Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Friday Thoughts and Links

Sometimes ‘bag hunters will stop me in the street and ask me, “DB1, why you smell like prunes?”

After I explain the intricacies of the digestive tract deprived of fruits and vegetables outside of a Hostess Pie, they then ask me something else.

“DB1, if you grant a performative leniency rule for scrotes whose job it is to perform scrotily, why doesn’t it apply to D.J.s?”

And I answer softly. Because D.J.s are camel poo. And Linda needs a sammich.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Indie Doc of the Week: “Kill Your Idols!”

The winner for douchiest energy drink of 2011? Blue Storm. Bringing douchey American culture to Afghanistan since 2002.

Speaking of the military, eagle-eyed reader justadouchalo catches Closet of Poo legend, Poo, being called out for pretending to have been a military P.O.W. Irony alert: When his ‘real’ name is “Winslow Jefferson Ballsworth” it may not be a real profile. Just a consideration.

Ever wonder what happens when a nerdy math geek meets a douchey hairstyle? Of course you have.

Jon Stewart takes on The Nanny. Back in 1997.

The greatest punk band of them all: The Buzzcocks. 1978.

Speaking of old music, there is only one B.O.C.

Or if you’re looking for current stuff, lately I’ve been digging on Cut Copy. Even if the video is hipster stupid, that track both evokes, and subverts, New Wave tropes.

More Cut Copy here. Walking the fine line of techno douchey, but I’d argue they transcend.

Some days I like to sit by a fire, enjoy a tasty chocodile and milk, and read some Vonnegut or Melville. Some days I like to gnaw on this.

But you are not here for Gummi gnaw. You are here for Pear:

Real World Russian Pool Pear.

Where droplets and Green Cards collide.

Enjoy. For the Weekend is upon.

Costa Wins at the Game of Life

Good on you, Costa.

Your style may be eccentric, a variant on “Castaway Tom Hanks” and mid-career Cheech, but your joy at briefly fondling the Holy Hott Chomp Suckle seen in Hot Mom Sarina earns you a nottadouche and a goinpeace.

Fare thee well, hirsute stranger.

Fare thee well.

Friday Haiku

Those of you aroused
Will be crushed to realize
This is my peen’s tip…

It is rare indeed
When meat curtains meet curtains
Smiles all around

— saulgoode42

Shrink wrapped ground ass chuck
Begs “Poke a hole with your thumb”
Like child at market.

— johnny applesack

gentle smiling butt
supple under smiling sheets
waiting for my peen.

— Troy Tempest

Fenny’s butt-cover
Does not fool a connoisseur
One-of-a-kind ass

— Wedgie

Hidden behind sheet
Round supple buttocks fart
In timid repose.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Smiley faces; you’d smile too
If you were there
Up against that Pear

— Chris in ‘Baghdad

a hint of ass pear
wizard behind the curtain
enough here to fap?

— Douche Springsteen

You may be turned on
But will become nauseous;
This is a front view

— DoucheyWallnuts

R.E.M. gave us
“happy, shiney people”. She
gives I.O.B. cramp.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

Smiley faced curtain
my cock would tear right through you
into glorious pear

— Mandouchian Candidate

During the drug raid,
The D.E.A agent asks,
“Where’d you hide the crack?”

— hermit

Reader Mail: The Recession and ‘Baggery

—–
Boss –

Bilbodouchebaggins
——

I’m one of those who sees the great recession as somewhat of a good, or maybe just a necessary thing.

Our entire social fabric of the mid 2000s was corroded by a cesspool of preening narcissism, self indulgence, ego, greed, and vacuous navel gazing. It was a dark time.

Our nation spent those pre-crash years in a state of utter denial. Fetishizing the richest and assholiest among us for living a life of unfettered greed. The Douchebag, as an icon, began as a denial of community, responsibility, logic and education. A Cult of the Know-Nothing Self. Preening ego self-worship as virtue, rather than vice. We still see these impulses today, although they’ve given way to more violent forms of rhetoric like racism and xenophobia.

Back then it was credit card consumption as replacement for the boring realities of actual life. Bigger and bigger SUVs and Hummers, with shittier and shittier mileage, just to prove what badasses we were.

A giant f-you to everyone but ourselves and our own desires to gratify whatever urges we had. Thus, douchebag culture.

Then the bill came.

For all the Grey Goose and Red Bull shooters we ordered without checking the price first.

Finally paying the real-world cost for action we took that we couldn’t pay for is, in the end, a good thing. So long as we learn the harsh lessons about the corrupt douche culture we indulged in for far too long.

Three Fake Boobs

“Oh, how are we going to stop this fiendish tit?”

EDIT: Laurie’s Cantaloupes make national news.

Asswipius The III Says “Challoooo laddiez…”

And The Giggle Ladies With Daddy Issues swarm.

A Roadie Named Bart Gets Lucky

Lotta complaints in the threads about some of the skeezier pics over the past few days. Alls I gotta say is the douche extremes help to define the margins of alterity. And if you think any those ladies are trannies, you haven’t met a tranny.

Anyways, lets tone it back with some classic HCwDB.

Bart drops his years carrying amps for Maroon 5 to Kelly and Angela.

Kelly and Angela are supple taught pokey bounce.

They may not be classic beauties, and are trashy Bleethy with the makeup. But Kelly and Angela’s firm hindquarters sing metaharmonic odes to fractal patterns, the Universal Om, and rem-speed hallucinogenic humpty hump.

Happy 5772!!

Happy New Year to all Hebraic readers of the Talmudic persuasion. 5,772 years ago, the culture that bought us this and this, and, oh yeah, your humble narrator, began its calendar.

That video needs more Semitic Hottness, and less Orthobags.

Something Went Wrong on the Path to Enlightenment

When the righteous wish to settle in tranquility, G-d says: “Is it not enough for the righteous what is prepared for them in the World to Come, that they also ask for a tranquil life in this world?”

– Rashi’s commentary on Genesis 37:1

Brothabag Jesus Is Not in the Military

Brothabag Jesus’s facial pubes do, however, have a tendency to emit dishonorable discharges.

Tall Jenny likes long walks on the beach, candle lit dinners, and mild forms of leather-based masochism.