Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Reader Mail: Phil is Inappropriate

Kellen writes up with a disturbing tale of Fratbaggery:

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DB1,

– Kellen

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Uhm, I’m not sure where Phil comes from, but last I read, walking up to women and slapping them in inappropriate places is not a game called “Aliens.” It is a game called “Drink-in-Face and Lawsuit.”

Tony Cappaccino Has Breath Mints and Arthritis Medication

His joint is swole.

The Lion, The Witch and the Fungface

C.S. Lewis’s early drafts were far darker in tone.

Antonio Prays for Peace

And by peace, Antonio means group oil wrestling.

Timmy's Sparkly Bowtie Has Supernatural Powers

I suppose I could link to the Animal House “thank you God!” clip, but lets try something else.

Manuel Acts Indifferent in Presence of Cleavite Arch

Stone-face all you want, Manny. We know where your gaze has drifted behind those sunglasses.

The Unholy Pear Fondle

Moving on, as bcs would want us to…

I’ve been going light on you with HCwDB pairings the past week or so. Felt it was time to smack you awake on this Wednesday with heinosity of unholy pear fondle.

Vegas Vincent is all that is douchebag essence. Essence du douchebag. Or, as the kids, say, a heaping pile of yak vomit.

I would gang tackle a busload of Armenian Lexus dealers dippied in Drakkar Noir, fighting through that sweaty flesh pile of immigration and desperation just for the chance to masticate on Suzy Pear’s bikini sweat in filtered tea formula.

And then I would lick-suckle Suzy Pear’s discarded summer lounge chair like arthritic crack aardvark until the security guard at Best Buy asked me to leave or he’d call the cops.

R.I.P. BCS

It’s just been brought to my attention that a long time ‘bag hunter in the comments threads, one of the original mocking crew to emerge in 2007-2008, apparently passed away at the age of 28 about a year ago. He posted comments as “bcs” from 2007-2010. His last post was, appropriately enough, on the October 24th, 2010 post, The Gator Transcends.

This is terrible news, and I apologize for interrupting regular ‘bag mocking to bring it. But it is important that we honor BCS’s last words, for they are HCwDB ‘bag mocking genius poetry:

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someone slather this crustacean with garlic butter and let plinky’s mom have at it

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bcs was one of us.

Here’s bcs’s Facebook page, and a website he used to run, now run in his honor. Contrary to popular belief, his pseudonym was not a reference to the college football association, but was just his initials. I don’t know what bcs died of, and frankly it doesn’t matter.

I guess if you run a site long enough, these sorts of things are bound to happen. HCwDB has permanently sponsored bcs’s Legacy.com site to honor his memory, so feel free to leave any tributes, but keep it tasteful (even if bcs wouldn’t have wanted you to).

I’ll pour out some Night Train from my U.R.C. tonight in your honor, bcs. May you be playfully mocking Pumpy in the sky tonight, and hitting on his girlfriend when he’s busy pumping clouds. Wait, that didn’t sound right. And yet I know bcs would’ve approved of one final Pumpy reference. R.I.P. bcs. You will be missed.

Pabst Blue Ribbon and the Herpster Complex

There was a time, not too long ago, when I enjoyed a tasty P.B.R. as much as the next red-blooded American male.

Was it good beer? Hells no.

But, as Dennis Hopper and David Lynch reminded us, it was pure of soul.

And let us not forget Leon’s clue in the great Midnight Madness. (Ah, the 1980s. When 40 year old actors played college kids.)

So what to do now that Herpster irony has appropriated the P.B.R.?

I remain agnostic on P.B.R.

I cannot condemn it simply for vicarious herpster taint. But nor can I celebrate it as I once did for its vacuous taste of rural Americana.

Mongo Stares at You

Do not stare back.

No, not even if Bright Eyes Simone giggle mellifluously in your direction.

For you do not want to experience Mongo’s infamous “Crisco Fondle.”

Legend has it you will not cough right for a week.