Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Parappa the Rappa

Kick! Punch! It’s all in the mind!

Tongues Over Miami

I’m pretty sure there’s a knock knock joke that ends like this. Either that, or the one that ends “orange you glad I didn’t say banana?”

“Pectatts and Boobies”

Interestingly, “Pectatts and Boobies” was also the working title for John Denver’s first country album.

Herman Herspter Spreads his Taint

Lovely Taut Suckle Miranda wears the hipster irono-glasses that show the taint has taken hold.

Timmy Clown Scores Perfect Jenna

Somewhere, off in the violet hued dawn sky, across dry plains and cracked wilderness where sagebrush withers and sand dust sputters, a weary coyot’ sees this picture, sniffs sadly, howls forlornly, and drops a steamy turd on a cactus plant.

Baseball Player A.J. Pierzynski Makes More Money Than You

Given it’s baseball World Series time and all, here’s major league something something A.J. Pierzynski proving, once again, that baseball players live better lives than you do.

Here’s Pierzynski demonstrating how millionaires are, in fact, job creators, and should be taxed less.

Svetnya is very pleased to meet you, now please go and fetch her another cocktail napkin, oh you are not a waiter? then nevermind but please leave anyway, unless you play the baseball as well, in which case you may stay.

HCwDB of the Month: The Herpster and Librarian Laura

In a tight oily grease-off with the classic crypto-gay ‘bag stench brought by the Lancelot Boyz in presence of Hott Vanessa , Herpsal innovation was just too much to overcome.

The voters speak:

Maxim Kovalenko: The Herpster. Because no picture in the history of this site demonstrates what to do, and what NOT to do. Besides, I just wanna take a sledgehammer to his little bowtie.

Ol’ Dirty Douchebag: The Herpster because “Junk Formalwear” needed to be invented.

FlipFriddle: The Herpster FTW (or our eyes and good taste FTL (for the loss)). A Douche that creates his own sub-genre is Hall of Scrote bound. Off you go!

Vin Douchal: Librarian Glasses Laura woo girl is hott. Bleethy bangalicious lickety hipgrind squirt Labradoodle Coppertone scented slipperiness sexfun.

One for the Choad: Froholio deserves instant induction into the Hall of Scrote, but the combination of the Herpster and Librarian Laura has the best balance of hot chick and douchebag, even if Laura has spent the last three months practicing that pose in the mirror. Herpster for the win, and societal loss.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche: Now when ever we say “herpster” an immediate image will come to mind of this unholy fertilization between an egg that should have remained stuck in the menstrual blood of a $3 whore’s tampon and the cannon juice of Kim Jong-Il.

Mrs. Something: My vote goes to the Herpster because I want to do the exact opposite of fitting him with my flesh tuxedo. Which I guess would be NOT fitting him with my flesh tuxedo.

Condouchious: Don’t let the glasses fool you, Librarian Laura is neither librarian or nuclear scientist. But I’ll live with my delusions and enjoy her pose. Bonus hott: the tasty Dancer Marie.

tall guy: horrible as the recognition most surely was, I’ve just noticed The Herpster is wearing Speedos, which is, of course, so very, very wrong even without that stupid little bow tie and vest shite.

Wedgie: I have a thing for librarians, ever since as a young Wedgelet I met a pretty young thing at our local library whose image haunted me through puberty. In other words, last month.

Douche of Hazard: Herpster. She is kind of hot. He is wearing a tuxedo and carrying a gun. He is the James Bond of dueches.

The Reverend Chad Kroeger: The Herpster because he makes me want to roll around violently with Rachael Ray in a family sized tub of penne with rose sauce and spank her with EVOO and Parmagianno-Reggiano while I ass feed her with Laura’s head.

CB Popped: FTW it has to be The Herpster for giving us the new sub species of Douche. That combined with Librarian gets my vote.

Douchese of Laval: the Chippendale wanna-be you can smell from here. With stupid tattoos he’s afraid to reveal to his boss at work and the delusion that he owns the place. Laura is prime hottness. Put them together and you have a monthly winner, folks!

Chris in ‘Baghdad: the Herpster, with his 1,000 yard PTSD stare, plus the gay little swimsuit…FTW!!!!

Doucheywallnuts: The Herpster and Laura’s glasses FTW (loss), for he packs the wallop and engenders the disgust of two prodigeous douches such as The Boyz in one tatted, head-tilted package.

