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Friday, June 10, 2011
Mr. Hawk Does Not Deserve This
In some weird alternate universe of inverted quark spin, a place where Tom Wolfe inspired Masters of the Universe asswipes dominate the financial industries while sporting giant greasy mohawks, Mr. Hawk scores Hottie Heather.
And the space/time continuum collapses into a singularity of suck.
Friday, June 10, 2011Friday Haiku
Brought to you by DarkSock:
Mom and Jackson 5
Get busy in prom Limo;
Finger Lickin’ Good
Slumdog Hundredaire
Picks his nose new school style
Milf mom looks to escape
– Et Tu Douche
Mmm licking fingers
Taste like curry and shitwipe
Trunk ride on way back
– Vin Douchal
Osmond family
has its reunion ruined
by Jermaine Jackson
– Medusa Oblongata
Last ditch attempt to
Kick out the gay involves forced
Orgy with white chicks.
– The Reverend Chad Kroeger
Devry Institute
prom van. Earn degree in stink
finger in 3 weeks.
– Cool Hand Douche
Hold on a second.
If the driver is back here,
Then who is drive- AAAAAUUUUUGGHHH!
– Jacques Doucheteau
Thursday, June 9, 2011HCwDB After Dark: King Douchuous the IV Edition
Pull up a sofa chair and grab a fried Twinkie from the kitchen!! It’s HCwDB After Dark.
Where we sip quality box wine, kick off our shoes, and meditate on the hottie/douchey dialectics.
Today, we consider the King once again. For there are many carriers of the Grieco Virus in 2011.
Few are as epic as The King.
Even Brunette Mandy can’t survive the douchal radiation for long. Soon, Pink Hat Tilt and groin shave reveal bikini drop emerge.
Not that there’s anything wrong with groin shave reveal bikini drop on a Woo Hottie. It’s called the Douchadox. And it is hypocritical inconsistency at its most suckle thighish.
Thursday, June 9, 2011‘Ey! Whossgot da Benjamins?!
Morty got da Benjamins!!
Thursday, June 9, 2011Scooter Helps Roxie Find Her Pole
When the strip clubs are closed, and it’s 11am on a Tuesday, Scooter and Roxie are masters at the art of improvisation.
Meanwhile, in the background, Ted discovers he has an itch.
Last Night at the “Wing Ding Shack” was epic, yo.
Scooter’s gonna write about it in his diary.
If Scooter had a diary.
And if Scooter could write.
Thursday, June 9, 2011Douchebag with Promotional Materials
Joey would like you to offer you this literature in case you were considering a career as a scrotey choadwank shoe poo assgargle.
The Paid-to-Pose Tapout girls reconsider their decision to quit the night shift at Sizzler.
Thursday, June 9, 2011Slumdog Hundredaire
Workin’ the night shift at Arby’s pays MAD cash, yo!!
I haven’t been this disturbed since 1970s Tom Baker Doctor Who played with alien blob penis.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011Grease Witherspoon
Sunglasses Inside.
Body grease.
Dozens of giggle hotts gaggling around some dude who just got fired from the Goldman-Sachs “Interns for Assholes” training program.
There’s a formula for this wrongness. And it involves investment banking.
I see you, Patricia In the Lime Green Bikini. Your radiant smile smites all molds, spores and fungi and makes pillows and laundry extra fluffy. And so I talk to you about your affections for Bud Light Lime. And even drink one. Which is as far as I can sell out for additional chances to see some inner boobal cleavite while you’re distracted when the D.J. plays “All the Single Ladies.”
Wednesday, June 8, 2011Reader Mail: Mr. Biggs’s Where’s Waldouche?
HCwDB’s own Mr. Biggs goes to Vegas and comes back with this quality Waldouche tag:
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Somewhere in this lineup of heavily subsidized Memorial Day woo librarian hotties, I’ve hidden a garden variety preening Vegas club douche.
Look closely.
Can you ignore the Pretention for Men hair grease long enough to find him?
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EDIT: Was Mr. Biggs, not Wheezer, who submitted the pic. Stupid Night Train hangover.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011Reader Mail: Mr. Pink
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Boss,
It’s been a while since I have joined the mock, but I come to you in extreme forgiveness with a sacrifice of a fully, self-admitted full-blown douche.
This creature, knowingly, & willingly practices the Dark Arts of Douchbaggery like some kind of Grand Wizard of the Jersey Shore without shame, commanding the will of the Grieco Virus to do his bidding for the evil conquest of the Hott.
As a long-time follower, I ask you DB1, bring the wrath of HCwDB down upon him like the chosen prophet that you are, weaving a trapestry of scripture like never before heard!
Have no mercy on his wretched soul as he asked to be cast down!
May the mock wage on and keep up the stellar work my friend! The world needs you…
-Battlescrote Gallactica
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He is pink. She is hot. I need a coffee.
