Hot Chicks With Douche Bags

Brandeis Rachel Dates a Masshole

Updates a little slower this week, as your scruffly narrator is traveling on bidness.

Doing bidness.

And by bidness, I mean business.

But I like to talk all hip so the kids’ll think I know what’s up.

Justin Bieber is phat! That’s phat with a “Ph.” Phat. Not fat.

Crap.

Gettin’ older.

But I still see you Sexy Semitic Rachel. Ditch the Masshole in the douchatard, stat. For the Brandeis Salad Years won’t last forever.

The Rusty Trombone

His pick up line: “If you blow into it, it’ll play Dixieland.”

Carolina’s Mayan Eye of Coitus is far too delightful for this scenario.

And so a punch a nearby inquisitive scrub jay in the feathery nads area. And it tweets sadly. On Twitter.

Esoteric Wednesday

In Japan, little children like to penetrate oranges.

Ask DB1: Doctor Strange

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Hey DB1,

JIM

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Nottadouche. Supervillain Leniency Rule.

Guy Who Most Needs a Moldy Cinnebon To The Face Guy

Jenna and Rachel weren’t aware they were standing with Guy Who Most Needs a Moldy Cinnebon To the Face Guy.

Until I hit him in the face with a moldy Cinnebon.

At least that’s how it plays out in the 3D Imax of my mind.

That’s poetic.

That’s pathetic.

Jenna’s poochacetic.

Herpsterbag LaVar

Aneroxic Models Only, please. Herpsterbag LaVar is too busy D.J.ing to bother with the chunky ladies over a six two.

Where's Future Prescription Muscle Relaxant Addict?

Somewhere in this lineup of paid-to-pose party chomps, I’ve carefully hidden a Future Prescription Muscle Relaxant Addict enjoying his six months of social peak thanks to credit fraud.

Look closely.

Can you find him?

One Word Tuesday

Marsupium.

HCwDB of the Month

Your second voting round of 2012. Who will join Grover McPocalypse and Sarah Lawrence Sarah as our next Monthly winning (losing) coupling?

Here’s your finalists:

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #1: Brobot and Curvy Kelly

With a run of brobotic stupidity, including consistent douche-stare and the wrong kind of douche stare, Brobot is a new level of choadal cyborg.

Curvy Kelly is real world tasty, the kind who’d get drunk at a party and consider flirting with you by the retro pinball at the Brooklyn loft Williamsberg port wine party.

Brooklyn. Herpsterland.

But I digress.

Can the Brobotic scroteborg take the prize?

We gots threes more to go.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #2: The Uberbros and Pear Alice

For sheer spectacle, is there more purity of douche than the Uberbros?

And yes, we have seen them in the past on HCwDB.

But your narrator is far too hung over to keep track of these things after 7000 posts.

So lets call ’em the Uberbros. And mock onward until dawn.

Pear Alice is also purity of fruit chomp.

Together, theirs is a toxic Miami stench.

Purity of Pear should never face hair that douchey.

And by face, I mean face.

At 2am. In a Burger King bathroom.

Moving on.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #3: Lord Helmet and Vespa Hott

Head.

Large head.

Douchey head.

Greasey head.

The Monkees’ Head. (RIP Davy).

Lord Helmet is classic doucheface.

Vespa Hott is high class most expensive first date hottness.

And as such, deserves both lust and residual anger.

Which is an intoxicating combo.

HCwDB of the Month Finalist #4: The Scruffwad and Jenny Milkshake

Here’s your classic guy-who-beat-you-up-in-high-school ‘bag, along with the taut and tasty Jenny Milkshake.

For real world HC/DB, this is a doozer.

So there’s your four.

On the H.C. side we got Pears and Milkshakes, Expensive Hotts and Curves.

On the D.B. side, Brobots and Uberbros, Heads and Scruffs.

Which cohabit is enough to earn the right to call itself the “HCwDB of the Month?”

Vote, as always, in the comments thread.

Los Douchebagos

In any language, ‘baggery in pursuit of hot chick is universal.

My Kingdom and a tasty Moon Pie to anyone who makes it past 90 seconds.