Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Comment of the Week: Medusa Oblongata

Resident gorgon M.O. takes down the rich asswipe that is Z and wins the coveted HCwDB of the Week:

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Possibly the greatest pleasure I could have all day would be to walk past him, and with a deft and angry flick of my wrist, flip that drink up in the air and splatter him in cranberry puss cocktail. And as he stood there, gasping, his white outfit now sloppily tie-dyed red, I’d look back, lock eyes with him and growl, “That’s for being a twat.”

Twatterflies

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Friday Thoughts and Links

Douchebags.

Still out there.

Still making stupid faces at cameras while ignoring hott pear and standing in Vegas pools, while awaiting a court date for failing to pay child support to that bitch who like totally lied and it wasn’t his fault, and he was drunk anyway, so what are you lookin’ at?

Or something like that.

Here’s your links:

Your HCwDB Comic Book Pick of the Week: “Man it stanks!… Lets run over Lionel Richie with a tank!”…

Twinkies workers threaten strike. The DB1’s world is about to collapse upon itself.

Tazerbags.

Do not click on this link: Beach Bleeth Bleach Blech. Told you not to click on that link.

Untreatable gonorrhea is on the way. Or, as I like to call it, Scottsdale.

Maybe it’s a little goofy, but I firmly support the mission statement of the Guerrilla Hugs Project. It may seem silly, but the world really would be a better place if people got hugged a bit more. Provided all hugs come from hotties in the 18-24 demo.

Speaking of Van Halen, the teacher from Van Halen’s early 1980s video “Hot For Teacher” is still uber-hott at 60. Yes, she’s 60. Got it made, got it made, got it made.

It’s true. We’re through the looking glass. Douchebag parking lot frolic has passed through absurdity and reached the sublime.

Here’s your pear:

Bud Butt Can Pear

Commence “Schlitz” jokes… now.

Reader Mail: Hardycar

Wedgie writes in:

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DB1:

Wedgie

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It’s like a castrated gonorrheal elephant nad. Shaped like a car.

Good work, Wedgie. The battle continues.

Friday Haiku

Sheen head and Christ crotch,

God punishes all.

Oh Christ on a crotch

Victoria’s secret is

Wayne Rooney troll doll

— ehcuodouche

Her head points to West

Since the gyroscope was put

In his monkey head.

— The Reverend Chad Kroeger

Jill lost her eyebrows

Not to worry; Bob shaved his

And loaned them to her

— saulgoode42

She’s just waiting for

showing of “Brokeback Mountain”

on douche’s forehead.

— Dr. Bunsen Honeydouche

Geometric styles

Fractal swirls and squares in black

That’s lost on these two.

— Franklyn DealorNo Doucheifelt

Druish Vespa Hott

Her boobies have gone to plaid

Lord Helmet giggles.

— douche wayne

scribble shirt douche poo

bald head stuck in tanning bed

Sophie’s globes shine through

— SonnyChibaChoad

Norway By Norwestway

Yeah I’m down to Hitchcock references. Because my supply of Trader Joes Joe-Joes is of woefully low row.

Jan Largemaan is both bemused and unamused at the same time.

Pink pants for the Scandanavian tragedy.

What’s Olav up to, you ask? Don’t ask.

Viking Yogurt Rodeo

Now that’s just a Teutonic atrocity. Or a “Tuetrocity,” as the hip hop kids like to say.

Olav Says "Gjøvik!"

Norway Thursday continues with Olav the Crispy Oldbag bothering the ubergnawlicious Girl Who’s Name I Can’t Pronounce But Don’t Care Because Boobs Are Universal.

GWNICPBDCBBAU says “Ja!”

Norway Thursday

Thanks to an intrepid reader from Norway, today’s HCwDB pics will feature nothing but hottie/douchey pics Nordic style.

Aryan cohabit.

Teutonic touching.

Where’s Norway? Take a right at Greenland or something. Who the hell knows.

Alls I know is the Grieco Virus has traveled far and wide, permeating the far reaches of rural europa.

Have pity on the eurohotts. For they know not why they Wü.

Honorary Douchebag of the Month: Andrew Breitbart

Most of you have never heard of this shreiking rhesus monkey, nor the intellectual poo he attempts to fling on a daily basis.

And while I try to keep this site apolitical (‘bag hunters of all persuasions are welcome to join the collective douche mocking and hottie oggling), I realized that to call this narcissistic prancing self-hating windup toy of neurotic dysfunction and deep Freudian issues “political,” would be like calling a Kardashian a “thespian.”

This meandering buffoon screams for a living on the teevee, having finally found a profitable way to channel his daddy hatred. Substitute “government” for “Father who didn’t love me enough” and you’ll diagnostic the problem with nary a need to take an intro psych course.

His is the inchoate rage of self-hatred turned outward. A core pathology that informs so much of douchebag culture. Merely substitute fauxhawks and bling for political babble, and sex drive for vicarious power sycophantage, and you’ll have this retched disgrace of yak spittle in a nutshell.

So for yipping like a castrated mule on any media outlet he can find, for his clear chronic masturbation problem and rage at the people who wouldn’t date him in high school, and for clogging the collective media arteries with verbal drivel, I hearby bequeath the moron known as “Breitbart” an honorary “Douchebag of the Month.”

If internet clown Matt Drudge hadn’t taken pity on this solipsistic loser back in the mid 00s, a Carl’s Jr. in Westwood would never have been deprived of its night manager.

Esoteric Wednesday

This video is to Wheezer’s “Buddy Holly” as “Dazed & Confused”

was to “American Graffiti.” Discuss.