Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Always Use Extra Virgin Olive Oil

Because a mind is a terrible thing to waste on shaving products.

Comment of the Week: Dude McCrudeshoes

From yesterday’s Tony Tentatively Makes the Rocker Horns for Melodie thread:

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Somewhere in Tony’s past is a whitewashed baby crib with layer upon layer of toxic lead paint. Today, due to deterioration in fine motor skill, Tony can barely make the rocker horns. It’s a heartbreaking condition. That’s why I ask you to give generously to the MPRA: the McCrude Prosthetic Rocker Horn Association. Your generous gift of $1000 dollars or more, or your generous donation of the sexual services of a barely legal quartasian, can help provide Tony with a lifelike hand that, through the use of space age titanium joints and lifelike silicone skin covering, can make Rocker Horns, the Shocker, and even the Spocker a reality for Douchebags like Tony.

McCrude Prosthetic Rocker Horn Hands are available in white, orange, and even darker orange.

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Friday Thoughts and Links

Oh mutant hand gestures for nearby cameras while Running with the Goose and when stalking party Woo girls like Kathy.

How you task me with annoyance and swelter.

How you itch my rectaculum with spectacular spectral speculum.

And, on an unrelated note, it makes me sad that the Beastie Boys are so old. “License to Ill” now refers to constipation.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB DVD Pick of the Week: “Alright, look pal, I gotta tell you… this is a crazy business, but it’s not unlike any other business. There are ground rules, and you don’t just walk on to a network show without experience. Now I know it’s an old, hackneyed expression, but it happens to be the truth. You’ve got to start at the bottom.”

You know the economy’s recovering when douchebags are getting into fights over models at tables in nightclubs.

On a related note, and well worth watching:

The great Steven Colbert bringing extensive ‘bag mocking about that story on his show. (starts 1:45 in) “Our douchebag beat up their douchebag” for the win. My cultural influence is complete.

Love the Colbert. My cousin was Colbert’s personal assistant for years and I gave him a signed copy of my book in 2008.

Bored this weekend? Here’s a great photoblog of candid New York city snapshots from the 1950s.

Or how’s about Mardi Gras 1938?

America: Land of Shirtless Tools With Too Much Time on their Hands.

DListed Asks: Would you hit the Grieco? If by hit you mean hit, perhaps.

The coolest three year old girl in history.

Just as Owen Wilson dreams of the 1920s Parisian Left Bank in “Midnight in Paris,” I dream of early 1980s downtown New York.

But you are not here for DB1 creative fantasies of unreality. You are here for pear:

Holy Tanned Pear Drop

Enjoy. Chomp. Salivate. Masticate.

The weekend is upon.

Tony Tentatively Makes the Rocker Horns for Melodie

Hitler Chin Fung and Sleeve Tatts are now so ubiquitous as to be unremarkable.

That is not acceptable.

So I will remark upon them.

They suck.

Melodie is all that is real world giggle-next-door party cohabit in the Realms of the Unreal cleavite inspiration. And so I thank her. And quietly ask for the check.

Friday Haiku

The gals were all so

Excited by Vinnie’s crabs…

Until they caught them.

BP CEO

Poses on Gulf vacation

“This tastes so oily . . .”

— Douche Wayne

I can’t hate this guy

he’s old and just wants seafood

with a side of hott

wait, I changed my mind

did not see his six pound watch

tonight, dine IN HELL

— Douche Springsteen

Saggy balls and crabs

Fat wallet, Jersey accent

Golddigging Bleeths win

— Capt. James T. Douche

Short sold Enron stock

Living the dream in Tampa

Still fat, bald, ugly

— Vin Douchal

Macy Gray Can’t sing

Since the gyroscope was put

In her monkey hole.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Ugly with money,

Fresh young Vagina they have,

Match made in Heaven.

— ASvB, aka Yoda

Fungwadius

Jordy Verrill thought he looked good for awhile, too.

Yeah, I’m hopelessly and relentlessly stuck in a pop-culture feedback loop from my early childhood that basically covers 1983-1987. Fruit Roll-Ups still pwn all next-generation dried snack fruits. That’s my fogeyism and I’m sticking to it.

Cheeto Man Lives!

And by lives, I mean stalking wayward Eurohotties like a mutant sentient carrot.

Old Man Phineus Cackles Like a Hyena

Lots of wrong going on in this picture.

Daddy issues do not go well with breakfast.

Caption This Pic

When the gang at 31 Flavors discovered a life size Herspter Ken doll, much greco-roman formula was expunged.

Yeah, I got nuthin’. Can you do better? Take your best shot in the comments thread.

Esoteric Wednesday

He Da Bes.