Well parsed and mocked, Team, gold stars all around. Innovation in douchebaggery while ignoring taut hott butt rubb (THBR) is definitely award worthy. But PTA Mom Vanessa and the classic mockery of the Lancelot Boyz was a close second:

FoghornLeghorn: Yoda: Hmm, for the win, then is Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa.

Et Tu Douche?: The Lancelot boys are all in when it comes to their commitment to baggery. It’s a lifestyle they fully embrace. There is no flip flopping with them. As For PTA Mom Vanessa she’s hott in various ways, hell even the cigarette kind of gets me going. Her B( . )( .)Bs might be saggy but they’re real and that’s a good thing.

The Dude: The Dude casts his vote for the Lancerots and the Smoking, Hott PTA MILF Vanessa, with a lingering nod to Librarian Butt girl, and by nod I mean nose snuzzle.

Choad the Douche Sprocket: normally, me likes me hotties with more meat on their bones (and especially their gams), but gazing into the ginormous shades and empty brains of the Boyz inspires in me certain homicidal thoughts, i.e., to front-load a pick-ax into their vacuous visages…therefore: Murder = The Win (Loss) for these poseurs.

Hurl Scheibe: It’s that f#cking sneer that makes me want to stick a 10″ rusted nail into the tip of a Doc Marten and kick those turds in the bnuts, Tom Dempsey style.

That sneer, indeed. A violent metaphor, but apropos, H.S. The odiousness of Tommy Pak and the Giggle Ladies (and hand of Collective Unconscious) came in a solid third:

icame isaw idouched: Tommy Pak FTW. This wad of fuck could care less about the Hotts, he to busy salivating over the reach around from the dude behind him.

Hermit: Maria and Consuela were just two well-behaved schoolgirls enjoying life and studying hard at Catholic School in Las Cruses, New Mexico. But since they started rolling with T-Pak, their life has become a hellish death plunge into a purgatorial nightmare for which there is no absolution, even from The Pope himself.

hatealldouches: Tommy Pak gets the vote this month. Sure, Consuela may be a bit average, but Maria on the left is smokin’, so that gets the HC vote. And as icame isaw mentioned, in the purest of douche behavior, Pak’s only concern is about himself and the reach around he’s getting from his buddy. Clearly THAT is what has him excited.

And poor Froholio and Hangin’ on Kaylie finished fourth, but with support as well, and by support, I mean hairspray:

Nostradouchus: Froholio is head and douchie hair above the rest.

skrag2112: I judge these on a scale of how many shovels I’d like to apply to the face of said douche, and Froholio definitely wins with a 9 out of 10 faceshovels. I’d never give any douche a perfect 10 because that would imply they are perfect at something, and I don’t want to inflate their egos any larger.

I R A Darth Aggie: No, DJ Froholio your hair stylings and your belief that you get the rock star exemption. You can see it in his eyes, that smirk, the duds and the Jesus bling.

I thought the same, Mr. A, but pro-baggery just doesn’t rankle the way authentic scrotery does. And Kayle just couldn’t compete on the hott side neither. This was Herposity’s time to take us towards 2012. Lets let idfma take us home:

It’s a tough call, but it’s gotta be the Herpster. Between the hideous tapestry tattooed to his chest, and the tuxedo speedo that’s almost as flat in front as the beautiful Vanessa’s – the Herpster seems like a special kind of douche – one who might get the girl, but not be able to do anything with her once he does. His vacant look puts the cherry on top.

Well put, idfma, and that’s why we call ’em our winners (losers) and next-to-last entrant at the 2011 Douchie Awards in December. Book ’em, Dano, and your humble narrator for Frosted Mini Wheats.

In an Economic Recession, Won’t Somebody Please Think of the Unemployed Roadies?

Roadies gotta eat, too.

And by gotta eat, too, I mean bother Barnard dropout hottie, Upper East Side Esther.

Six Pound Watch weighs heavily on the collective soul of the Jungian unconscious.

Breaking: Someone Named Brenda Song Gets Engaged to Some Herpster

ehcuodouche writes in with news of barely legal Asian Hott Brenda Song getting engaged to Billy Ray Jr. or something:

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A sad day for me, as uberhott Asian goddess Brenda Song has gotten engaged to an uberdouche Cyrus spawn…apparently because he knocked her up. I blame Disney. Nothing else can explain how such a sweet young woman can so embarrass her ancestors. Attached is a pic of the “herpy” couple.
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I don’t know who any of these people are, but I do know they are silly people. And that if L.A. Radio plays “Pumped Up Kicks” one more time, I’ll set Silverlake on fire.

One Word Tuesday

Moulting.