

Speaking of your humble narrator, ever wonder what I dream about at night? Now you know.

Hidden boobcam on hot French Chick proves earth revolves around sun.

Long overdue: Teens set each other on fire. Back in the 80s, we just put Snaps up our nose.

Suburban White Jerzeybags watch a Tornado, call each other “Nigga.”

Reason #53 why Japan pwns our asses.

Nothing promotes the new season of a show quite like Douche Fights.

If Jim Carrey can bomb horribly on the Tonight Show in 1983, there’s hope for all of us.

Odious Oldbag Sir Ivan makes me want to cauterize my nads with a flaming q-tip. What a heaping pile of flaming poo this elephant sack is. Watch “The Dungeon” clip at your own risk.

But you are done mocking Oldbags and you want your reward. Here it is:

Teddy Fondle Pear.

That pretty much visualizes my first erotic dream when I was nine. So for that, I salute with a HoHo and sail off into Friday ‘eve satiated and scratchy.