Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Ubiquitous Red Cup Has No Comment On This

Ubiquitous Red Cup.

Still Out There.

Still Observing Skeezy Butt Chomp.

Country music something or other, Toby Keith, may be taking song inspiration from years of HCwDB Red Cup worship, but URC is mine first, dammit, and I’m keeping it.

Headwound Harry

Giant mandanas.

Still out there.

Still scrotey.

Still bothering hot chicks who think it’s sexy to chomp Tootsie Roll pops.

Mmmm.. Brunette Carolina… how your bony suckle shoulders invert gremlin harmonics.

In a related story, “Invert Gremlin Harmonics” will be the name of my future synth indie techno band, that will only play gigs in Echo Park, and never advertise.

HCwDB of the Week: Band Promoter Petey and Barely Legal Bonnie

Beating out the hottness of Tiny Dancer Maria was no easy task, but Fratpud Juan just wasn’t douchey enough.

Band Promoter Petey, on the other hand, is a cavalanche (cavalcade + avalanche) of douchuous signifiers and toxic mockworthines.

And let’s not forget to give Barely Legal Bonnie her due.

She is melting cotton candy summer popsicle on a penguin slap hott.

Last week had Mike and Mandy from high school, Marty Trainwreck (with heinous tattoo chin fung innovation) and the tasty Persian Giggle Kelly with Zebra Tony.

That’s a lotta doucheballs.

And lets not forget the site’s new mascot: Douchepug.

But the decision’s been made by my drunk ass as we prepare for the last Monthly before the 2011 Douchies kick off.

And this be #3 of #4.

Now… microwavable oatmeal.

Techno Viking is Still Out There

Still protecting the honor of women.

Still receiving bottles of water that are held upside down.

The Judges Get Ready for the 2011 Douchie Awards

The following regs will be handing out awards at our all-star gala 2011 Douchie Awards ceremony, beginning December 5th:

Douchiest Douche-Face — Douchey Wallnuts
Most Annoying Rockerbag — CB Popped
Comment of the Year — Wheezer
Quartasians and Trannys — Douchble Helix
Douchiest Hand Gesture — tall guy
The John Largeman — Et Tu Douche?
Douchiest ‘Bag Who May Be a Lesbian In Drag — Wedgie
Most Trashcan to the Head Worthy — Medusa Oblongata
Douchiest Creature From Ancient Greek Myth — Jacques Doucheteau
The Douchebaguette — Mr. Scrotato Head
Most Euro Eurobags — Reverend Chad Kroeger
Smells Like Poo — Creature
‘Celebrity’ HCwDB Couple of the Year — Vin Douchal
Most Annoying ‘Bagling — Nancy Dreusche
The Ricky — Mr. White
Hottest Librarian Hott — The Dude
Greatest Crisis of Modernity — Hermit
Douchiest ‘Athlete’ — Bob McAdouche
Hottest Girl Next Door Hott — Douche Equis
Clearest Proof of Natural Selection — DarkSock
Most Expensive First Date Hott — Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche
The Yellowtail (Oldbag) — Mandouchian Candidate
Douchiest ‘Bag Trend — Mr. Scrotato Head
Greasiest Grease Stain — MusicFanatic
Douchiest Hair — dbBen
Douchiest Facial Fung — Douche Springsteen

Be sure to email me your winner(loser), as well as 3-4 runners up, along with your 2-3 paragraph writeup by DEcember 1st, so your lazy-ass narrator can put it all togethers.

Lets do this thing.

Friday Thoughts and Links

There is much about vaginal peace signs by Boris Russinsky hitting on Russian Poverty Model Hott that rankles the heart of a poet.

I’m not that poet. His name is Tim. He lives down the street and smells like patchouli and rice cakes.

I have little to offer in the ways of wisdom on this Friday in Los Angeles, other than the advice of the great Olympian Carl Lewis:

“I like hurdles.”

Here’s your links

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Why am I talking to you? You’re not a man, you’re a cat! Go back to your feline world!”

Yoga for Bros? “Broga?” In my hometown of Boston? For shame, Beantown. For shame.

Turkish Hottness. Like strong coffee and emancipated Islam.

Hipsters Vs. Hammer Pants.

What movie am I most excited to see this Holiday Season? Sandsharks. “Because your party isn’t on the sand. It’s on ice.” (no idea what that means)

Somewhere in Raveland America,… the kids aren’t all right.

Mila Kunis’s Semitic Russian hottness proves the folly of the nativist reactionary anti-Trotsky pogroms of the early 20th Century.

Can boobs ever be too large? Uhm… okay, yes.

But you are not here for grotesque mammaries. You are here for Pear:

Pensive Bridge Pear

Because coy pouting is also a form of pre-coitus.

And on that lameass pun, I crack a bottle of Mad Dog and scratch myself obliquely.

Where’s Waldouche?: Boobs Edition

Somewher in this pic of a perfectly taut body hottness of perhaps questionable Jerzeyface, I’ve carefully hidden bro-time.

Look closely.

Can you find them saying “Brah!” and bitching about Mark Sanchez?

Friday Haiku

Kate fights the Power;
But Bruce and Jeff just want to
Occupy Ball-Meat.

Spelling “blood” with hands
Is from Compton, Sir Lilly-White
Not Danville, you douche

— saulgoode42

Nancy Dreuche poses
With brothers Emo and
Emo. Uterus sags.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Tommy pays the price
For fingering the goth skank.
Yeast infected hands.

— hermit

Twi-tards get in line
early for latest Twilight
trash. All on Team Douche.

— Dr. Bunsen HoneyDouche

You have Beiber hair,
and flash gang signs, but the
A/V club is lame

— Ferris

Nepos nepos nep
Nepos nepos nepos *nep*
Nepos nepos nep

— Nancy Dreuche

We’re misunderstood!
‘Cuz we’re deep, and dark, and hurt
Black is the new blah.

— Mr. Scrotato Head

Pixies cover band.
Backstage yields sanctuary.
Thrown beer bottles hurt.

— Baron Von Goolo

“Dad! Christmas portraits
are cheesy!”, whines the spawn of
Baron Von Goolo

“Candy Stripe Nurses at Douche Beach”

In a just and virtuous world, the title of this post would actually be a real movie, produced by Roger Corman and directed by Ron Howard, from 1977.

Alas, I’ll have to satisfy my desire with the trailer for Eat My Dust.

Sweet Buffet o’ Mine

Because “Appetite for Destruction” was too obvious.