Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Pop Quiz

Somewhere in this pic of random and inchoate Vegasian happenstance, I’ve carefully hidden a burdensome and garish six pound wrist watch.

Look closely.

Can you boobs?

M. Night Shamaload

Chin Pubes and necktatts are no way to hit on the burgeoning and pre-largeman Daniella Sisters, M. Night.

Just for that, I’mma take away your (fill in the blank in the comments threads).

I see your crazed Mayan Eye of Coitus Daniella #1. You hang on the precipice of de-eroticized transition, but refuse with hearty steadfastedness to go gentle into that good night.

Bandholes

Still out there.

Still unsure how to play a 7th chord.

Douche Richards

Not the most creative name to mock this unholy asstastic rocker spawn of douchewankery, but when I’ve spent the day chasing pouty librarian hotts through Central Park, you’ll understand if my post West Village Bistro Burger haze is less than fully coherent.

EDIT: I used a stock pic, but reader MC900FootDouchebag submits an actual pic he took of his Bistro Burger last week. Far more authentic. And tasty.

Pop Quiz

Somewhere in this pic, I’ve boobsily the boobsies hidden boobs.

A. Boobs

B. Boobs

C. Boobs

D. Hey, that guy’s arm looks like alien fungus disease that attacked Kirk on the original Star Trek.

E. Boobs

Shmuckholio Parties in Brooklyn

Leticia and Claudia, the giggle Latinas from Brooklyn College, are way too amused when Shmuckholio reveals his patented “Wanna touch my spikes?” pickup line.

Brooklyn herpsters.

When not joining up to fight for Kony 2012, they would like you to sample their homebrews.

Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Pukecoat

Kim Chee’s asian supple milkshake taut boobal spackle in presence of Joseph is classic Vegasian Tuesday. Together they form a hypoallergenic short bus of stubbled wrongness in a Porsche driving into light pole, Commando style.

Yup.

No idea what I’m saying anymore.

Your humble narrator is in New York City. The city of dreams. Of inspired Woody Allen and Spike Lee movies, and craptasticly craven Jay-Z anthems.

Much pizza will be consumed. Oh yes. And bagels. Cuz that’s how Jews roll. And by roll, I mean bulky.

The Lickwipe

I was gonna rag on the Lickwipe’s unholy presence near Sexy Poochtickle Trina, but then I realized we have celebrity guest mocker Mike Tyson willing to step in and do the job.

Mike, what would you like to say to the Lickwipe?

Mike Tyson: I’d just like to thay that the Lickwipe is tho thtupid! If I were still fighting, I would totally pop him in the mouth.

Yes. His head is very shiny.

Mike Tyson: Tho Thiny! It makes me weep for the lost childhood I reacted to with mindless aggression as a wayward man child.

You did have a tough childhood, Mike.

Mike Tyson: My pigeons were my Rosebud. That’s a metaphor you know. You ever see Thitizen Kane?

Of course, great film. Orson Welles is a genius.

Mike Tyson: Who that? Did I ever fight him?

Yes. Yes. Yes you did.

Mike Tyson: I knew it! They thay I ain’t go no memory, whatnot with the punches to the head and all, but I totally showed them! I’m taking night classes for nursing. And I thtudy the philothophy of Heidegger and Kant.

Really? Heidegger and Kant? What’s your take on phenomenology versus psychoanalysis?

Mike Tyson: I just shitting you. I don’t read no philosophy. Come on man, think! I got tigers.

Any other thoughts, Mike?

Mike Tyson: I would show affections for Trina by buying her expenthive jewelry. And then smacking her in the ass with my fist. Women like that.

I’m not sure that’s true, Mike.

Mike Tyson: Maybe you’re right. Hey, wanna watch Leno?

No thanks, Mike. Gotta go.

Anddddd… scene.

Mozo the Asian Zen Philosopher Has a Secret

It involves a vat of Crisco, six dozen chicken carcasses, and a merchant marine black market in Mumbai, back in 2008.

Crazy Eyes Karen probably violates the H.C. side of the equation, but whatevs. I’m enjoying a HoHo, and this site is free, so deal with it.

The Grillza Cuddles with Bethany

Grillz.

Still out there.

Still Reservoir Douchey.