Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

It’s a Hard Knock Life for DJ

Ever think about what it’s like to be a celebrity D.J?

One minute you’re cranking up the iTunes pre-set playlist and pretending to do things with record players on a stage over thousands of sweaty state-school giggle hotties with limited vocabulary and sweaty poochle thighs.

The next, you’re selling your sphincter for crack beads and vending machine hot pockets outside a boarded up Woolworths off Interstate 5 and hoping there’s a sale on Cup O’ Soup at the local Big Lots.

And the painted ponies go up and down…

The Shushsterbag

Rare do we come uponst an innovative ‘bag gesture these days, but there it is.

David Shushterbag, replete with grenade tatt, facial pube linearity, and stupid face, ignoring Trashy Hott and Enhanced Jerzey Nichole.

It’s enough to jumpstart an electric muffin.

No idea what that means.

Coffee.

Beach Hottness Sophie and Bro Johnson Dispute the HCwDB of the Week

For punishment, Beach Hottness Sophie will now commence with my windpipe crushing between her taut, oily, slightly salty tasting with a dash of lotion and parika, upper thigh areas, while I gasp for my last breath of air in a delicious swirl of conscious losing fatigue.

Oh how I would gnaw coquettishly uponst her glutes for an escape from the clutches of death that would never arrive, like a delayed and relentless corporeal priapism throughout the synapses of my suffering, punished soul.

HCwDB of the Week: Herman Herpster and Taut Miranda

For bringing retched white-boy trust fund entitlement buried in the stupid-lobes and punchworthy doucheface, H.H. was as toxic as it got last week.

Taut Miranda is purity of skin chewtoy. She has the sunny smile and heaving bosoms of righteous disposition that inspires bake sales, Crusades, and violent overthrows of dictators and fruit rollup factories.

And lets not forget their second appearance in The Herpsterpocalypse.

Together, they’re the first HCwDB of the Month entrant in our last round before the 2011 Douchie Awards in December.

They bested some strong competition including Bleethy Barbie and Fawkshead, Dirty Harry and 1920s Marissa, and the Weekly runner-up from the Friday Haiku, Abs n’ Crabs.

But last week was also a great week for female hottitude. Lets not forget the dreamlike suckle thighs of Beach Hottness Sophie. Nor the temptations of Barely Legal Jenna.

Lotta potentials in there for the 2011 Douchie Awards.

Speaking of which, while an official request for Regs to hand out awards is coming later this week, if ya wanna give out a Douchie Award, drop a line.

In the meantime, your humble narrator for Granola and milk. Cuz I’m healthy like that, yo.

Hiphop Wigga Douche Discovers After Effects Plug-Ins

Hilarity does not ensue.

A free bottle of Jelly Beans to the first viewer to make it past the :30 mark!

Editor’s note: This video is neither psychedelic, nor futuristic.

Comment of the Week: Medusa Oblongata

Hall of Mock enshrinee and noted ‘bag huntress Medusa Oblongata weighs in on the tattooed Bleething of Barbie, with the following righteous rant, and wins the coveted Comment of the Week:

————
Tattoos are not for kids, and it sickens me that people are trying to make it this way. They’re not for kids, they’re for grownups, and this Barbie has the worst possible example of tattoos there is: The neck tattoo.

I’m going to have Mr. B. give me a good fisting, and tear out my uterus. He’ll toss it to our three-headed hellhound, Peanut Oblongata, who will surely gobble it up. No seed shall ever creep in there to bring forth life to which Madison Avenue can then market. And bullshit that doll won’t be in toy stores, I’ve seen the Bob Mackie Barbies in with the pedestrian Barbies, Mattell is full of pink plastic shit.
—————-

Friday Thoughts and Links

We have seen many oiled up Beach Hottness on this site over the years.

But ne’er have I more desired to be power crushed between two sexy suckle thighs of musculature female tilling the fields thigh power crunchitude around my windpipes.

Oh orgasmic woe!!

How soft and deft doth death’s sweet touch be!

When Sophie’s tense and strong, yet softly sweet, thighs envelop my esophageal area in a cataclysmic tidal wave of End Times Dogs and Cats Living Together Mass Hysteria suffocation.

Her suckle supple chew dog spankle showers Freudian Death Drive erotics/necrotics dialectics arrive via perfect pooch spackle.

And Bro Johnson sucks.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Classic Book Pick of the Week: “Sammy would walk up to a director and say, ‘Spencer Tracy and Marlene Dietrich in Titanic. Do I have to say any more?'”

Yet more signs of the Bleething of American Hotties: Totally Stylin’ Tattoos Barbie!. Parents not amused. Tramp Stamp Included.

Foghorn Leghorn considers running for Congress.

Bros

More Bros

Premature Pear to counter the fact that those Bros pics even exist in a harsh and cruel universe.

Ever get confused by bearded asswipes in Silverlake?: Try The Herpster Translator

Lost your I.D.? Try a taco.

What a strange world we live in when Steve Harvey’s Family Feud is busting out raunchy comedy bits.

But you are not here for Family Feud clips. You are here for Pear. And even though Premature Pear already took place, here you go:

Mocha Pear

For the Sista Hott lovers among us. Go forth. Go forth and imbibe.

Dirty Harry’s Facial Pubes Got Run Over by a Truck

It’s enough to make me swear off Coumadin for a generation.

I have no idea what that means.

I’m babbling worse than Roman Polanski on the set of iCarly.

Marissa has the angelic smile and S&M underpinnings of 1930’s movie star and It Girl Jean Harlow.

Friday Haiku

“Hi! We are your hosts!
Welcome to Abs n’ Crabs, Sir;
Care to see our groins?”

Muscle Man’s tattoo
Reads, “Please help pull up my pants”
Peg pees down own leg

— saulgoode42

Stumpy likes his groin
Bleeth wants some cock action now!
Looks in her own pants.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Amir runs from scene
Allergic reaction to
Preparation H

— Vin Douchal

The Groin Shave Reveal
Combined with Short Man’s Syndrome
Results in Douchebag

— DoucheyWallnuts

Phallus barely hid,
Nipples weep in Mandarin
For the shame of man

— Ponderonymous

She finds the meaning
of “Ancient Chinese Secret”
he has no penis.

— Medusa Oblongata

Were his legs shrunk by
‘roids or Preparation H?
Brain’s still water-logged.

— Wheezer

Herpsterpocalypse

Brought to you by plaid pants, rare-ass clear cup, and Heineken!

Heineken.

The beer of Herpsers the world over!