Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Todd and Lenny in “Of Mice and ‘Bags”

We live in a crazy world, my friends. A crazy world.

But no matter how silly it gets out there, you can always come here.

To HCwDB.

To marvel at Douchey Todd, he of the dress/shirt and awfultatts, and his lunkhead half-wit, Lenny.

All they want to do is “live off the hotts o’ the clubland.”

Yeah, it’s a pretty half-assed literary reference for early on a Tuesday. But what are ya gonna do. Your humble narrator’s in a grouchy-ass mood. Hollywood is filled with the stupid.

Lunchy Says “Groooo!!!!” To the Gorgeous Ladies of Middle Management

Trojan Pec for the societal loss.

Marty Moocow and Frisky Marissa Voted in the HCwDB of the Month

Still smarting after losing the HCwDB of the Week, and by smarting I mean stupiding, Marty Moocow and Frisky Marissa decided to be good sports, and by good sports I mean garish blights on a collapsing culture, and stop by to vote in the HCwDB of the Month.

And if you think that’s a run-on sentence, try reading McSweeneys sometime.

Or better yet, don’t.

However I’m pleased to see a tattoo of noted mathematician and influential computer theorist Alan Turing on Marty Moocow’s forearm. Respek.

HCwDB of the Month

The 2011 Douchies are only a few Months away. You know what to do. Bring it.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: The Lancelot Boyz and Hott PTA Mom Vanessa

With a late-week run of pics, including Lancelot Boy Melvin and Stephanie, a Classic ‘Bag Sandwich on Laurie, and once again Bothering Vanessa and her Bestie in a Room Full of Bros, The Lancelot Boyz bring crypto-gay Bassian wankery to the game.

Hott PTA mom Stephanie has one of the confusing old/young Portrait of Dorian Grey things going, which only makes her hotter.

Is she 20? The body says yes.

Is she 35 and drives a minivan to soccer practice on Saturdays? The face says maybe.

Together, a swirling vortex of hottness.

In presence of Lancelot Boyzery, a solid alchemic wrongness and a strong favorite for the Monthly.

But we’re just gettin’ started.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: HCwDB of the Week: Tommy Pak, Giggle Ladies with Daddy Issues, and the Hand of the Collective Unconscious

Giggle Ladies With Daddy Issues, especially of the barely legal kind, are the kind most in need of saving.

Here we see Maria and Consuela, sisters still pissed off at dad for the move to the States.

So they get back at him.

By allowing butt fondle from a heaping douchenugget like Tommy Pak.

And lets not forget Guggenheim Art worthy “Hand of the Collective Unconscious,” rendering the entire pic a modernist synthesis between Pop Art and Outsider Art in the Brechtian mode.

But enough to win the Monthly?

Two more to go:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: DJ Froholio and Hangin’ On Kaylie

Froholio and Kaylie won in a week weak. Or weak week.

I knew that loose was too noose.

The kids today wouldn’t even get that reference.

But I digress.

Froholio has the stupid head. Is Paid-to-Pose DJ asshollickery.

And Kaylie is tasty, even as she holds on to 16 as long as she can.

Changes come around real soon… okay fine, so maybe my references are dated. Whaddaya want? All the young kids with the pumped up kicks?

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Herpster and Librarian Laura

Herpster.

Librarian Laura butt.

Together, they synthesize coagulated poo.

Herspter’s vacant stare and tuxedo crotch innovated an entire new sub-species of douche mock. The fact the wrongness of his presence is counterpointed by the normalcy of Good Guy Ron, getting lucky with Dancer Marie, even more strongly sets the anal pucker of Herpsterism as noteworthy and distinct.

It burns. And is our final coupling up for the contest.

One of these four couplings is most toxic, and deserves to be called “HCwDB of the Month.”

But which?

I need your vote.

Tell me, in the comments thread, which pic most keeps the hot side hott and the douchey side douchey.

Vote now.

Next Generation Douchebaggery Begins

This is a new “boy band” project from Lance Bass, one of the “boy band” crud who launched the first wave of toxic douchedancery over a decade ago.

It’s starting again.

Do not think we’ve eradicated the Grieco Virus. For it only lies in wait to mutate and spring forth once again.

Comment of the Week: Laura

Laura brings some much needed female perspective on how to react to a horribly depressing HCwDB combination in the Ever Get The Feeling the Universe has Indigestion? thread, and wins the coveted Comment of The Week with this simple sentence:

——

This picture makes me want to weepsterbate for humanity.

——

I may found a non-profit called “Weepsterbate for Humanity.”

Friday Thoughts and Links

A gorgeous Los Angeles Friday as your humble narrator finishes drooling at Red Bikini Hott, rotely mocks Douchebag Ed Grimley, and them reposes with a tasty Mr. Pibb.

As I ruminate and marinate, I consider the genius that came up with Kettle Corn.

How to improve upon a snack food product without sugar? Add sugar. Of course.

I will soon be marketing “Kettle Celery.” I’m also considering “Kettle Raisins” and “Kettle Nuts,” or as some call them, “Sugar balls.”

Yup.

I’m babbling like Brooke Burke in a burka in a brook.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Japanese Horror DVD Pick of the Week: “This wire can cut flesh and bones easily!”

A newspaper in England, The Daily Mail, picks up on the art of transnational douche mocking.

Toby Keith sings an ode to Ubiquitous Red Cup. HCwDB. It’s like getting the pulse of the zeitgeist three years early.

Speaking of DVDs, best comedy show on TV right now: “This is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, and my dad hung himself in front of me, while masturbating.”

F@#k the Yankees! “It’s like going to a casino and cheering for the house” for the win.

Just in time for Halloween: Scared Bros at a Haunted House

Creepy, rich Europeans with too much time on their hands occasionally produce some pretty kick-ass things.

Somewhere. Out there. Fat baby.

Act like a douche in school? Here’s what’ll happen.

Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker enjoy an intimate moment.

The 1970s actually existed in a garish and heinous parallel universe that we still can’t comprehend.

Okay, so since you’ve been good this week, you’ve earned it:

Hi-Res Delicious Pear

Go ahead. Take a chomp. It’s Friday.

Doe Eyed Kelly and Old Moog Go for a Drive

Old Moog says “Groooooo.”

But only because he read it somewhere.

Friday Haiku

The blouse parted wide,
To display gorgeous bronzed breasts;
Hers aren’t bad either…

Kettlehead returns
With Waxy McBrow’s Rachelle
Time to kill myself.

— Mr. Scrotato Head

El Rico Suavé,
Blouse-busting hero for the
juiced up pendehoes.

— The Dude

Now there’s quite a shelf!
Their protrusion defies all.
I mean physics laws.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Youngest of the clan,
Kunty Kardashian is
Video ready.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

“Why are you grabbing
me,” says Kate. “And since when do
Valets wear D-necks?”

— Sergeant Scrote Stain

Nuke LaDouche

A steaming pile of Euro regurgitation of post apocalyptic crudscrape is no way to go through life, son.

Trinya, the intimidating Russian dominatrix, would paddle me hardly, abruptly, and with no mercy for my plaintive wails.

For I have been bad.

And so I clean her leather boots with my pee.