Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Sandy Continues to Choose Poorly

Speaking of Hott Sandy, seen previously with classic HCwDB uberlegend, The Crustacean, here she is posing with her bestie, Kelly, and Standard Douchpuck, Johnny Dumguy.

Making the exact same head tilt for the pic.

Note to ladies: I know you’ve worked on the perfect camera angle for months in the bathroom mirror, but when all your Facebook pics look exactly the same, your hottness is mitigated by a crepy Xeroxian mimetic echo of reproductive unoriginality. Thus, your essence is lost. And Walter Benjamin is not amused.

The Crustacean is Not Amused by Herpster Antics

HCwDB legend, Hall of Scrote enshrinee, and all around classic douche, The Crustacean, is not amused by The Herpster’s ironic tuxedo crotch, nor by Librarian Laura’s herpster glasses.

For only true HCwDB legends can pull hottness like Sandy, year after year, while wearing stupid-ass pink t-shirt and wristdanna.

Longevity. Does the Herpster got it?

And by longevity, I mean trust fund.

HCwDB of the Week: The Herpster and Librarian Laura

In an absolutely tough week to pick our winning (losing) coupling of hottie/douchey shoescrape, in the end, I had to go with the innovative and historically significant greasepumpery with luscious gigglehottery rubbing up on his stupidness.

For the Herpster has Tuxedo Crotch. Factor in stupid garish disgrace of a chest tatt and ironic bearded gaze, and the power of the mock is overwhelming in its needed response.

Librarian Laura may have a touch of the Herpster ironobaggery herself. But that booty be slammin’, as the kids say. And for that, we have a winner (loser).

Last week was so chock full of choice hott/douche, the winner could’ve easily gone to Bad Tatts Maru and New Wave Naomi or the early favorite, the Moocow Brothers and Amanda and Tonya, followed by Marty Moocow teaching Amanda to Flex

Damn, last week had a lot of inchoate douchepeak.

There was also The Artful Doucher and the Pillowfight Triplets, or the tasty if inflated bleeth gnaw of Woo Girl Kim.

Heck, Scrotudinous could’ve won last week’s contest, and this HCwDB slag is a mere fourth or fifth.

Tough week to pick a winner.

But for inspiring a whole new subcategory of douchal innovation, the Herpster and Laura make it the monthly. While Good Guy Ron, on the left, gets a nottadouche and a way to go for snagging Modern Dancer Marie.

Chalk ’em for next week’s Monthly. And your humble narrator for Corn Pops.

Comment of the Week: Troy Tempest

No Sunday clip this week. Instead, since I didn’t post yesterday, instead atoning for lusting after so many suckle thighs, we’ll do our Comment of the Week today.

And the award goes to HCwDB’s own legendary talking puppet Troy Tempest, who wins the coveted HCwDB of the Week with this explanation of the rising Herpster phenomenon via some classic Ron Howardism:

——–
This is actually Nashian math in practice. It’s like this: You have, say, 5 women. 4 are average to attractive in appearance brunettes. 1 is a stunning magma hot blonde. 5 guys go to the bar where these 5 women are. If all 5 men chase the blonde, only 1 comes away in victory, and the others get to meet the less than happy brunettes who know they’re second tier.

Herpster is the kind of oaf who “goes for the blonde”. He doesn’t always succeed, but when he gets tail, it is high quality kink. However, his hook ups are short term and empty. Wingman here will be pounding the well racked brunette for quite a while and will gain from the experience. This is how secondary / B-list status members use A-List status members in their own pursuit of tail.
————-

I would’ve used the Gung Ho analogy, otherwise known as the “Long Duck Dong” rule, but otherwise excellent work.

Friday Thoughts and Links

As your humble narrator reflects on his past year of sins, and prepares to spend a day without HoHos nor Night Train, I consider where HCwDB will go in the new year.

Whither HCwDB? My love for this site and its readers, and my deep pleasure in mocking thousands of arrogant and narcissistic choadwanks and lusting after their ill deserved hottquisitions, continues.

But whereto and wherefore?

After the 2011 Douchie Awards, I may turn this site into a more generalized and random reflection of my thoughts on life, pop culture, post-structuralism and other assorted things. Or maybe we finally let some readers join the mainpage as regular contributors.

Lots to figure out. But the site will most certainly continue. That I promise.

But for now, I atone. My many sins include far too frequent starings at the firmness of May’s perfect suckle thigh, Sweaty Sally.

But is that really a sin? If G-d hadn’t wanted me to look, he wouldn’t have produced such spectatular suckle gnaw.

Here’s your Links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “You can’t compete? Are you kidding? You’re Chris Brander. You’re Hollywood, you date models! He’s Jersey, he skis in his jeans. It’s Dinkleman. It’s Dusty Dinkleman!”

Nearly forgotten 2010 HCwDB of the Year winning douchebag Stackhouse starts up his own business venture. Hmm. Where’s my left-handed Jew lawyer when I need him.

Why Stackhouse likes to eat at McDonalds.

For my New England readers, a moment of silence for the late, great Friendly’s Restaurant. My Dad took me there for ice-cream after every screening of “The Empire Strikes Back” I dragged him to (approximately nine).

Kill it with fire!!

I’m currently obsessed with weird Japanese children’s commercials with facist undertones.

While I’d almost forgotten about her, apparently Lindsey Something or Other has been out whoring it up with the lost Wilson brother, Douchus Wilson.

Some pseudo-intellectuals on a blog try to deconstruct the post-structuralist signifiers of HCwDB’s critique of pure reason. Fail to reference boobies.

The great Bill Hicks in a clip from The Dennis Miller show. I can’t tell which is more tragic, that Bill Hicks died or that Dennis Miller lived.

When monkeys save puppies, there is always hope.

But you are not here for monkeys saving puppies. Well, actually, you probably are. But here’s some Pear:

Red Football Pear

And that’s about as good a lineup of links as it gets around here. Hike!

Breaking: Deadmouse Show Features no Douchebags in Attendance

Or so claims Reader Mike:

——-
I’m pleased, but disappointed, to report on a shocking lack of douchebaggery at last night’s Deadmau5 show at Roseland Ballroom.

I don’t know if it’s because Deadmau5 is relatively unknown, but the fact that he broke a record by selling out six consecutive shows at Roseland says that won’t last much longer.
——-

I’m not sure “innovative use of glowsticks, aggressively early Halloween costumes, and homemade Mau5 hats” counts as un-douchey there, Mike. Might need to check again.

And no, I will never write “5” for “S,” just as I refer to the movies “Seven,” Fast Five” and “Scream 4” by their proper names.

That being said, I’m willing to consider Deadmouse’s electronica as possibly arguing for a post-douchebag techno alterity. But I’ll need far more evidence to go on.

Friday Haiku

“Put a ring on it”
The girls told them; what they got
Were Jeff’s ringworm sores.

Twister after an
Olean chip and Kool-Aid binge?
Bad idea, Girlfriends…

— DarkSock

Team Twister’s up next
But had to change their name from
Team Sister Fister

— saulgoode42

“Dude, it will be sweet!”
“Twister? I barely know her.”
“You misunderstand . . .”

— Douche Wayne

Rather than draped
in plastic, these guys should be
sealed tight in plastic

— idfma

Twister spots? No, kids.
I hate to break it to you
They’re giant herpes.

— Medusa Oblongata

Blonde can do better
I know a game we can play
Her chute, my ladder.

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Bandana guy looks
Stunned. That isn’t nail polish!
Hey you! Smell my finger.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

choose a coloured spot
make a provocative pick
push fist up brown spot

— creature

A Purple Nurple
Better known as Tit Twister
Would be best result

— Vin Douchal

Bleeths and douchebags preen
Twister twisted forever
Milton Bradley weeps.

— soy bomb

Twister™ gave me my first
erection; these twits ruined
a nice memory.

— The Dude

A porch beef sandwich
Made with fresh douchebag herp bread
Kills the appetite

— Doucheywallnuts

Mack and Stephano
Enter 2 Man Bronado;
STD D’jour

— Mandouchian Candidate

The Herpsters Spread

I’m telling you. It’s a new breed.

One that needs monitoring. And by monitoring, I mean the art of the collective mock.

Oh Sophomore Year Pre-Med Major Kimberly. How I make sickly moaning and pooching noises under your dorm room bed when you’re helping the sisters of Kappa Kappa Thigh hold a bake sale out by the quad. While you sell red velvet cupcakes for two dollars each, I sniff your dresser like a homeless koala on paint thinner.

The Artful Doucher

The purity of premium boobie hottie suckle thigh offered by the Pillowfight Triplets is powerful enough to corrode and corrupt rust belts and arteries.

That is all.

Oh, and The Artful Doucher needs this t-shirt, truth-in-advertising style.

Too Much Hairspray

Bathroom full of lady stuff??